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Samm Baggs/U-Lock

@_notacop420

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𝑎⃪ 𝐵⃪𝑢⃪𝑓⃪𝑓⃪𝑎⃪𝑙⃪𝑒⃪𝑏⃪𝑟⃪𝑖⃪𝑡⃪𝑦⃪
🎧🎵👽: @u_lockdj
🌲🌳𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕝𝕦𝕥🌵🌴
Շгคשєгรเภﻮ Շђг๏ยﻮђ ๔ץรՇ๏קเค
📸🐀:@millionsofdeadrats

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The Girl Who Cried Good Grief

These last 12 months have been a time of tremendous loss, dotted with deep reflection, grounding, processing, and releasing.

I ended my relationship.
Two of my good friends and important humans in my community were murdered.
Many other significant losses to the community (human and otherwise) occurred.
I lived in squalor and disappointment for months.
I lost my job and access to constant road travel that had been keeping me sane and afloat the last five years, the longest I've ever held the same job.

Those are just my personal afflictions, in addition to myriad daily horrors from the current state of life on this prison planet.
There have been some good moments.
I'm excellent at looking for gratitude wherever I can, but it's been rough.

Melancholia has always been a part of who I am at my core, with anguish exuding my being.
I believe I was put here to long for deep connection but never achieve it.
That yearning is what fuels me, though often painful.

As a lovesick adolescent, I coined the term "emotional masochist" to describe myself.

I'd sit with the raw physical feelings of a tight throat, pitted stomach, and chills after a bout of abandonment or rejection.
It didn't feel good, but it was real.
I'd never really felt "real" myself, so maybe those feelings awakened me to true humanity after being alien to it for so long.

As I settle into my 30s, I feel the pensive longing more than ever, but with this sense of understanding around it, since I am now fairly formed. And I'm deciding that i need to lean into it more than ever.

One might think, "could she be more sad than she has been these last few years?"
I guess we're going to find out.

I'm looking forward to deeper processing of all the loss I've endured throughout my existance.
By working with what I know and am most familiar with (grief), I hope to load this heart, which was born broken, into a catapult of creative release that I desperately need.
We'll see what that looks like.

So I'm going to traverse the depths yet again, and do so unapologetically and a little selfishly.
Because I can not continue to pour from a broken vessel. taken in Buffalo, New York by @_notacop420

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9 months ago

Sooo much gratitude to @lotusinstagram for including me on the New England leg of their newest album's release tour!
🪩
How To Dream In Color is an ethereal beauty filled with soundscapes that will catapult you into other realms.
Come experience it live! taken in LOTUS Vibes by @_notacop420

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2 years ago

it's Mickey's birthday. I never shared this writing I toyed with after Mickey and Jordan's murder, so here it is.

part of what has made this loss so difficult is the change in an aspect of Buffalo that has been alluring to many. the communities that exist here are an overlapping, multi-venn diagram of people. the queer scene, cycling scene, punk scene, activist scene, underground dance scene, avant garde art makers, food/bar industry, etc. not everyone who exists in one exists in all of them, but many of us do.

and so, at this moment, there are now multiple communities suffering two ineffable losses simultaneously. we have all lost many loved ones over the years in our respective circles, but this kind of multi-community loss doesn't happen often. People so ingrained in the vast pockets of a what makes a city interesting and real being taken so suddenly will certainly create a rift. but let us not forget that those corners that they occupied were spaces that were carved out by them along with others in the scene with the same vision. now it's up to who's left here to keep these communities open for those who can contribute positively and maintain them for future generations.

Mickey, in the short ten years we knew each other, you helped make me comfortable in many of the spaces that I still tread in today. I've never been one for friend groups; always on the inner/outer circle of deeper connection.
anxiety tells me that no one really likes me, but I've never felt that with you.
in fact, your presence in my life has helped me to push through those negative thoughts to attempt connections.
thank you for that, and for all of your support and love over the years.
I'll be grateful to you forever, and I'll keep your memory alive by living as authentically as possible every day.
✨️
Happy birthday, love. by @_notacop420

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a year ago

we didn't deserve you, Larry.

I'm still processing this loss and words are harder to come by these days with everything crumbling around us.

I remember when your health was failing more during the most recent presidential election and you jokingly would say how you wouldn't be around to see the orange idiot do more damage. When he won, I just knew you wouldn't get out that easily lol. I am sorry you had to see any of the downward sprial of this country, but I'm grateful for the extra time the universe gave us with you, seemingly out of spite.

oh Lorenz, my SET protégé. I'm so glad you took to that game. It was my escape from others while waiting to play pool during the new hours long wait at the Pub since the other haunts in Buffalo had either burned or changed hours.

I was happy to teach people who were intrigued, but mainly wanted to play alone. I taught you the game and you made it your mission to teach anyone who would listen. My escape was your connection to others, while maybe also being a distraction from your pain. I'm honored to have provided that to you in your last year.

Thanks for being my friend all these years, and for making sure we made time for each other towards the end there. I was super depressed while stuck at home last year between gigs, but in retrospect I'll always be grateful for the time it gave us together. Late night and early morning chats. Bevs and bowls. Love all around.

Rest easy now. and trust, we'll take care of this bullshit in your honor. by @_notacop420

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6 days ago

My view on the train ride through the Sacred Valley of Peru, Ollantaytambo to Aguas Calientes, 2016 by @_notacop420

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23 days ago

Big ol' thank you to @lotusinstagram @opusoneprod and @nelsonledgesquarry for having me back at Summerdance this year!
🛸
Shout out to all the crew and staff, @casual_hand and and Spaghetti Party squad, Kittens Krew, and everyone who made it out to an early Saturday set! Thank you, Luke, for gracing us with a @luketheknifepics set on Sunday night!
👽
This was a Summerdance for the books. Deepest thank yous to anyone who came up to me over the weekend to hype me up in any capacity. There was a point where I really needed that and I'm beyond grateful for you all.
🫂
It was great to get back behind the decks after three months off. Not sure what the future holds right now, but I will keep last weekend near to my heart for a long time
🖤
thank you for the incredible photos @photosbychandlersturgeon
and @will_thompson143 and @blair_grillz for the clippies 💋✨️ taken in Nelson Ledges Quarry Park by @_notacop420

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a month ago

“Where words fail, music speaks.”
One night only, U-lock is back in town!
Come welcome her back and dance to the sounds of her and our good friends Kincize and DJ liquid T (western PA)
@u_lockdj @kincize.ofc @rumad_2025

Saturday, August 29th- $10
10pm-Close @thegypsyparlor
Sound curated by @n3wttron
#dancemusic #housemusic #edm #buffalony taken in TheGypsyParlor by @_notacop420

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2 months ago

I love my little nook

#nooklife #vanlife taken in Stanislaus National Forest by @_notacop420

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3 months ago

I've been listening to music that I play out while I've been here, but just through headphones to keep it fresh as I prep for Summerdance without the ability to actually spin.

there's a loft space that we use for events, but it often sits empty so I grabbed the key for a lil solo dance party.

needed this.

#disclosure #dance by @_notacop420

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4 months ago

trying words in a new format.
lil post-o-gratitude.
🙏🏾
still can't believe I'm living and working out here
🌲
thank you to all who had part in my development 🖤 taken in Stanislaus National Forest by @_notacop420

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4 months ago

Over the moon with gratitude to announce I'm back on the Summerdance lineup this year!
🎉
Will be a lovely home coming after three months of bartending in the Sierra Nevada.

Come let loose and shake shit off with us at the Nelson Ledges this Labor Day weekend!
👽
Tickets available in bio.
See ya on the beach and in the woods! by @_notacop420

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5 months ago

Rochester! I'll be playing some tunes at Bug Jar following the Lotus show at Anthology next weekend!
🐛
4/12, 11PM
Come groove with me after the show
💃🏾👽
flyer by @dimxreaper taken in Bug Jar by @_notacop420

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7 months ago