Jonathan

It’s a year today since you took your last breath…. We don’t realize how deeply broken we are until we’re mid sentence with someone and hear yourself say, “Yeah, me and my brother are going...” or “Let me call my brother real quick...” Then the air leaves your lungs. Reality crashes back in.

There is no “we” anymore. There is no call to make. Just a thread of text messages sent into the void, sitting there with no response. I still have your number saved in my phone, Jayson. I still text you here and there, because I can’t bring myself to delete you. I refuse to erase the proof that you were here.

You were always my first call. No matter what broke or went wrong, we were always there to pull each other up. I lived believing there would always be more time, more late night conversations and the dream of owning our business in el pueblo de Aguadilla. But the choices made have cheated us all...

Now, this grief doesn’t just sit in my heart, it lives in the habits that refuse to die. It lives in the casual future tense my mouth still uses, as if you’re just around the corner. Losing you didn’t just break my spirit… it completely fractured my reality.

You left an irreplaceable void in every single life you touched. But this past week, I’ve felt you close. I’m getting by, day by day, but I am lost. The pain doesn’t go away it just becomes a constant background noise.

Sitting on the edge of my bed tonight, feeling the full weight of your absence, I opened my phone and saw a single post… “Whatever tonight looks like for you, please know that you are loved. You are worthy. You are enough.”

For months, I haven’t felt worthy or whole. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel more times than I can count and even though I’ve sought help, it’s still so painful. But seeing those words tonight felt like a quiet hand on my shoulder a sign from you, reminding me that even in this deep darkness, I have to keep going.

I love you, Jayson. I miss you every single second. Always.