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fighting.james

@fighting.james

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fighting for recovery from AN & depression
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SIXHUNDREDTWENTEEONE dear former best friend, when we met that day, i never imagined that just a few months later you would become one of my most favorite people in life, that fast. i shared a lot with you, i teared my heart open for you. you felt like a brother to me, so familiar, so fast. You were in my thoughts in the morning and also in the evening, a soulmate. a person i shared a lot. i usually isolate myself when times get worse and things get to much for me to handle. you understood, you said. that one time, i decided to speek up and reach out for help. i told you a lot, lots about my thoughts, about the darkness in my mind. About my tornados, about my demons. times got little better and time got worse again. we got closer and further apart. like the waves im the ocean. Till that one day, i was too much for you. Too much of everything, too emotional. And it slowly got silent between us. Silence that i could bearly stand. you told me, that you are not my mind-trashcan. A punch in my face. And with that you woke up one of my biggest fear. rejection. i was to much for you. im sorry for that, but i thought thats what our friendship was for. To help each other trough band times. I cried with you, i celebrated your reached goals. I cared. Today i havent heard from you for excactly two months. two long months without any messsage, without any sign. you just got on with your life. blocked me out, ghosted me from the socials. you went on without me, even as i never existed for you. And now i wanted you to know, you left me, when i was on my fucking lowest. You fucking left me, when i needed you the most. I wondered why i deserved this. What is wrong with me. You gave me the feeling to not be good enough for you, to not be good enough for anybody, to not be ever good enough. So i decided to go silent again, like i did so many years. by @fighting.james
SIXHUNDREDTWENTEE And every time my phone rings, I hope it's you, but you keep silent. I don't know how to understand this, but I think I'm beginning to understand the message behind this silence. I wish that our friendship meant only partially as much to you as it does to me. But I'm probably too much. Too much caring, too much loving, too much feeling, too much of everything and yet not good enough for that. This breaks my heart... i hope you know #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety #bps by @fighting.james
SIXHUNDREDEIGHTTEEN I wake up, checking my phone. There is no message, i wished it was. I opened my heart for you many times. Feels like carring it im my hands to show you and you dont play attention now. I dont know how long i can stand this. Your actions speak much louder than your words. So im sitting and waiting for an action, that may never happen. I sit here,, feeling nothing at all. Waiting.. #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety #bps by @fighting.james
SIXHUNDREDSEVENTEEN Yes, you may see me getting up again and again and you call it strong... but what you don't see is how often I really breakdown, stumble, fall down, how high my inner tension is every day, how the smallest things overwhelm me, how often I think about stopping this fight. How I lie awake for nights, unable to rest, starring at the cieling and how weak my body and my will have become the last few month. You can't see how often I just burst into tears out of desperation, withdraw completely for days, stop speaking at all, try to feel myself somehow and damage myself. How I try to just function during the day and then lie paralysed numbed in my bed in the evening, wishing I could finally fall asleep and never wake up again. You don't see how I slowly run out of strength, how I can't get a bite to eat some days. How the strength to get up in the morning, the strength to take care of myself and the strength to do things that once gave me so much back is missing. What you don't see is that I have bad panic attacks that totally cut me off and completely overwhelm me. How the fear of fear limits me, almost every day. You call that strength? It's currently just about ... surviving #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety #bps by @fighting.james
SIXHUNDREDTHIRTEEN "Always there for you," you promised. And now I sit here, alone. You promised me, to stay trough this storm. Another though storm. But you're gone now. Tell me does hope hurt more than giving up? Or does holding on to is even more painful than letting go? Cant change the fact you left in this hard time. Please, just promise me you'll think us, of a time that was so wonderful. Maybe its time to close another capter for peace in heart and mind, some day. #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety #bps by @fighting.james
FIVEHUNDRETSEVENTY My words are as heavy as lead. They get stuck in my throat and won't come out. Another restless night. I don't feel like talking. I remain silent. There's emptiness and at the same time so filled with loneliness. All I want is a message. Your message, just be seen or something. But... #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety by @fighting.james
FIVEHUNDRETSIXTYSIX And I lying awake. Can't sleep. My heart is heavy, my thoughts too. Maybe you're lying awake right now too. Maybe you're already asleep. Maybe you've finally arrived where you wanted to be, in your home. A new home for your heart. I wish you knew how much I need you right now. But all I can do is wish you well. All the best to you. Hope you are ok. #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety by @fighting.james
FIVEHUNDRETSIXTYTWO how do you feel now? Last hour before the big break in the sessions, today. Maybe this is necessary, I'm so damn tired. Eight werks, thats a long time... Trust the process, life happens, you can stand this, go with your flow, he said. Think it's a matter of acceptance. Should learn to let go, not to lose you completely, while I hold you so tight. My arms and hands cramp. So much pain. Welcome, fear of loss. Trying to accept you, today. Pls dont stay to long this time. #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety by @fighting.james
FIVEHUNDRETFIFTYEIGHT Waves of fear and (self-)doubt went hand in hand with power and confidence, today. Extremely exhausting ups and downs. What a fucking mess. I am the mess. #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety #bpd by @fighting.james
FIVEHUNDRETFIFTYTHREE Anger, its anger. Maybe about something I have lost or am about to lose, or even something that never really existed. It hurts, so much more than physically. Hardly bearable. I want to cut, to cut it out. But I'm disgusted by it. I'm so ashamed. And you? I miss you. #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety by @fighting.james
FIVEHUNDRETFOURTNINE Woke up with a heavy heart. Night was an awful nightmare. Restless. Full of panic. Woke up at night, all sweaty, heart racing. I am tired, exhausted. Empty. Dark clouds in my head, rainy, foggy.. I would like to write to you, to know how you are doing, but I cant, i am totaly paralysed. Sorry. #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety by @fighting.james
FIVEHUNDRETFOURTYSIX Maybe no one would ever notice. Insecurity. Unstable. Pressure. Thoughts. Too much but not enough. I Can't. Am a bad friend. Sorry. Panicattack. I'm exhausted. Tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything. Wish for some courage, for energy to rise. Ashamed of my thoughts, of my feelings. Hope for less stormy times tomorrow. #fighting #fighter #recovery #depression #kptbs #keepgoing #upanddown #diary #thoughts #mentalhealth #fog #foggy #brainfog #borderline #thinkingincircles #neverending #tornado #fear #anxiety by @fighting.james

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