Zara Barrie

Have you ever taken a ride down crash-out BLVD? ❌

I’ve been speeding down crash-out BLVD, for almost two years.

Started with my brother’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis.

I think maybe I was aware of the fatality of his destination, somewhere deep down where we store our most painful knowings.

Those hard truths gifted to us by our intuition might be buried for a while; but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. If you’ve ever known something you don’t want to know—you get what I mean. 💔

When my brother passed on September 24th, 2024 I felt ready to get off crash-out highway and just…crash-out. It was safe to, finally. I didn’t have to take on the role of a caretaker. I got to be a grieving little sister.

Three weeks to the date of my brother’s death, I got the call.

I was sitting on a hotel bed in NYC writing a humorous/dark essay about “grief fashion.” My mom called twice in a row. I was annoyed; “I’m in the middle of WRITING,” I thought but didn’t say because I’d never disrespect my mother like that.

I picked up.

“You are not going to believe this! I have ovarian cancer!” She wailed.

I didn’t believe it. I mean I DID—but I immediately decided her cancer story was NOT ALLOWED to END THE SAME WAY BLAKE’S DID. She would survive. Of course! Have you met my mother? 77 with a biological age of 53. 🌷

“Maybe we’re about to witness the inverse of what happened to Blake. Maybe she will not just survive but THRIVE.” I declared.

Mom liked this idea. It gave her purpose. It gave me purpose. Purpose was the engine that carried us through our greatest fear: leaving each other. We clung even harder to each other. We made videos documenting her journey up until hospice, which was the most spiritual, excruciating & catalytic experience of my life.

Crash-out blvd here we go.

Three months ago she passed. And I’m clearing out the house that held us all. Picking up pieces of the past & storing them in boxes.

Follow the crash-out journey on Substack 🔗 code MESSY for 50% off for year. $5 a month. If life’s coming at you HARD—this is for you.🦋

New essay live tonight 9PM ET 🔥