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Rocky, the Third

@97rocky

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Dear Dame Tracey, @traceyeminstudio

I went to see your exhibition today at the Tate Modern, after begging my doctors to let me leave for a few hours.
I’m many things, a lot of the time I forget I’m an artist and just see myself as someone with debilitating depression but mostly over the past couple of years I’ve seen myself in a far more cruel light spending a lot of my time in hospitals, with horrible chronic pain, and like you with a bladder that doesn’t work, and for me too, needs removing.
I was asked by the women I was with, if seeing your work in person was almost too triggering for me to bare, I would like you to know it was, but in all of the ways I so needed it to be.
It felt like mourning with you, and in the same breath as your words, it wasn’t me that was crying, it was my soul.

What I came away feeling so inspired by wasn’t just the evidence of a woman who gained the recognition she so deserved in a male-dominated world. It was seeing a woman able to free herself from the prison we so regularly find ourselves in, of carrying the pain solely inside. Your work was a steadfast reminder that pain isn’t only something to push through and survive, it can also be released and given permission of somewhere to go outside of you. To witness your interview, to hear your words, to watch you dance, to see your embroidered pain, to sit in your bedroom, I walked into a museum thinking I would most certainly be moved, but really I came out changed.
The journey back to the hospital, I thought, would be filled with dread. Going back to looking at the same four walls, the tiny single bed, linked back up to my drip. I thought my mind would feel as hostile as my body once more.
But it didn’t. My mind felt ablaze with inspiration rather than just pain, and it hasn’t felt that way in so long.
I cannot wait to set myself free with creative expression. I feel I’ve given myself permission I once robbed myself of, to do it without shame. Thank you for your work, for your honesty, and for the courage you’ve given me to dare to create and share the same.
I’ll never forget today.
God, I can’t wait to get my hands on some paint. by @97rocky

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2 months ago

It’s good to be back taken in London, United Kingdom by @97rocky

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3 months ago

Was doing my best poses in case Leo dicap turned up, but then I remembered I’m too old for him :( by @97rocky

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5 months ago

3 days isn’t long enough for Bangkok by @97rocky

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5 months ago

Little flickers of beauty that I’m holding onto by @97rocky

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8 months ago

The nuances of life. Sending love from afar. 🩵 by @97rocky

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9 months ago

A little piece called Race to presence. A look into how disconnected my three components have been. Every day seems to be a school day out here that’s for sure. A lot of people come to Thailand for escapism, I came here to learn how to stop. Some days are easier than others and today came with clarity that has been missing for the past few. Getting out a depression hole would usually take me weeks. I’d feel like I’d be at the bottom of a well, waiting for someone to lower a rope. Slowly but surely, I’m fashioning my own ladder out of lessons, and finding my way out. Growth isn’t linear, I so wish fixing and rebuilding me was easy, but alas it isn’t. I still feel dedicated to the craft and the challenge none the less. Today I’m grateful for that. Peace n luv 🌺🥭🧡 taken in Rawai Beach Phuket by @97rocky

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a year ago

A glimpse into searching for the purpose in my existence. I wish I could properly encapsulate the epiphanies I’ve had, I wish I could capture the beauty I’ve witnessed, I wish I could save it in a bottle and return to it when needed. These moments of pure happiness, the waves of joy, crashing onto my once baron beach. I ride it, presently and with the enthusiasm that comes, knowing it could be my last.
Being submerged into the teachings of Buddhism, I had a somber lesson of knowing how much present i’d wasted. Thailand continues to nurse and mend my mind, body and spirit.
Missing my homies nonetheless 🌺
P.s. these are elderly, female, retired lumbar and circus elephants. They did not offer for tourists to ride them. The elephants were the first beings to not be put off by desperation. They sensed the love I was so eager to give. I spent what felt like a moment and forever, silently crying as they embraced me. I for sure will not forget them either. by @97rocky

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a year ago

A week of being in Thailand so far, and I’m remembering what peace feels like taken in Phuket, Thailand by @97rocky

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a year ago

A couple snaps before I start putting my thoughts to paper. Too much to sift through in that department. I’ve really been enjoying feeling the love for photography come back hard and fast. Sorry in advance for the regular spam. 4 days and I’ve understood parts of my brain more than I have in my entire adult life. Here’s to the next couple months. 🦋🩵🧚🏼 taken in Phuket, Thailand by @97rocky

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a year ago

TW: Depression, anxiety, mental health

I’ve poured a lot into these words. If you have a moment, I’d love for you to read them.

This is a very personal share, not for attention, but in the hope that it makes someone else feel less alone. I’ve always believed there’s no shame in needing help, yet learning to challenge that shame within ourselves is its own kind of mountain.

If you’re struggling with your mental health, with direction, with just existing some days, please feel free to message me. You don’t have to go through it alone. A problem shared really is a problem halved.

Be kind to yourself today. And if you can’t, let me be kind to you until you can.

- a thank you to my beautiful friends who have supported me through these extremely tough times, Sorcha, Seth, Lily, Joe, Becky, Tamia, Meg, Sadie, Libby, Lewis, Moses, The Richardson family. My beautiful parents, my beautiful nana, my beautiful auntie, my beautiful sister, my wonderful little baby Ollie. I wouldn’t be able to have the courage to do this without your love.

Lastly to note, the cub in this picture was in a sanctuary.

Lots of love 💗🦋✨🧚🏼🐘🌷🪷 by @97rocky

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a year ago

Life in the middle lane is just as good by @97rocky

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a year ago