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madi velez 🏹

@_madisonvelez_

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23 🫶🏻 north and south nj 🫧
🇵🇷 & 🇮🇹
🕯roland🕊
on a self-healing journey🪴

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four whole years

it’s been four years since my dad died. for every milestone that passes—like his birthday or father’s day—i typically try to make something in his memory using photos and videos, just to acknowledge that he was here and present.
this year, i felt as though i needed to be vulnerable about how my grief journey has actually been. for this milestone in particular, the four-year anniversary, and the time leading up to it, i’ve been at my lowest point so far. i have been so emotionally exhausted and a crying mess these past two weeks leading up to today, which doesn’t make sense to me—shouldn’t it be easier by now?
today, i needed to be honest about how much i am still struggling. i was even scared to make this post because i was worried about what people would think, given that it’s his anniversary and he’s not really in it. it’s not a positive post either, but i didn’t want it to have a happy ending or reach a neat resolution, because that’s not how grief works. this is not about the person he was; this is about his absence.
everyone will tell you that grief is not linear and that managing it gets easier as time goes on. i don’t disagree with that, but i wasn’t prepared for how disillusioning it is to experience a loss so significant. before my dad died, i had a completely different perspective on life. now, my heart sinks every time i get an unprompted phone call from a family member, and i prepare myself for the absolute worst. i have trouble falling asleep because i’m scared something will happen and i won’t be here tomorrow, putting my family through even more pain.
his absence is still very present and looming in the background, even after four years. every single milestone i experience in my life will forever be a gamble of whether or not it will trigger my grief, no matter how far along i am. i accept that my dad is no longer with us, but only because i have to—there’s no other choice. this is the reality of grief.

#grief #griefandloss #griefjourney #griefsupport by @_madisonvelez_

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a month ago

i am not afraid to keep on living 🥀 #mcr #mychemicalromance #longlivetheblackparade #mcrtour #welcometotheblackparade taken in Citi Field - Mets Stadium by @_madisonvelez_

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2 months ago

in rainbows 🌈 by @_madisonvelez_

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4 months ago

one year with julian 🫶🏻🫀

before you, i had spent so many countless nights wishing that i would find someone like you. all i wanted was to find someone who would love me the way that i was unconditionally: all the cracks and the quirks, the good and the grief. i had gotten to a point where i just gave up on finding a person who could genuinely love me. i knew i would eventually find someone along the way, but i never had expected to find the person i had dreamed of literally living in the same house.

i still think back at the very beginning and the butterflies i had in my stomach when we first acknowledged our feelings for each other. i was so terrified and excited at the same time, and it’s funny to think about how far we’ve come since then. from our vacation to PR to just making each other laugh at home, i couldn’t and wouldn’t ask for anything different. i love how much you make me laugh and how you always find new ways to surprise me. i love that i can be my complete and honest self around you without having to worry about scaring you away. you let me just be me and even embrace it, sometimes by matching my energy or even doubling it. thank you for being the most supportive, loving, silly and goofy, nonjudgmental and patient partner. i love you ❤️

(also shoutout marley drew and owen 🙌) #andtheywereroommates by @_madisonvelez_

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a year ago

missing the MSC cruise right now ☀️🌴🌊 (despite the sea sickness)
i’ve been meaning to post these for a while (oops) but now is a better time than never! this trip was so much fun and i’m grateful to have made so many memories with both my family and with the new friends i had made along the trip! a lovely trip centered around togetherness and being trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean with nowhere to go had absolutely nothing to do with it ❤️ (obviously) by @_madisonvelez_

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a year ago

a long awaited video from our 15hr road trip to Metropolis, IL to celebrate dad’s 50th birthday. it seemed really fitting to post it today on his 3 year anniversary. i had told my mom that i was planning to do a solo trip to metropolis to honor my promise to him, but that i’d also love if we went as a family. it ended up being not that great, including driving through middle of nowhere kentucky in the dark, actual bugs, a town-wide power outage, and many other little incidents. but despite all that, it was honestly a beautiful and sentimental trip.

as these years go on without him, the grief hasn’t been in the foreground as much. it’s still there, but not as present. i miss him a lot still. i think about all of the milestones he will miss, and the memories that i have with him that have become more and more distant and most likely forgotten with time. and it’s okay. i’m learning to be okay with it. i hope to keep his memory alive as long and as well as i can.

we miss you, dad. ❤️⭐️💙 by @_madisonvelez_

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a year ago

dr nature wissahickon schiman, M.D. called the other day and i answered 🪨📞 taken in Wissahickon Park by @_madisonvelez_

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a year ago

my love letter to pr 💌🏝️🇵🇷
this trip was absolutely lovely. it was so special to be able to see some of my extended family over in Ponce and it was also an absolute pleasure and honor to meet Julian’s family in Vieques. already planning my next trip back to Puerto Rico 💙❤️ taken in Puerto Rico by @_madisonvelez_

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a year ago

im a watermelon slammed into your driveway by @_madisonvelez_

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2 years ago

22nd with 227 🥂👾✨ #andtheywereroommates taken in Fishtown by @_madisonvelez_

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2 years ago

sagittarius season photo dump! :3
🏹🫶🏻🐡🫧 by @_madisonvelez_

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2 years ago

IN CONTROLLLL 👹🥁💥🎶 by @_madisonvelez_

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2 years ago