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twin

@_uglymann

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it’s me [alex], unfortunately. So please enjoy the ride.
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I promise I said it right then by @_uglymann

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2 years ago

funny as heck but cannot be left unsupervised by @_uglymann

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2 years ago

I only look good in MY pictures for a reason 😭 by @_uglymann

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2 years ago

Bro I’m such a lost soul. And like… I mean that in the literal AND metaphysical sense. I get lost so easily that I ought to be put on a list. Hell I might even get lost that mf too. I’d get lost on a one-way street. I’d lose my mind, marble, roots, and way to bathroom. I can’t keep living like this. Someone please put me on a leash. A VERY TIGHT LEASH. Every time I go out with someone they have to develop at least 3, yes , THREE, contingency plans just in case I decide to fricking evaporate for whatever reason. Even holding my hand would keep me secure. Turn your head for a second and BOOM: I’m disconnected at the wrist. You must wonder: “Hey Twin, what’s going through your head when you navigate? Do you not know your left from right??” Gang member, the way clearly does not know ME. Me and directions are just compatible. I can take the correct path and still end up on the one less traveled by. Bro I couldn’t even follow MY HEART if I wanted to. It’s like left and right are mere theories to me man I can’t explain it. People be like “ayo where Twin at?” My brother in strife Twin just discovered the bridge to Terabithia. He’s won’t be here anytime soon. I dead ass got lost coming out the womb at birth. They found me at Chili’s I kid you not. Oh woe is me.

Yesterday was my birthday btw. by @_uglymann

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8 days ago

I think a true testament to the human condition is being placed in an environment where nobody shares your sense of humor. It literally bares the chest of hubris. You may be known as Mr. Funny Guy to many, but to others you’re Mr. WTF-is-he-on-about. It’s wicked. It’s humbling. Sometimes I find myself as a niche reaction pic drowning in a sea of gif keyboard warriors. And that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

I still remember the palpable feeling of embarrassment after I dropped some brow-raising one-liners as the new comer in a groupchat. There were so many times where my humor was unrequited. And by that I mean left unread by the entirety of chat. Not even a reaction. Nary a “HAHA” or sympathetic “👍” . They’ll just move on after days of no activity, talking bout “Hey, you guys want some chipotle?” Like you mean to tell me that ain’t tickle your fancy? It ain’t even rub it a little? In my old gc I would’ve done numbers. NUMBERS I TELL YOU. I be feeling like “damn, I gotta get the band back together” oh woe is me. I don’t think I’m the world’s best jester by any means but damn twin that’s ROUGH. Damn near abrasive. Eventually I’d learn my crowd and adapt. But it’s something about those moments that puts my life in jeopardy. by @_uglymann

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21 days ago

Ladies, gentlemen, and benevolent non-binaries of the jury, it is within my best interests that I make the following disclaimer: I can talk. Like a lot. Despite being heavily introverted I can out TALK the WALK. It perplexes the medical community. I know I may come off as the strong silent type but sadly that idea is quite literally redlined from the truth. My truth. I am loquacious. A motor mouth. I’m a mute’s antithesis. I’m so serious. I’m not one of those self proclaimed quirky yappers. I’m a literal threat to spoken language. I make generous contributions to the word bank. I talk in yada-yada. I speak fluent etcetera. I’m the bridge between noise pollution and warm conversations. To know me is to hear me, and if you know me well, you WILL hear me often.

The other day I was having what I thought was a warm and friendly conversation with a friend. I thought it was going well til I realized my homegirl made a face of disgust. In my head I’m like “dang girl you look just like your damn daddy wth”. Being the empath that I am, I hit pause on my dialogue and ask what’s wrong. This ambitious bastard says “Nothing. You just talk a lot.” I then realized that I was talking so long that I damn near forgot the sound of HER VOICE. This wasn’t a conversation. I created a hostage situation. I was sitting there happily running my little muffin muncher and I completely forgot to let her speak. I wasn’t cutting her off or anything. I was answering a question but I just never stopped. I got carried away y’all. I just get so invested in the idea of a conversation sometimes bro idk. It’s like social limerence. People sharing their thoughts with me, and I’m doing the same and it’s just so fun. I need help bro. I ought to be muzzled. Oh woe is me. by @_uglymann

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a month ago

and they were scared by @_uglymann

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2 months ago

I’m gonna keep it a buck y’all, add tax, but I’m so envious of people with a good working memory because man, I have the memory of a malnourished guinea pig. My hard drive is soft as FRICK bro. I am such a poor historian. Don’t get me wrong, every now and then I have perfect recall but more often than not I’d even forget my brother’s last name. It really gets sweaty and awkward when people remember me but I can’t even recognize if they’re even human dawg. Oh woe is me. Like the other day I went to a wedding and it was totally tubular and what not but at one point I get approached by this geriatric supreme. (Jk, that man was probably in his 50s). He comes up to me all familiar and friendly like and says “Don’t you remember me?” I’m thinking to myself: “Hold up, is that BEYONCÉ???”. Like I apologize og but, yea, stranger danger. He’s like a foot away from me trying to explain his role in my story and what not but I could not help but notice that man’s breath was HOT as the dickens man. He damn near sanitized my nostrils with every syllable and he had some incredible enunciation. Oh woe is me (x2) I was suffering. I’m trying to recall and recollect but his breath was causing me to withdraw and redirect. I smelt nothing but what the Rock was cooking. Anywho, he kept going on even though I said I don’t remember him. Just spewing straight toxins into our atmosphere. It was awkward. It was stinking. It was stinking awkward. I really am sorry though, he seemed cool. by @_uglymann

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3 months ago

I remember one year in elementary school, we were celebrating Valentine’s Day and our teacher gave us the opportunity to exchange cards and candy with everyone in the class. Now ladies and gentlemen of the jury, for me this was an opportunity veiled in gold. My young preadolescent heart had a little crush on this one girl, let’s dub thee Agnes. Now Agnes, she was something special. She was pretty, independent, and she pronounced her A’s in a fashion that tickled my fancy. She made my young heart flutter—no she made that mf out pizza the hut I kid you not. I made an extra special card with a likkle chocolate that I was gonna give to Agnes. I wrote “do you lik me can we be bf and gf?”. (My diction was below grade level at the time so pls chill on me.) Anywho, I decided that this was gonna be my time to shoot my shot, straight green beam that mf. My brethren in strife, my sisters in peril, it wasn’t my ball to begin with. Here enters someone we’re gonna call Gerald. Gerald was cool or whatever but he decided that he too, like our merry little Agnes. Fast forward to love’s rendezvous, I walk up to Agnes nervous as heck, palms all drizzy like Drake, and gave her a card (we had to give everyone a card but her’s was special). But then here goes Gerald, this little rambunctious reject, walks up and says “hey Agnes, I like you. can you be my girlfriend”. Like??? I know gang can’t read a book, let alone a room. But then get this, Agnes starts GIGGLING. What are we laughing at where’s the punchline? Who tickling you? Where are your eyes LOOK AT ME. PUH-LEASE. You wanna know what made me clinically insane that day??? She says YES. Dawg I almost yodeled . The real nail in the coffin is that Gerald, this pediatric conundrum, starts dancing! Just doing a little celebratory jig!! I WAS DISTRAUGHT DESTROYED DEFUNDED. I hated Valentine’s Day and Virgos ever since then smh. She wasn’t a Virgo tho. by @_uglymann

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3 months ago

Y’all, I want to marry this sandwich—no. I want more than that.
Everything I do will be for the worth of this sandwich.
I want to watch this sandwich achieve their goals, live their dreams, create, grow, flourish.
I want to chase the pure ecstasy that is every morsel of this here sandwich.
I want to put this sandwich on the pedestal, the top of the list, the front of my mind, the bottom of my heart.
In a world of ingenuity, even the most sophisticated ideas pales in comparison to this sandwich.
My heart beats a fine tune of limerence orchestrated by this sandwich.
In a world ruled by hedonism, satisfaction in its purest is represented by the final bite of this sandwich. Dawg it was so good. by @_uglymann

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4 months ago

Please don’t let me look foolish by @_uglymann

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4 months ago

I’m in great shape today. by @_uglymann

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5 months ago