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Justine

@yujustine

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figuring it out a day at a time.
🌈🐶 @lucy_the_pittybull (1/14/2013 - 6/19/2022)
✌🏼USC Graduate alumna
🚐 @yvrsprinter

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it’s hard to believe that the earth has taken a full trip around the sun without Lu by our side. one year ago on June 19.

some days, it feels like a lifetime ago, but most days it still feels like it happened just yesterday. in the hours and days after we lost her, time truly felt like it had stopped, like the world had stopped spinning. but as angry as I was with the universe and everything around us moving on when we couldn’t, life continued on.

I find it difficult lately to put words to my emotions. In the past month or so leading up to this one year mark, I’ve felt more numb and perhaps disassociated. it’s almost as if my body has a physical grief memory. May and June will forever be difficult months for me — I tragically and suddenly lost a friend in May and a month and a half later, I lost Lu tragically and suddenly.

even as I write this, I find it difficult to pull together coherent thoughts. a jumble of feelings.

the pain has softened, but I’ve learned that it’ll never leave. I struggle with the idea of moving forward — part of me feels like I need to feel the sadness because my sadness represents how much love I had for Lu. even though I know this isn’t true, there are moments that I feel like if I can hold onto this sadness, then the memories of her will remain and I know she was truly real. there’s a guilt in not feeling more sad.

I feel the memories of her fading and it scares me. there are days that she doesn’t seem real, like she was a past life or something that I imagined. my therapist told me that I should write down our memories in a journal and I’ve struggled to do it.

but I know that she was real. and though the pain has softened, every now and then the grief hits me like a wall and the memories of her come flooding in. I know I won’t forget about her.

(continued in comments) by @yujustine

grief is a wild ride. some days are ok and some days hit you like a brick wall. we knew certain occasions would be difficult, like Christmas and her birthday, and today is another one of those that we are still figuring out how to get through.

today is Lu’s 10th Gotcha Day and never in my mind did I think that she wouldn’t be here to see her 10th Gotcha Day. in my mind she was going to live forever, or at least 15 years like we non-verbally agreed upon.

there are so many thoughts and feelings inside of me that I can’t get out so these photos and words are all I’ve got.

I still haven’t figured out this death/loss thing. It’s still a struggle most days. I read something recently that said, are you happy or are you just distracting from sadness, and it hit me hard. the last year has been hard beyond words. I’ve tried to move forward and find moments of happiness, but most of my day I’m realizing is just me trying to find a way to distract from my sadness.

there isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t think of Lu and there won’t ever be a day that goes by.

I’m so thankful to have shared those 9.5yrs with her and so thankful that somehow the universe plucked this little bug out of the cosmos and plopped her down in our arms.

everyday and always, I love you bug ❤️ by @yujustine

January 14, 2013 - June 19, 2022

Six weeks ago, we unexpectedly and suddenly lost the love, light, and joy of our life. To say she was our everything doesn't even begin to explain how important she was to us, how much love we still had left to give her, and how much life we still had to experience with her. She was our best friend, our travel partner, our bed snuggler, our moocher, our hiking buddy, our stick hunter, our best swimmer, our little explorer, a ball of energy, the biggest goof, and the absolute spark in our lives.

It has taken us this long to even write anything and I still can't find the right words to say it all. Death and loss of life is a horrible, shitty thing. I have never felt this much physical, emotional, and mental anguish and pain. The first few days were the hardest – I don't think I've ever cried that much or that often. Since then, grief has hit us in waves. Reminders of her are everywhere and the triggers are small, but powerful. It's a horrible feeling knowing that life goes on without her. You're grieving deeply and yet there are still moments of joy and life around us. I've experienced such a complex mix of emotions every single day – I'm feeling the deepest sadness I have ever felt and there is almost guilt in experiencing these fleeting moments of joy and laughter and even a smile.

Lucy passed away of suspected, undetected hemangiosarcoma, a cancer of the blood vessels. As you can imagine, a cancer of that type can travel. Though it typically appears in the liver and spleen, the doctors suspected it had travelled to her heart and formed a mass there. Within 48hrs of initial symptoms (symptoms that seemingly appeared to be THC toxicity, including nausea and vomiting and lethargy), our love was gone.

No one tells you how painful it will be to have the love of your life laying on a table, with your arm on her body, feeling her last few heartbeats she'll ever beat.

(Continued in comments) by @yujustine

One month of funemployment and I’m still trying to unlearn that feeling of needing to be somewhere and needing to be doing something and needing to accomplish something. Don’t get me wrong, having goals and things to do is important, but my body is still reactive/anxious/stressed with not having “something to do.”

But maybe this *is* doing something? The quiet, calm that I needed may not be the big, shiny thing people see. Maybe doing nothing IS the thing I need the most.

I’ve been getting out for longer walks lately. Even if I sleep in. Even if it’s late in the day. Even if I’m feeling down. I have to stop myself when my brain goes “how long will this take? do we have enough time? can I finish it in X mins?” I have nowhere to be but here! ❤️

And yes, this is just a seawall account now lol by @yujustine

I left my job.

It has been seven days since my last day at work. I feel relief, but also grief. I feel lighter, but also the weight of everything releasing. I feel joy, amidst the sadness. I’m not sure I’ve fully processed it yet and I’m not even sure I’ll have a coherent story here lol.

I don’t like saying that I quit because it sounds like I failed myself — I didn’t fail, I left because I actively chose myself. I chose my mental, emotional, and physical well-being above all else. There wasn’t any one reason I left. It was a combination of professional and personal reasons, but honestly a culmination of many things that just kept building and building over the last 9-12 months.

If I’m being really honest, I’m not sure the grief of 2022 ever left me, and I’ve carried it with me through the past few years. 2023 had a lot of joy, but it felt more like I was distracting myself from the heaviness and sadness. 2024 began to feel like an exhale, but then caregiving for both my parents through two very extensive surgeries felt like a gut punch just as I was scraping my way back up.

I’ve been to two funerals in the last eight months — one for my uncle and one for my grandpa. I have a “go-to” outfit now for funerals (though the shoes give me blisters). There’s something about not seeing someone for a long time and finally seeing their face again, but this time in a casket or taking their last breaths in their hospital bed. It broke me a little more.

And yet I went on with my days, feeling a little more numb and a little less like myself. Work ate away at my spirit a little more everyday too. Again, not because of any one reason, but it just became all the things. I felt stagnant. I felt dead inside. I couldn’t calm my nervous system. I had started to internalize the unspoken words and actions of others that I knew to not be true, but it felt true.

I’m not sure when that breaking point was, but the day I spoke it out into existence, I felt a weight off my shoulders. I slowly started choosing myself and I think the universe started to crack and the cracks slowly began to let the light in.
(continued in comments) by @yujustine

so proud of this guy for passing his PPL exam!! he took me up as his first passenger and it was SO cool, like mind blowing that he was flying us in a plane.

did I get a tad nauseous? yes.
did my nausea trigger some anxiety? you betcha 😅

needless to say we’ll be working on that and going on more practice (for me) flights before we do anything longer.

and yes, I just finally watched Top Gun: Maverick so this song has been playing in my head ever since 👨🏼‍✈️✈️ by @yujustine

April/May 2022 — Sunshine Coast | Egmont

our little bub. always down for a hike or a cidery visit 😬 and then of course naps in Sven in the ferry lineup. by @yujustine

April 2022 — Sunshine Coast | Egmont

birthday weekend trip up to Egmont in Sven! we camped one night in the forest and spent the rest snuggled in a cute cabin. by @yujustine

getting outside more, exploring more ❤️🐶 by @yujustine

our lil forest creature ❤️ by @yujustine

Feb 2022 — Tofino

forest walks & beach strolls in the sun. you’ll never take me away from this place! by @yujustine

Feb 2022 — Tofino

Lucy the Influencer. A behind-the-scenes look at how it’s done, but mostly how it’s not done 😆

oh yeah, and some epic winter sunsets. by @yujustine