The age my brain would take me to, when something rang a little too true and set of a trigger.
Without being triggered, you would have thought I was one of the most emotional mature people you had met & I played the role very well.
Avoidance was the key.
I would either stay out the way and avoid being triggered or if I was triggered I would withdraw and take away any access to my mental.
The latter was my form of punishment.
Like ‘fuk you, now you get nothing of me, ha’.
Now when I look back at it it’s very childish but for many years, it was a coping mechanism that protected me.
Kept me safe from known and unknown dangers.
Only now, at my big age all it set to do is destroy my friendships and any relationship I would seek out.
Even though most relationships I sought were with emotionally unavailable men, who were more fuked up than me (so I didn’t have to focus on my shortcomings and issues).
Once I did get into a healthy relationship, that is when I really saw just how avoidant I was, how easily I was triggered and how much work I had to do.
Most discussions would turn into arguments, where I felt I needed to defend myself. I would roll my eyes, kiss my teeth & huff constantly. I would tit for tat not recognising my partners feelings or acknowledging any issue he brought up. Then I would disassociate and tune out.
Sighting I was overwhelmed and needed space.
And I was. But not because of the argument. It was due to being taken back to the very first moment I felt attacked and wanting to protect myself. Using the same energy to fight off my partner, who just wanted to discus an issue.
It got tired really quickly and very soon became apparent that we would not be able to continue because nothing would ever get resolved.
It was in that very moment I realised that if I wanted to keep this relationship, I would need to change something.
I started of by trying to put a name to the emotions that would come up.
Which were sadness, embarrassment and shame (plus more).
Understanding that I wasn’t feeling those things because of my partner and stopped getting angry at him for it
Cont.
a year agoadore_reese_
Damn. Use my name the next time you call me out like this. I'm going through it now. I realize I really have to show up differently to have the healthy relationship I always say I want. I'm 45, but the 9yr old who's whole world got turned upside down will come out kicking and screaming so often. I lost my Mama 3yrs ago and when I tell you that little girl has come back with a vengeance! She refuses to be denied. I'm struggling but I'm committed to healing her so I can heal big girl me. ❤️ You were really missed.
a year agoperplexedpsychee
Putting those feelings to the side for the time being, so I could be fully present for the discussion and take responsibility for my part played. Sitting with the emotions and seeing if they were relevant in the current discussion I was having was a life changer for me. Stopped me from lashing out and trying to punish those around me. Allowed me to be present in the now. Discussions didn’t turn into arguments. I also now had a names for my emotions and was able to locate there they originated from. Now am I no longer triggered? Yes!!! But I take a moment to sit with my feelings and name them. Locate the origin and work on working though them in my own time, without any pressure.
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