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mac._conde

@itm._oleic

2 years ago
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Posted On: November 3rd 2024, 12:03 am
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I’ve decided I’m going to begin the process of writing my memoir. If there are any local publishing companies who might be interested in offering me a fabulous book deal, please kindly insert yourselves into my DMs. Please enjoy the following excerpt from Chapter 2: Just A Lil’ Fella: It was a brisk November Sunday in 2006. My father had just ruined an entire cookie sheet of roasted garlic, for the third time that week, after falling asleep on the couch again. Too many Chocolate “So Good” soy milk & vodkas, combined with an endless loop of “Earth Wind & Fire Live At the Greek Theatre” on Blu-ray had lulled him into a blissful state of unconsciousness. I was downstairs in the unfinished basement, trying to solve an erotic Carmen Elektra dress-up doll game on Ebaum’s World, when I was jolted out of my seat by the piercing screech of the smoke detector. “What the…?” I exhaled as my heart jumped into my throat. I minimized the browser, pulled up my sweatpants and bolted upstairs, careful to hop over the soiled puppy pad from Coco, our un-housebroken 8-year-old Shih Tzu/Bichon, next to the computer area. “Dad! What’s going on?!” I shouted through the haze, just in time to see him grab the hot pan straight out of the oven with his bare hand. “CHRIST!!!” He wailed as the cookie sheet fell to the kitchen floor, sending charcoaled cloves flying in every direction. The smoke detector still blaring. *EEP! EEP! EEP!* He lunged to the sink, shoving his hand under the faucet. “GRAB ME SOME DAMN ICE!” He screamed. I started coughing hysterically. Coco, roused by the commotion, darted into the kitchen, enthusiastically licking splattered garlic juice off my father’s shins and feet. “CHRIST ALMIGHTY!” He bellowed, flailing his legs around frantically, causing Coco to start yipping uncontrollably. *YIP! YIP! YIP!* “ICE, NOW!!” *EEP! EEP! EEP!* Suddenly my mother’s voice came echoing from the basement. “What on earth is this FILTH on MY computer?!” *YIP! EEP! YIP! EEP!* My dad fell to the floor. “Boogie Wonderland” blared from the other room. Coco took a dump on the carpet.
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