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@paytonbock

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scottsdale, az
welcome to my life outside the office
national commercial sales
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<3 life by @paytonbock

by @paytonbock

Today feels like a big one.

It marks five years since my dad passed away.
It is excruciating to even write that.

In the days and weeks after he died, I felt comforted by the temporal closeness of him… to know that I had seen him three days ago, two weeks ago, made it feel like he was still close to me. But now it’s been five years since I’ve seen my dad smile or hugged him.

I have learned, these past five years, that grief is not something you get over. I will grieve my dad for the rest of my life. The lack of him sits on my heart and makes it extremely heavy. I can sometimes think of him now without bursting into tears, I can tell funny stories about him, bring him up in casual conversation, even tell people that my dad is no longer with us without breaking down.

But that weight is still there.
I will carry it forever.

I long for the simplicity of life before he died, but I know it’s not coming back. Life is beautifully complicated. He knew that long before I did, he just shielded me from it.

I’m still learning, still trying to become, still trying to doubt less and explore more. I’m still trying to love unconditionally and figure out what my priorities are. I’m still imperfect, still heartbroken, but I’m working on it.

“It isn’t goodbye, just see you later.”

I’ll see him in the small, insignificant moments. The big moments. The fireworks. The sunset tonight. The love I feel around me. See him in my dreams when I’m missing him desperately. In his family and friends. In the tattoo on my wrist. In the real estate professionals I meet.

I’ll see you nowhere and I’ll see you everywhere, dad.
I love you forever and always. by @paytonbock

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