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Il-ra • First-time Motherhood • Grief • Eldest Daughter •

@_ilra_

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• First-time mom at 42
• Self-learning motherhood as a motherless eldest daughter with ADHD

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Being a stay-at-home mother is damn hard. I remember when my sister was born, my mom went to a 'retreat' for a week or so. I was 10 and didn't understand why.

I assume it was post-partum depression or something like that because she dealt with A LOT of drama that time (y'all would never believe it all).

I can't imagine, now that I'm a mother myself, how she did it all by herself WITH a special needs child. She wasn't a SAHM but just dealing with all of that alone must've been so lonely and scary and uncertain.

I wish I could just ask her what she did to stay mentally present because the Lord alone knows!

Then again if my mom had her way, she'd probably be here helping me and singing him made-up songs...so I can brush my hair and tidy up a bit.

Because I'm seeing how easy it is to lose yourself in this season 💔❤️‍🩹 by @_ilra_

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9 days ago

My son will never know my mommy. It breaks my heart EVERY TIME I take a photo of him that there'll never be a selfie of them together or #grannysbaby in a post.

There'll never be a 'I'm just here to see my grandson' visit, or a 'come see what Granny got you' gift.

There's a deep sorrow and envy that creeps up when I see other mother's journeys 😞❤️‍🩹 a broadcast of what I don't have.

And the worst part is - there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I must accept it, and give it to God.
And I do, it's just so hard.

It's really hard not being able to share things with her, have her fly over and stay in the spare room until she decides when it's time to leave.

It's really hard not being able to tell her that his bottom teeth have started coming out and it's making him so fussy. That he wants to stand but not crawl and hates tummy time. That he looks like her on most days...🥺

It's really damn hard to focus on joy when grief loudly interrupts with 'look there - see what they/she/that baby has and you don't'...💔

#grief #griefjourney #mother #motherhood by @_ilra_

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a month ago

On her death bed, my mother could hardly speak. She saw me (not expecting me at all), and asked 'Hugh? Baby?'

She knew about two miscarriages and that I'd only tell her if I was 12 weeks along if we expected again. But I replied 'Hugh couldn't come with, mommy, and there's no baby'.

Who would've known that the baby she asked about 4 years ago, is now 4 months old born on the 14th day of the 4th month.

She would've loved him so much ❤️❤️‍🩹 by @_ilra_

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2 months ago

The photos that were picked for her funeral and all the death admin that came with it.

Still the hardest damn thing I've ever had to do.

It's been 4 years, but it feels like it just happened.

#motherlessdaughters #grief #motherdaughter #death #grieving by @_ilra_

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2 months ago

Our BABY!!! As first time parents at 42 & 45, I'm not sure if it's because of the wait or our age but you feel a kind of gratitude that only comes from knowing that you are literally living in a prayer ❤️

This child is an actual dream come true and a manifestation of collective prayer and faith...

Our Joah liefie, Mr Lekker Bekkie 🩵🩵🩵 I hope the people know by seeing you that God will give them what their hearts desire, in His time, and if it's aligned with His will 🙏🏾 taken in Hsinchu, Taiwan by @_ilra_

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2 months ago

This is LOVE! This girl and the people who continuously, without reward or recognition, keep showing up for her over and over ❤️🥺

I can text now with anything Häge needs and @sharonkouta and @micajackson25 are there to stand in for me and for my mom, in her heavenly capacity.

Ask me how I'll ever repay them, I can't tell you.
I'm not sure there'd be anything I can do to give to them what they keep giving me and my sister in the form of their love and support, both tangibly and spiritually.

I can only pray and ask God to bless them and keep them and make His face shine upon them ❤️ and hopefully someday, I can find a way to say thank you beyond just words. by @_ilra_

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3 months ago

At my mom's memorial in 2022, someone handed me this bag. My mom had knitted 2 jerseys for her baby and she wanted me to have it 🥺

My mom knitted so many jerseys for other people's babies...and I used to get so upset because my thinking was that they'll end up throwing them away.

I'm a VERY sentimental person and I like to hold into things that (I think) have meaning.

Tomorrow I'm going to open this packet and probably cry my eyes out. I hadn't fit it on Joah because he was born in Asia's long Summer...and it probably won't fit for long.

But, if it rains as is predicted, for the next few days, it'll be the only things he'll wear - in her memory.

From there on, I'll put it his baby memory box after howling at the heavens in bitter sadness 💔

PS. At this point, when my mom died, she knew of 2 miscarriages. Her former colleague who gave me the jerseys was unlikely to know. I had the courage to look at these tiny jerseys once and couldn't handle it. Even putting them one side at the bottom of my cupboard was me saying I can't deal.

I know I should've let him try it in sooner, I just wanted to keep it together for as long as I could and not completely lose my mind at the thought of my mom not ever having knit HIM something.

It's weird, I know and I can't explain it properly.... taken in Hsinchu, Taiwan by @_ilra_

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3 months ago

I've had this babygrow since 2021 when I fell pregnant in April that year. I still took a bicycle to buy it skelmpies to make up the announcement pack for Hugh.

In May 2021, at 7 weeks, we had our first miscarriage.

I don't know why I kept it, something just said I should.

Miscarriage after miscarriage, and (sjoe, now I'm crying), I still kept it.

And now, it almost fits my 12-week old son 🥺

Somebody must tell me there isn't a God and I'll show them this 🥺🙏🏾 Only thing I wish is that my mommy was here to see what we kept praying for... taken in Hsinchu, Taiwan by @_ilra_

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3 months ago

To my forever boyfriend, happy birthday! ❤️ taken in Hsinchu, Taiwan by @_ilra_

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4 months ago

5 years of waiting on God, and we finally have THIS 😩🙏🏾❤️ He's always been and will always be in the business of MIRACLES! taken in Hsinchu, Taiwan by @_ilra_

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5 months ago

My words fail what my heart tries to explain.

I look at this kid and I remember the first time I was allowed to hold him. He was 3 days old.

Rushed out of surgery with breathing concerns, they let me see him from a distance for a few seconds. Reports followed about his infection levels & breathing activity. They let me see him for 30 minutes a day for the first week of his life.

And that first week was horrible - the trenches were dug deep. To add, I had an allergic reaction to the epidural causing asthma attacks, spinal spasms and intense neck stiffness (they thought it was meningitis).

I thought I was dying. And down the hall, Joah was on machines helping him breathe.

So many prayers went up for me and Joah. So many prayer groups came together and said our names.

I missed my mother so much because I was so scared - for both of us. It was an incredibly lonely experience.

But by God's mercy, we pulled through...and a month later, I find myself still very emotional looking at this small person in my arms.

I know not many people will care but I can't not keep thanking God for His help, His Hand and for answering appeals to get us back to health so we can start this new life He has designed and planned for us.

I will always be grateful... 🤎🙏🏾 taken in Hsinchu, Taiwan by @_ilra_

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5 months ago

Welcoming 40 weeks, in my mommy's dress because as much as I'm carrying immense joy I'm also breathing through heavy grief.

And that's okay because The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

I'll understand it all someday, I'm sure.
For now, I hope mommygirl is getting daily updates of her upcoming grandson...

🙏🏾 taken in Hsinchu, Taiwan by @_ilra_

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6 months ago