Wendy Epstein | Anxiety + Burnout Therapist NYC

When we’re anxious about a relationship, our thinking gets cloudy. These questions are designed to help you slow down and reconnect with what you actually feel.

1. How do I consistently feel after spending time with them? Think about the overall pattern, not just isolated moments. Do you usually feel more grounded and connected, or do you leave feeling anxious, drained, or confused?

2. Do I feel seen, respected, and valued? Pay attention to whether you feel cared for in ways that actually matter to you, not just in the ways that are convenient for them.

3. Are my needs being met in this relationship? This doesn’t mean every need gets met perfectly all the time, but overall you should feel cared for and supported. If you consistently feel like you have to beg for basic needs, that’s important information.

4. Do our goals and vision for the future actually align? Sometimes the relationship itself can feel good, but when you zoom out, you realize you may not actually want the same kind of life.

5. What do I love and value about them? Try to get specific beyond comfort, history, or the role they play in your life. What about them do you deeply appreciate and enjoy?

6. Am I growing in this relationship, or shrinking myself? Healthy relationships should support your growth and allow you to feel more secure in who you are. If you notice yourself becoming smaller, quieter, more anxious, or less like yourself, that can be meaningful information.

7. Are we able to work through issues together? Pay attention to whether hard conversations actually lead to understanding and change, or if the same issues keep resurfacing without anything really shifting.

8. Do I still feel excited to keep choosing this relationship? Relationships take work, but underneath the hard moments, there should still be some desire to keep investing, growing, and showing up.

9. Do I love who they are right now or the potential of who they could become? It’s easy to stay attached to who someone could be if they changed certain behaviors. But you can’t build your life around the hope that they’ll eventually become who you need them to be, especially if their patterns have shown otherwise.