hadley

being su*cidal at a young age is weird. never using energy on enjoying life and taking it all in, just using energy on staying alive. i never had a plan for past 18. in my mind, im not supposed to be here. ive been winging it this whole time. no plan, just vibes. november 23rd will always feel odd to me. three years ago today i went to butler hospital to stay for a few days. i knew i would be there over thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) which was hard, but i did it so that i could spend countless more thanksgivings with the people i love. admitting that i needed help was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. i have struggled with my mental health since i was 12, so i am not stranger to therapists and psychiatrists, but admitting that i needed a higher level of treatment made me feel weak and like i wasn’t able to do this on my own. looking back at that, i realize that it was quite the opposite. three years ago today i was the strongest version of myself. and three years later i am so glad i stayed. some things i would have missed: meeting new friends that will stay in my life forever. the wicked movie (everyone go see it now). dogs on the street that ill say hello to before the owner. a job i love. concerts. broadway shows. seeing my little sister grow up. vacations. mcdonalds diet cokes. winter swims. and of course healing is not linear. ive had good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, and good months and bad months. but experiencing the bad only makes you soak in the good that much more. my favorite author said “it’s okay to wear the scars of experience”. it’s okay. so, looking back, three years later, i can say that i am so incredibly grateful that i stayed. please never be afraid to talk about your mental health. it is real and it is so important. my door (and dms) are always open and i am always here to listen. happy three year psych wardversary to me, im doing this for the little girl that’s cheering me on right now. and a very happy november 23rd to all those who celebrate <3