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Matoida “Money maker” Heheham

@summersandwitches

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Matilda and CO’s sandwiches. Can be homemade or bought. DM submissions

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Romeo is a certified wordsmith, so he wrote the review himself:

blt.

the blt is one of those of sandwiches that truly is as timeless as it is classic. before memories stuck and i was learning to speak as a young baby, the first noises i made were sounds that started with the letter “B”. you’d hear me say “buh” or “beh”. with time and practice what was spat out would be my first word ever said. “Blt” uttered from my tiny baby lips. my parents both in shock knew exactly what they had to do. they went into the kitchen and made me that sandwich. i ate it. i keep eating them. and i can’t stop eating those fucking things. i’ve been putting belt to ass on blt’s since i was in diapers. i know who the fuck i am. by @summersandwitches

WATCH TIL END

A recipe, for the perfect house sitting experience:

⭐️1 house, preferably with a walk-in pantry
⭐️1 generous pour of whiskey (repeat until morale improves)
⭐️1 son named JimJam
⭐️Red Dead Redemption 2, preferably full volume and at all hours of the night
⭐️An unreasonable consumption of sandwiches
⭐️ 1 first-ever homemade pie, made with equal parts confidence and Celsius
⭐️ Several of the world’s largest ants, casually cat-walking throughout the entire house like they pay da rent
⭐️ 1 housewife named Romeo, who loves steak and going to SouthCenter mall on Monday afternoon dates

1. Begin by acquiring a house with a walk-in pantry. This is essential. You will need somewhere to stare into the abyss while deciding what sandwich to make.

2. Introduce whiskey to your wife, generously. You are not a scientist, but you are certain this is his needed medicine.

3. Kiss your son Jim. He loves you. And you, him.

4. Turn on Red Dead Redemption 2. But only for a little at a time.

5. Prepare a sandwich. Eat.

6. Attempt your first pie.

7. Pray to every known deity.

8. Allow the ants to pass. They have somewhere to be.

9. Introduce Romeo, the housewife. Ensure he is adequately supplied with steak. A happy Romeo is a peaceful Romeo. I learned that the hard way.

Yield:
Two happy housesitters. by @summersandwitches

Found an old draft from over the summer. Unedited. Raw footage. Joe’s Cafe over in Montlake. So right now my heart is actually going to be aching, because we all look so blissfull giggle puss sun-kissed cheeches here. by @summersandwitches

I was chatting on the phone with my husband Emil the other day, and this sandwich submission of theirs naturally came up. The focal point, mango chutney, triggered the memory of when I had started doing research for a substack post last year (which post-call I decided I will return to finish again shortly) of which in-part included the origin of the condiment relish. Relish, deemed by many as the first “truly American condiment”, is believed to be derived from Indian chutneys. Chutney, introduced to the Americas by schooner captains traveling along the spice trade, was a valuable medium to adopt, since it allowed for the much needed preservation of fruits and vegetables in a fun & delicious spread.

All that to say, it’s really fun to know little histories of everyday items. Another fun tidbit for good measure: the Heinz company, after relish had really taken off in the 1850s, mass-produced a derivative called “Chow Chow”. Described as a southern born “catch all” relish recipe, Chow Chow has recorded recipes as far back as 1770 in South Carolina. Wow! Wrap that up in tin foil and take it home with you, my lovely followers! Til next time, oxoxox Tilly by @summersandwitches

We have just exited the 2026 Emmy’s Awards, and to no one’s surprise actor Matthew Rhys swept away all of us under his cheeky British Afghan rug. (I assume it’s Afghan, since he appears to be a man of taste, from what I can tell through the silver screen). ‘Widows Bay’ was phenomenal, which led Romeo and I to his other awarded work: The Beast in Me. Now that, that shocked me. And not in the way you may be thinking.

Before the premiere of the highly acclaimed series, I released a memoir titled “The Beast in Him: the tales and tribulations of dating a tickle monster”. Romeo has a side to him only few are privy to—a villainous side where is hands aren’t used to barista, but rather to induce torture. It wasn’t until 5 months into our relationship I realized that…what, what makes him flip to this monster…was of my own flesh and blood: A Tilly homemade sandwich. I had created my own demise.

As we watched “The Beast in Me”, I slowly realized I had been a victim of artistic highway robbery by Netflix studios. However, they failed to realize one thing: Me, Matilda? She won’t back down. by @summersandwitches

A common misconception about colorblindness (amongst the dumb) is that these individuals see in black and white. There are 7 main types of color blindness in humans, with seeing in black and white only accounting for one of them, “achromatosia”, while the rest vary in implications.

Dogs, cows and horses see blue and yellow spectrums, cats blue and green, rats mostly blue. I could go on but these are the only animals that got back to my emails.

Now, feel free to hold my hand when I say this, but even scientists get things wrong. And these missteps can cause real harm to innocent people. There is an 8th type of colorblindness. We. Exist.

My name is Matilda and I have ASCS. Acute Submarine Chromatic Syndrome. A condition where in which foods only appear to me in full color when they are perceived as a delicious sandwich.

J-Dawg, this prosciutto pesto panini is seen in its full chromatic wonder. Thank you. by @summersandwitches

As I have gotten to know Simon and Celeste, naturally as with all friends, you get a window into their being through sentimental, loca, funny and nostalgic anecdotes of childhood adventures. For example, the time Celeste pretended to drown at the local swimming pool to kiss the lifeguard. Or that time Simon used his last dollar to buy a chocolate bar, only to reveal a golden ticket that would take him and his pop-pop on the adventure of a lifetime. You know, just to name a few.

Well this birthday meal between our two lovebirds here reminded me of a story I nearly had forgotten. It stars young, sweet Celeste. When she was only 10 months old, she mustered that baby buck strength to take those first glorious steps. Her mother, screaming with glee opened her arms exclaiming “Yes yes! Come here honey!” As she watched her lil bubba walk across the carpet, she would soon be surprised that she wasn’t stomping over to her, but rather to the freshly platted, perfectly sauced pastrami Reuben, sitting on the coffee table.

Hearing this story, that’s when I knew: This kid gets it. Type. by @summersandwitches

“Paging Doctor Tuna.” It echoed around the sterile, fluorescent room. It shook me out of my endless gaze; I looked down to see my hands were so tightly clenched, my grown-out acrylic nails had left deep marks in my palms. How long had I been sitting here?

“Paging Doctor Tuna”. These three words reminded me what my bones always knew to be true: Something is not right here. Something, or someone, they, th-they smell… fishy. I hear footsteps. I shake my head and blink my eyes hard as the door opens.

“Hello, I’m Doctor Tuna.” I open my mouth to respond, but am soon cut off by the tall man with the bridge piercing. “And this,” he motions to a woman he reveals standing behind him, “this is Ms. Pickle.”

I lock eyes with the woman. Something is wrong. She diverts my glance.

“Matilda, I am going to cut to the chase.” Doctor Tuna sighs, sinks onto his rolly stool, and takes his blue light glasses dramatically off his face.

“The results are in. You have tested positive for Zachary’s Disease. And, and it’s terminal.”

He looks away, holding a deep silence. I am completely frozen. Only one thought enters my head: “My life is over.” by @summersandwitches

Pickathon Music Festival. “Pick a thong”. Easy joke, a pathetic layup. Puh te tick. We brought walkie talkies, we brought handcuffs, we brought love, but most of all we brought the hammer down on the festival’s dust. Dust busting isn’t for the weak. It’s for Doc, Oppenheimer, Sarge, Baby, Mouse, Trough and, of course, Ace. When God brings you black boogers, he leaves behind a burger to soothe your troubles. When God gives you a dustabusta shift at 8 am after a night of sinister drinking (and I mean the type of gluttony that is unbecoming of a lady),,,, God gives you a 3 hour shower wait line time. Uhhh… da fuq? :/ God wasn’t feeling generous that day 🫩

Ok whatever I’m rambling. Let’s just say that I love my sturdy crew so much it makes my heart hurt. I get in the general vicinity of Garrett and Carlie and I genuinely start tweaking. Visceral reactions of love. See you next year. by @summersandwitches

Listening to Slauson Malone 1, driving towards Chelan Cafe in West Seattle. In my dad’s RAV, with the mid-morning sun on our cheeks… it feels like we are flying. “Why walk when you could fly?” I exclaim at Romeo. He smiles and retorts “cuh! that’s what I’m saying!”

Well brace yourself. Here is a thing about blindfully and blissfully ordering potato salad & fries to spilt as the sides for your couple’s sandwich sampler: you are entering gut bomb city. Total annihilation—atomic style. My small intestine? Sailors knots. The fare? To enter gut bomb city? An afternoon of lethargic bubble tumm, accompanied by feeling so heavy, when you step on the sidewalk crack, you break your own back (you is a mama, remember?)

We picked ourselves up by our bootstraps and closed out the night with a bahn mi. Steak. Romeo wasn’t a fan of the food, but appreciated the flat screen playing the Storm game in the background. One of the players had Baja blast colored hair! I bet that cotton candy hair tasted better than the rubber boot they called a French baguette. Shrug. Bright side? Good company. In fact, the best. 🫂🐨💋 by @summersandwitches

-8/8/26- by @summersandwitches

Those who know me and those who know baby know that we were certified fresh for what felt like decades in college. Elite members on the Subway app, connoisseurs of the various discount codes and coupons. Today when galloping through the bounty of Loves Truck Stop, we turned the corner and stumbled upon the familiar smell of plastic bread and rubber meats, all marinating under fluorescent lights and slack-jawed Tacoma teens. Perfect. And what do you know, it’s 6” Tuna Tuesday! The best way to prep for a Pickathon bender. Wish us luck. by @summersandwitches