Instagram story viewer> @perplexedpsychee> Posts
perplexedpsychee(@perplexedpsychee)'s profile avatar HD Profile

perplexedpsychee

@perplexedpsychee

25K
followers
1074
following
♋️ -☀️ & 🌙
Cusp Of Magic.. ✨
…
Moving in LOVE.
POSTS STORIES REELS
Turns out I love a bit of chaos. Spent my whole life in it, when I could make my own decisions, I immersed myself in the dangerous type. When I realised it was super unhealthy and wanted change i swapped the type of chaos I engaged in. The chaos is now controlled. Well kinda. My house always sounds like a fun house. 5 kids will do that and while I don’t love hearing my name called 1001 times by 4 squeaky voices at the same time, I love the sound of laughter & game ideas and unity. No one said peace had to be quiet.. but chaos doesn’t have to be dangerous and unhealthy. by @perplexedpsychee
Both can be true. And they are. This world is alll the way fuked up. It’s only right that we feel it. I know I do. Especially as I’m in a space where I love my life. I love me and those around me. But I regularly feel guilty for my happiness. The dark side of my psyche telling me that the universe will balance things out, by bestowing a sadness as deep as my current happiness. These thoughts turn intrusive and I hyper fixate on them. Believing they’re true. Then i have to remind myself that those thoughts are not mine. Instead of holding on a developing them, i watch the thoughts come, acknowledge them and then let them pass. It’s something I’m trying to train my brain to do. So I can skip the hyper fixation and intrusive thoughts and save myself the sadness I somehow think I deserve, for being happy. Some days I’m great at it. Other day I’m not. I’m learning to give myself grace and trying my best to extend it to others. So yes Bitch I am fine.. but I also prolly do need therapy too. by @perplexedpsychee
I have this thing, where I am almost scared to lean too far into my happiness. There’s a voice (that has gotten quieter over these last few years), that always reminds me that it can all be snatched away. Stemming from a childhood of amazing highs and dreadful lows, in my once young and innocent mind, I came to the conclusion that balance was the reason. For every good that happened to me, the universe had to balance it out with something to humble me. So I’ve always been tense.. waiting for the other shoe to drop. My nervous system in constant fight or flight mode, ready for the next imminent attack. Taking away from the joy of the moment. I’m now in the process of swapping out the worry for gratitude. Taking each day as it comes, knowing that nothing last forever but now leaning into the good, staying present and most of all relaxing. We are allowed to be soft. Relax your jaw. Unclench your fists. Take a deep breath. Be. by @perplexedpsychee
Emotionally I was stuck at 11 for the best part of 20yrs. The age my brain would take me to, when something rang a little too true and set of a trigger. Without being triggered, you would have thought I was one of the most emotional mature people you had met & I played the role very well. Avoidance was the key. I would either stay out the way and avoid being triggered or if I was triggered I would withdraw and take away any access to my mental. The latter was my form of punishment. Like ‘fuk you, now you get nothing of me, ha’. Now when I look back at it it’s very childish but for many years, it was a coping mechanism that protected me. Kept me safe from known and unknown dangers. Only now, at my big age all it set to do is destroy my friendships and any relationship I would seek out. Even though most relationships I sought were with emotionally unavailable men, who were more fuked up than me (so I didn’t have to focus on my shortcomings and issues). Once I did get into a healthy relationship, that is when I really saw just how avoidant I was, how easily I was triggered and how much work I had to do. Most discussions would turn into arguments, where I felt I needed to defend myself. I would roll my eyes, kiss my teeth & huff constantly. I would tit for tat not recognising my partners feelings or acknowledging any issue he brought up. Then I would disassociate and tune out. Sighting I was overwhelmed and needed space. And I was. But not because of the argument. It was due to being taken back to the very first moment I felt attacked and wanting to protect myself. Using the same energy to fight off my partner, who just wanted to discus an issue. It got tired really quickly and very soon became apparent that we would not be able to continue because nothing would ever get resolved. It was in that very moment I realised that if I wanted to keep this relationship, I would need to change something. I started of by trying to put a name to the emotions that would come up. Which were sadness, embarrassment and shame (plus more). Understanding that I wasn’t feeling those things because of my partner and stopped getting angry at him for it Cont. by @perplexedpsychee
Back like i left.. came back, left again. Had another kid. Battled hormones that never actually settled from the last 3 kids I had (back to back’ish). Which completely overwhelmed me. Lost my spark for writing. Blocked completely. Now ready to push myself back into writing and sharing my emotions. I know it’s been a loooooong muthafukin time. How yall doing? Shits a little fuked up huh?! Hope yall still smiling through the bullshit 💋 by @perplexedpsychee

Download All

Save the photos and videos currently loaded on this page.

0Photos
0Videos
Ready to download 0 / 0

Keep this tab open until your download is ready.
back to up