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doseofzhully

@doseofzhully

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Posted On: September 14th 2026, 10:16 am
#coding #techlover #softwaredevelopment

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“You’re so strong” they say. I’ve heard this so many times. I say thanks. But inside I’m thinking, how? How is this strength? I feel like I’m dying. The weakest I’ve ever felt. Like my soul left my body 79 days ago. I feel so broken. Like there’s only pieces of the person I used to be. Just shattered all around.  I will always show up for my kids. Any hour of the day. Whatever they need. I’ve never missed a game. Even if I’m breaking down in the parking lot before I walk in. I know I have other kids that need me. And I’ll always be there for them. But to me - that’s not strength. That’s the bare minimum. I’m their mom. I’ll always show up. I drop my kids off at school every morning and the tears just flow on the way home. Knowing I’m going home to an empty house. One that used to be filled with so much happiness. My little two year old would be waiting for me to scoop him out of his crib. He’d wrap his arms around my neck and kiss my cheeks. I’ve never liked doing laundry. But I loved doing it with Haze. I’d fold a whole load and he’d come knock it all over. Which sounds annoying. But I thought it was so funny. He just made everything better. I’d get ready in the morning and he’d copy everything I did. He’d beg for a make up brush. To swipe all over his face like his mom. He called me “mom”. Which always made us laugh. Not mommy. Or mama. Just mom. I miss going for walks - pushing a stroller. Now my hands are empty. I just walk with Baler on the same paths we used to walk. To the same parks. But now with nothing. I go to bed every night wrapped in his blanket. Begging to feel close to him. And I feel nothing but emptiness. Hands that once were full. Now have nothing. Nothing but a blanket. An object that meant so much to my sweet boy. Something he loved. Something that brought him comfort. And now it’s just a reminder of what used to be. A reminder of what we’ve lost. I haven’t even had a single dream of him. I beg my Heavenly Father each night to do something. Anything. Let me feel close to my boy. Let me know he’s still near. Give me something. And I wake up alone. With nothing. Nothing but the blanket. Still wrapped around me. #grief
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