Leah | Poet & Writer

I’ve tried really hard to put into words several times this silent expectation from others that I FEEL (not fact, but feelings) has blanketed my grief since having my daughter, and so far I’ve not been able to do it. But last night as I was holding her, tears running down my face, these words dropped into my heart. I have felt like since having my daughter, that people expect that it makes my grief lighter, or that it makes days like Mother’s Day, her birthday, or anniversary a little bit easier. As if a daughter can be the bandaid to mother-grief. But when I tell you that her presence has amplified my Mum’s absence, I mean that I feel my grief even more deeply. For every smile she misses. For every cuddle she’ll never get to have. For every moment that I wish I could call her and just say “MUM IM DOING IT!!! I’m doing motherhood and it’s the best thing in the world! I wish you could see me doing it!” For every question that I only want her answer for. And it’s well meaning for people to say she’s watching from heaven, watching me be a mum, which I believe, but nothing could compare to having her HERE, on earth witnessing this. My daughter’s presence could never fill the enormity of the absence of my mum, and that would be so unfair to expect her to. And so, there’s this image in my head, where Odelia isn’t the bandaid, but she is standing in the centre of my heart, with a torch, holding my hand, showing me just how deep the wound of Motherloss truly is.
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#motherloss #motherlessmotherhood #motherwounds #griefpoetry #griefjourney