Two months and someone asks me if I’m experiencing a sense of relief. Being a caretaker is all-consuming. Watching the person you love suffer; so excruciating—surely there’s a peacefulness in knowing the ride is over?
No, I tell them. Whatever relief might be lingering within is completely overridden by the glaring blank space you left.
Whatever peace might be there deep down ~somewhere evolved~ has been completely steamrolled by this colossal feeling of loss.
I feel the weight of your absence every breath I take, Mum. I hold my breath to try & stifle it sometimes. But we all have to exhale eventually. The body always wins.
Two months in and people ask me how I’m holding up. I tell them I’ve lost my main character. It’s new a movie & I don’t care for this plot, I didn’t approve this script.
(I don’t always say this. Sometimes I just shrug.)
Two months in and I can’t imagine ever being happy again. The horizon is colorless. I know I’ll find beauty and joy again, I know it’s what she wants. What my brother wants. I know more than ever that life is precious and it feels extra important given the fragility of things that I live out my wildest dreams. I trust I will get to a place where happiness feels accessible again.
I’ve just drifted so far out to sea I can’t make out the spectacular view I know is waiting for me when the fog clears.
Two months in and I’ve started to work again. Not on the book, I’m too raw for the book, but I’m editing other people’s books with heightened clarity & consciousness. I’m working on a new project you’d love, a fashion project. I spoke on a stage and ditched my notes at the last minute; realized I didn’t need them. I’ve been trusting myself more. I’ve been trusting myself the way you always trusted me.
Two months in and it doesn’t get easier, it gets harder. Every passing day marks more time since I last heard your voice in my ear. Two months in and I haven’t been able to look at our videos together, not until today. The ache of not hearing your voice became more brutal than hearing it captured in a time I know I
4 months agoktinparis
Oh Zara I miss your darling, beautiful Mum. Your iconic Lynn, I adore all these videos and I love that you both made these together. Lynn lives on. Oh my heart aches. I love you so much.
4 months agotiffm1013
My heart aches for you, and I completely understand. 😢 Sending healing vibes and love to you, Zara. ❤️
5 months agowendellnyc
Dedicated and devoted as they come; loss is SO harsh and final 🙃as the new narrative emerges; may you find peace in small ways as you navigate; sending ✡️blessings
5 months ago1kfm007
❤️❤️❤️ Your mother gave you the roadmap to life. You are blessed. Just follow what she gifted you.
5 months agostephsheene
Thinking about you Zara, hope you’re ok after mum sending love from Australia xxxx
5 months agomegbluespark
Oh baby girl. It’s all too much some days!! I love you always bad B. Words can’t cover this ❤️😘
5 months agojacquelinecassidy6787
Zara, you’ve suffered a horrendous loss. I first met Lynn when she was 15. Even then, she was the kindest, loveliest, most unassuming person I knew. I hope the pain eases; it will diminish and you will learn to live around it. Your pain is so great because your mother was a truly amazing person.
5 months agoanndexterjonesdesign
zara i am so sorry for your loss. Soon maybe you can have some form of gentle healing and be able to smile at your memories together. I do not assume any of these happenings. That would be presumptuous and intrusive We all suffer in our own way as you are now. My mother died of criminal negligence of her doctor, i was 11yrs old, she was so young left 5 children. Being english and the old stiff upper lip nobody talked to us about her ever again. Later in life i let myself cry I send prayers and can send Reiki to your wonderful mummy whom i adored, knowing how special she was 🙏🏻🧚🫂
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