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Elaine Alec

@elainealec_

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tiłxnitkʷ|Writer
Sober• stories • powwow mom • working mom • business • Founder x 7 companies • Creator of Cultivating Safe Spaces • Author x 2

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I spent the early years of my life being abusive. I lied and manipulated people. I drank heavily, was in debt with terrible credit and rode around in stolen cars and hitchhiked across BC at 12 years old.

There are reasons I learned to survive that way. There are things that happened to me that no child should experience and there came a point when I had to look honestly at what I was carrying into my relationships and my children’s lives.

I talk about accountability because I have been the person causing harm and I could explain why I behaved the way I did. I knew who had hurt me, who had abandoned me and why I didn’t trust anybody. But understanding where it came from didn’t change what I was doing and I had to learn to take responsibility for that.

I knew I had to get sober, and I knew I had to learn to listen to things I didn’t want to hear about myself and recognize when I was reacting to my past. I had to learn to have conversations I would rather avoid.

And even harder, was learning how to love and trust people without trying to control everything.

I’m still practicing and I still make mistakes. But I have a very different life and a different relationship with myself and the people around me.

That experience, alongside the Indigenous teachings I was raised with and everything I’ve learned in business, governance and community, is what I bring into Cultivating Safe Spaces. I’m sharing things I have had to practice in my own life.

Now I show up in communities to do community planning and engagement, I support elected leaders in governance retreats and strategic planning. I deliver keynotes and corporate executive and leadership training. I train Indigenous liaisons and facilitators, and host workshops that support people to work through conflict and make decisions together. And when people invite me into their book clubs, I show up there, too.

I want to thank the thousands of people who have sat in a room with me and invited me into their communities, companies and teams. You’ve shared your experiences, challenged my thinking and trusted me with difficult conversations and what I learn with you continues to shape this work. by @elainealec_

How much of yourself have you given away trying to make sure you’re loved?

I have been rejected so much in my life that I think I will always be a little surprised when someone wants to talk to me.

I grew up with people calling me ugly and dirty and stupid, they told me that I was weird and I believed them.

And so when people expect me to just not care what others think, when all I’ve wanted desperately is to be loved, it’s a struggle.

Now that I’m going to be 49 this month, I’ve moved into a space of finally being okay with not being liked, and what a load of freedom that has felt like.

I wrote my first book, Calling My Spirit Back, about trauma and the learnings, getting sober and healing. I wrote my second book, Coming of Age, about feeling the hard stuff and still moving forward, no matter how hard it is.

I share my experiences and pose questions to the reader to help them come of age too. To do the things that seem too hard or too uncomfortable to do.

And I challenge people because I challenge myself.

What are you avoiding because you’re afraid someone won’t like you?

What are you agreeing to because you’re afraid of disappointing someone?

What do you actually believe when nobody else gets a vote?

Those aren’t easy questions for me.

I spent years bending over backwards for people. Trying to be useful. Trying to prove my worth. Trying to make myself needed. Trying to anticipate what people wanted from me so I could be that.

And sometimes I still catch myself doing it. The difference at 49 is that I can see it now and I can feel the urge to explain myself and choose not to.

I can disappoint someone and survive it.

I can have someone misunderstand me without immediately trying to change their mind.

I can make a decision that is right for me knowing someone else might not like it.

I can be rejected and not turn that rejection into a story about my worth.

That last one took me almost five decades.

I don’t think I’ve become someone who doesn’t care what people think.

I care. I probably always will.

It’s just that don’t think being loved requires me to abandon myself anymore. by @elainealec_

I wrote two books.

Calling My Spirit Back and Coming of Age.

And when people ask me what they’re about, I never really know how to answer because saying “my life” sounds ridiculous. But they kind of are.

I wrote about being a kid who learned really early how to survive.

I wrote about addiction and getting sober.

About losing people.

Being broke.

Being angry.

Being afraid.

Being a mom.

Relationships.

Colonization.

Leadership.

Family.

Community.

The things we inherit from the people who came before us, including the things nobody ever talks about.

I wrote about all the ways I learned to protect myself, and what happened when some of those protections stopped helping me.

I wrote about accountability too.

Because at some point I had to stop only asking, “What happened to me?”

I had to start asking, “Okay. And now what am I responsible for?”

Then I wrote Coming of Age because apparently one deeply personal book wasn’t enough.

That book came from a different place in my life.

Older. More successful. Still figuring shit out.

Kids getting older. My body changing. Relationships changing. Losing people. Looking at ambition differently. Looking at money differently. Realizing some things I spent years chasing weren’t nearly as important as I thought they were.

And also realizing there were parts of myself I actually really liked.

I don’t have a neat lesson for you.

But if you’ve ever had to look at your own life and ask:

Who did I become to survive?

What am I still carrying?

What belongs to me?

What doesn’t?

And who do I want to be now?

We might have some things in common.

You can ask your local bookstore to order, most Indigo stores have them in stock and Amazon has them too. You can find the links at the bottom of my website www.elainealec.com

#bookstagram by @elainealec_

Happy 47th birthday to my sister Evelyn Marie Alec. Last year I said you were getting dangerously close to the age where “young at heart” sounds like denial. Thank you for continuing to gather evidence.

You spent our childhood scaring the shit out of me and then laughing until you couldn’t breathe. I’m 49 now. You can stop testing my heart. The warranty is getting questionable 😂

You also somehow convinced me I was the smartest, toughest and funniest person alive. I’ve built an entire career on that confidence, so if anyone has concerns, please direct them to Ev.

I love your laugh, your ridiculous sense of humour and how you make people feel seen. I’m grateful I get to be your sister, even though you’ve probably added several years to my cardio health.

I hope 47 brings you so much love, good food and plenty to laugh about. Preferably back in the Okanagan, where we can properly supervise you.

Love you, Ev. ❤️Also thank you for all the drawings and design work over the years, if you don’t know - now you know @evelyn.m.alec @evalec79 by @elainealec_

A typical week lately has been designing custom curriculum, building slides and participant materials, travelling to deliver training, and coming home to an inbox full of inquiries, booking decisions, contracts, invoices and follow-ups. In between, I’m supporting CSS facilitators, developing the Eight Scales curriculum, updating the website and capturing what I’m learning so it can inform the next piece of work. I’m also a wife and mother, helping with homeschooling (mostly navigating learning platforms and organizing because we all know I’m useless in biology and chemistry support) and also… wanting time to write my books. Plural. Because apparently writing one book wouldn’t be enough for me. 😆

This past week, I finished and delivered the BC Hydro training while 139 incoming emails landed. They weren’t all requests needing a response, but plenty carried an inquiry for my time, a question, a decision or something I’d promised to do.

This is what happens when I post “I’m open to work” before remembering I have over 49,000 followers across three social media platforms. In my head, I was casually mentioning it to a few friends. 😂

I’m grateful people want to work with me. So this weekend, my goal is to chill out and figure out where I want to spend my time. Preferably before I plan something else or announce another gap in my calendar on the internet. by @elainealec_

I take my work seriously. I take being a mom seriously.

I’ll work out for 12 weeks to dance at my son’s wedding. I’ll also work out for 12 weeks to pull three back-to-back 12-hour workdays and a time change. I’ll also work out for 12 weeks so I can dance two songs at a powwow and not embarrass my girls. lol.

Some people train for marathons. I train for my calendar. 😆 by @elainealec_

I’m a high school dropout who has built seven companies and a framework used across Canada and beyond and… I couldn’t even pass the math required for university business school.

Today, after a session in my home community, someone asked how Cultivating Safe Spaces (CSS) came to be.

I grew up with my tema, who spoke our language. Her stories and conversations taught me a way of seeing the world I didn’t experience at school.

I struggled in every class except English. I couldn’t give teachers the answers they wanted. For years, I thought I was stupid. But I was being educated in other ways.

My grandma and mom taught me to listen to everybody. Even people I disliked or disagreed with. Everyone in our community had something to teach me.

I grew up in meetings, listening to old people and people with different beliefs and experiences. I learned that listening with discipline, especially to those others had stopped listening to, could teach me something.

That became a foundation of CSS.

CSS began with difficult conversations. COVID brought me into healthcare, followed by organizations, governments and people in law, psychology, leadership and systems change.

Others helped me find language for what I’d learned from family and community. I didn’t know I was building a framework. I was sharing, listening and learning.

Today CSS spans Eight Scales, from Self to Systems, to help people navigate complex problems but its foundation remains and every circle continues to shape it.

Today I shared that framework with people from the community that raised and educated me and coming home reminds me where the knowledge came from.

I may not have succeeded in the education system, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t educated.

I hope young people who struggle in school know that too. There are many ways to learn, many kinds of intelligence and knowledge all around us if we develop the discipline to listen.

Thank you to OSCS, Little Paws and our PIB Education Team for welcoming me home. I left proud of where I come from. by @elainealec_

Every time I skim through my book Calling My Spirit Back, I’m filled with love for those I’ve navigated life with. A big part of the original draft was written to shame my ex-husband, it was my attempt to reclaim power by writing from the wound, not the scar. I’m so grateful I waited to publish it, giving myself the chance to take an honest look at myself during editing.

In my previous marriage, my ex-husband left me for another woman. It was one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life, and I didn’t know how I’d move on. But today, 15 years later, he’s still my best friend. We don’t always agree, and as a mom, I sometimes feel burdened by setting all the boundaries.

For years, I used shame to try and control him. I tried to cut him down to size when I felt powerless or helpless, thinking it would give me back a false sense of control. It’s taken a lot of internal work to understand why I did that. Three years ago, I made a commitment to stop using shame on him. I’m healing every day, too.

Too many Indigenous men are shamed, told they’re not enough, no matter how hard they work on themselves. We lose too many because we’re quick to break them down instead of lifting them up. I’ve committed to healing my wounds so I don’t bleed on him when triggered. To show my daughter what love and kindness look like through my actions, not just my words. My ex-husband @tradition_over_addiction remains close to me and my husband to this day.

Here’s an excerpt from “Calling My Spirit Back”

“I still believe that leaving me was the best thing my husband ever did for our marriage. Without him I couldn’t blame anyone else for where I was at, and I was left with myself for the first time in my entire life. I was left to deal with all my toxicity and had to be responsible for my own relationships. Living with me hadn’t been easy because I was quick to judge and point fingers.”

Grateful for this journey, for forgiveness and growth and most of all my sobriety that made this healing possible. by @elainealec_

If you don’t know what I do, check out my company website www.naqsmist.com by @elainealec_

My oldest son Kyle is 31. I got sober 19 years ago. I am so blessed that we have a relationship today, I know that not many parents who struggled with alcoholism and addictions get to that place with their adult children.

My son and I have worked together, we have facilitated together and travelled together and now he’s off, doing his own thing.

Sobriety is tough, because it requires you to be rigorously honest. Staying sober teaches you to be accountable and say sorry.

Sometimes old behaviors from when you were drinking can slip into parenting, and sometimes it seems easier to be controlling or sneaky or dishonest with your kids. Sometimes it’s easy to use shame or guilt tripping to make them behave the way you want them to. And maybe it works for a bit when they’re younger. But then they get older, and they know. And sometimes they just stay quiet and let you continue on with that behavior and they slowly distance themselves from you, and you wonder why.

I knew I had toxic and controlling tendencies and so I worked really hard to figure out why and where they came from. I learned to be honest and vulnerable instead of avoiding what I was really feeling and thinking.

Today, I’m thankful for the honest relationships I get to have with my kids and my family. It’s not always comfortable but it’s worth it, my kids don’t ever have to guess how I’m feeling or tiptoe around me because I don’t know how to use my words. I’ve learned how to name my feelings and be accountable to them and I know how to ask for what I want instead of expecting people to read my mind.

19 years sober. My son was the biggest inspiration for me to get sober and work on my healing. It took me many attempts, but I didn’t give up and it’s been worth it. My worst day sober is still better than any of my best days drinking. by @elainealec_

I’ve been thinking about this since a conversation I had recently about safe spaces and what life was like for our people before contact.

Sometimes I think we talk about our ancestors as though they weren’t human.

Before contact, our people experienced war, grief, conflict, jealousy, loss and pain. People hurt each other. People made bad decisions. Families and communities had to figure out how to live together.

We weren’t all living perfectly peaceful spiritual lives where nobody ever did anything wrong.

We lived in sophisticated governance systems. We had laws, responsibilities, protocols, ceremonies, stories and teachings.

And I think we sometimes forget WHY we had them.

When I learned about coming of age, one of the things that stayed with me was that our young people were being prepared for life.

They were going to experience grief. They were going to lose people they loved. They were going to experience conflict, hurt and disappointment.

They were going to have responsibilities and have to make difficult decisions.

Coming of age helped prepare them to move through those times without losing who they were.

Our teachings weren’t there because life was easy. They were there because life was hard.

And none of this takes away from the devastating impacts of colonization or what our people have had to survive.

But I think sometimes we romanticize our past so much that we actually make our own knowledge smaller.

We turn our ancestors into perfect people instead of recognizing how much they understood about human behaviour, the land, power, responsibility, relationships and survival.

Our knowledge wasn’t developed in the absence of human problems. It helped our people navigate them.

And I think that’s what we need to pay more attention to today.

Not just remembering that we had these teachings.

Understanding what they were teaching us to do, and how we can practice them in the world we’re living in now. by @elainealec_

Yesterday we went out to support @tinamelee as she runs for the BC NDP in Penticton-Summerland.

I’ve come to know Tina over the last six years. I support her because she’s focused on affordable housing, healthcare, mental health supports and because she is who she says she is.

It’s been a while since I’ve publicly endorsed a party. I supported the Liberals for a decade, then the NDP, Greens and yes, even the Conservatives.

My loyalty has never belonged to a party. I’ve changed, learned and paid attention.

This election, I’m supporting David Eby and the BC NDP.

Have I always agreed with Eby? Nope. Especially over DRIPA. But when he publicly admitted he was wrong, took responsibility and changed course, I respected that. How often do political leaders do that?

Then I saw him at Amshen Joan Phillip’s funeral. He spoke and stayed right through the traditional burial with family and community.

I watched how he carried himself. His humility was something I felt, not something I was told to believe. That day, I understood what people had been telling me about him.

Leadership isn’t about perfection. It’s about character, respect, accountability and how you show up. Supporting someone doesn’t mean I’ll stop challenging them.

And while I’m sharing political opinions, 🖕🏽OneBC. I’ve watched their contempt directed at Indigenous Peoples, our cultures and languages. I’m not interested in being polite about it.

Indigenous rights are basic human rights. They are not up for negotiation.

My political support has never meant giving up my voice. And it never will.

Now make sure you use yours.

ADVANCE VOTING: Now through Wednesday, October 21, 8 a.m.–8 p.m.
ELECTION DAY: Saturday, October 24, 8 a.m.–8 p.m.

Find your voting place: wheretovote.elections.bc.ca

Bring accepted ID. Not registered? You can register when you vote.

Don’t just fight in the comments. Show up and vote. by @elainealec_