Kimberly Brown

Trey had been begging me to chaperone his 6th grade trip to Sonora. I went last year with the trips. But this year, I didn’t think I could do it

Three days away from Haze’s room. His things. All the little reminders of him that fill our house

But I did it. We did it

We hiked, danced, laughed, made memories and I’m so glad I went with him

I hope he always remembers that his mom went to camp with him. That even in the darkest days of her life, she still showed up

And there were reminders of Haze everywhere.  Haze stickers on water bottles. Kids wearing their “Shoot for Haze” bracelets. Looking back at pictures, I noticed so many little light flares. I don’t know what they were but they felt like reminders of our boy

I held it together pretty well

Until the bus ride home

I was looking at pictures from last year and found one of me FaceTiming Haze

I just lost it

I took deep breaths but the tears kept coming. Trey mouthed, “Are you good?” He kept checking on me. He squeezed my hand so tight

I pulled myself together and made it home

And then I lost it all over again

I came home to an empty house

Last year, I came home to the brightest light. Haze went CRAZY when he saw me & gave me the tightest hug. Best feeling ever. 

This year, I walked into a quiet house

All the lights were on - but the house felt dark

I went straight to Haze’s room & just laid there. Surrounded by his things. His little world. The things that still make this house feel like he should be here

And I let the tears flow

I think when I try to hold everything in for too long - eventually my body just crashes. I can be strong. Show up. Make memories. Be present for my kids

But eventually I have to come home & feel it all

And I did

I’m so grateful I pushed through the heaviness and gave Trey those 3 days.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to do this without Haze. I don’t know how to be in this world without him in it

But I know Trey wanted his mom

So I went

I showed up. Made memories with my boy. And then came home and fell apart

Maybe that’s what this looks like right now

Showing up when I can. Falling apart when I can’t. Carrying Haze with me through all of it.