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Christi-An Bowler

@accordingtocab

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hi!! i’m cab 💁🏼‍♀️🚕
sbux barista ➡️ business owner
📲 helping women make $$ from wifi while having the best skin of their life! 🫒

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miss you so much, dad. 🤟🏼

#grief #twloha #dadsgirl by @accordingtocab

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6 months ago

@olivedaofficial x @voguemagazine in 20 slides ✨

#LA #abbotkinney #vogue by @accordingtocab

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6 months ago

Part 2 🫒💛

#olivetreepeoplemarch by @accordingtocab

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7 months ago

🤷🏼‍♀️

I tease cause humour is a coping mechanism but the truth is I got this tattoo in his handwriting. it says love.

see, my dad died by suicide and a bit after he died I came across a non profit called to write love on her arms where part of their founding story is about a girl (who survived) and a key line in her story she shared is:

“We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don’t get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won’t solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we’re called home.”

I fell in love with the raw honesty of it. For awhile in September I’d write “love” on my arm in awareness of suicide and then one day I decided I wanted my dad’s handwriting permanently on my arm.

Suicide sucks. I’ve got a lot of thoughts on “prevention” and “awareness” and all the things and this statement I felt encompassed the complexity of the both/and of it all.

When I got it, my tattoo artist actually told me she wanted to do it for me for free once she heard my story behind it, cause she had just lost a friend to suicide as well. We connected that day both being in a club we didn’t ask to be in.

Love you dad. ♥️❤️‍🩹

#grieftalk #twloha #suicideawareness #tattoostory by @accordingtocab

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22 days ago

I think it’s one of the hardest parts of grief…

How the world keeps spinning, but you will always wish they were here to experience it with you.

Miss you so much, dad. 17 years later and I love ya MORE! ♥️

#griefandloss #lossofaparent #deaddadclub #suicidesucks by @accordingtocab

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23 days ago

if I’m being honest, there’s more bad that day than good that I’ll never forget, but her sitting with me on that couch for hours…that meant the world to me.

I wish I could hug her again and tell her thank you but she’s now also up in heaven with my dad. 🫶🏼

if you’ve been through loss, what is something someone did for you that meant the world?

#grieftalk #suicidepreventionmonth #griefcommunity #griefandhealing #deaddadsclub by @accordingtocab

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25 days ago

you don’t ever get “over it” but over time you realize two things can be true at once. you can carry deep pain and still experience joy. humans are wired to feel overlapping emotions at one time.

grief will never end but you can make space for joy & honestly, that’s on LOVE. 🥹❤️‍🩹

#griefawareness #deaddadsclub #suicidelosssurvivor #griefandjoy taken in Toronto Ontario Canada by @accordingtocab

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a month ago

all the anger…
denial.
sadness.
exhaustion.
loneliness.
guilt.
shame.
and FOG…
so. much. fog

Grief is no joke and if I could go back and tell younger cab anything (or you if you’re on this journey right now ♥️), here’s a few things id tell her…

You feel crazy and you feel broken but you are neither of those things. Your body and brain are working overtime to simply survive and you WILL survive. I promise, you’re going to be ok but it’s gonna take time.

Go easy on yourself. Who told you have to rush? Take your time. You can’t do this grief thing wrong. There isn’t a playbook even if ppl try to tell ya there is.

Set the bar for yourself LOW. It’s ok. It’s gonna be real messy and that’s ok. In fact, it’s necessary. You feel alone but you’re not. I promise you’re not.

I’d tell her if you wanna talk and share about your dad, do it. If you don’t want to, then don’t but don’t let anyone else make that decision for you.

People are humans and they’re gonna fail you and that’s gonna hurt a lot, but Jesus won’t ever fail you. He can handle all of it. All of the brokenness, confusion, hurt, anger. He can handle it.

& last, you’re doing so much better than you even realize and I’m super proud of you. 🫶🏼

#griefawareness #stagesofgrief #deaddadsclub #suicidepreventionmonth by @accordingtocab

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a month ago

can I tell you something?

I have notes on notes on notes in my phone about “griefy stuff”…journal entries (but more a dump journal??) if you will and if it’s cool with you, it’s time I wanna start sharing some of it. maybe even a lot of it? 🤷🏼‍♀️

but also…
can i tell ya something else?
it scares me. like a lot. 😬

this isn’t just ripping off a bandaid of sharing a video to social media (which was also scary the first time!) or posting about skincare…this feels not just personal but more sacred for lack of thinking of a better word.

see, 3 months after my dad suddenly died by suicide I was told by one of his friends (literally one of his pallbearers) to stop sharing about him on social media. 2026 cab wouldn’t listen but 2009 cab?! she grew up in an environment where you listened, obeyed and didn’t ask questions…the last thing I wanted was to make someone uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do so just did as I was told...

…until I didn’t anymore 😅

thanks to my dad’s death and all the moving pieces I started to ask WHY…the skeptic in me was unleashed. for that, I thank you dad. ♥️

too much to share in one post all the things soooo if you’re cool with it, let’s slowly unlock the me who has always been there, but hasn’t been brave enough to share.

cool? love ya!! 🫶🏼

#griefawareness #lossofalovedone #suicideawarness by @accordingtocab

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a month ago

summer 2026, you were a good one…
in denial you’re over but looking forward to what God has planned for the end of 2026!! let’s go!!! 😍 by @accordingtocab

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a month ago

truthfully I struggle with the word “prevention”. it’s not that I don’t want to prevent it. of course I do!! but as a girl who lost her dad to suicide…I guess I feel triggered by it? 😭 Maybe a little guilty? Because how didn’t I know?! Is there something more I could have done or said? Why didn’t I go to his house that night before he died to say hi?! Would that have changed his mind?

Here’s the thing. NEVER IN A MILLION years did I think my strong, charismatic…the person I called whenever I needed advice cause he always knew what to do would kill himself…

I mean it never. entered. my. brain.

& I guess prevention feels challenging to me cause duhhh I would’ve done everything in my power to stop him.

…maybe another out there will also understand this whole thing is “mixed” in my mind.

Two things can be true at once.
Prevention matters. Loving people, noticing the signs, helping people matters.

But also maybe someone out there who is also a victim to suicide loss needs to hear that you are not responsible for the decision someone else made. Their death is not proof that you didn’t love them enough, notice enough, ask enough or do enough.

Thing is, this topic is very complex. Maybe there is a way we can talk about multiple truths at once. ♥️

#suicideawarenessmonth #suicidepreventionmonth #griefawareness #loveyoudad by @accordingtocab

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a month ago

this therapy sucks I’ll tell ya that! 🤪

happy birthday, dad!! can’t wait to squeeze you in heaven one day! ♥️

🤟🏼 love you forever.

#griefawareness #parentloss #lossofalovedone #deaddadsclub by @accordingtocab

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2 months ago