Jamell Sirleaf

BREAKING: New data from the African Men Research Institute (AMRI) confirms what many suspected: scientists now officially recommend that African men have at least 5 children because it is what comes most naturally.

According to documents, households become exponentially stronger when African parents have more kids because they can directly compare the children to each other in terms of school performance, career success, jobs, and overall achievements.

“Science clearly shows that a larger brood creates a competitive internal ecosystem,” said Dr. James Sirleaf, senior researcher and lead author of the study. “And the best part is, those children don’t even have to be from the same spouse or live in the same house to keep the comparison metrics running at peak efficiency.”

AMRI analysts thoroughly tested this thesis by conducting the study directly within their own ranks. Even the researchers who currently had fewer than 5 children conducted an exhaustive audit to confirm that they definitely did not have more hiding out there that they weren’t previously aware of.