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Sanari

@almondjoy_6

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You’ve officially been gone longer than you were here and I think I’ve officially run out of footage… just another harsh reality to face and another layer to grief

Grief….
honestly the hardest part of this journey has been what it’s done to my faith.
whew…
It’s been having to tell the story and recant the 3 days prior and entire emergency room visit detail by detail several times a week because every trip is a new crew and the kid question ALWAYS comes up. Most times (now) I can say I have 2- 4.5 and 7 months but without fail, at some point during the trip, you come up in conversation and people genuinely want to know what happened… usually with a broken hearted look & tears in their eyes 😔. So I tell your story.

It’s telling your story & in the same breath still giving glory to God for giving me strength unimaginable

It’s getting hit after hit after hit and having to literally write down my blessings to remind myself I’m not cursed.

It’s attending one of the best concerts (maverick City/ Kirk Franklin) & singing all of the lyrics even though I can’t feel them. Legit praying so hard between every song for God to let the rain fall, to be filled, to just feel his presence like I used to

It’s trying to surround myself with women/couples who are full of the spirit hoping it’ll reignite something in me

It’s praying to God daily for a revelation & coming across 1kings17:18 in my Bible study thinking 🤯 this is it. This is about to bless me only get to 21-23 and feeling anger like whyyy would you bring me here? What am I to get from this? Now for the first time in 2 years, i’m having thoughts of was the 2hrs50 min of praying, believing and begging for my miracle not long enough?? Should I have continued to hold your lifeless body refusing to leave until God showed up?!?! Like really, how am I to process this?

It’s unfamiliar, It’s hard. It’s defeating. It.is.HARD. And emotionally I’m ok. Spiritually, I am not. But that’s how I know he’s not finished. He’s not done til it’s good…
right?! 👀 eavesdrops on the plans for us please lol
Miss you, love you ❤️ #ZeusElijah #griefjourney #61520 #lifeafterloss #theREAL #myuglytruth #taboosubjects #dancinginthesky by @almondjoy_6

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4 years ago

I felt this audio in my SOUL you hear me
Truth is I’m TIED….(Tamela Mann’s voice)
A few weeks ago, my coworker mentioned that walking in the grass barefoot was therapeutic & grounding. Another chimed in that doing it in the rain was as if God was washing her & everything was rolling off and into the ground. So of course I wanted to try it 🤷🏾‍♀️. Rain was in the forecast like every day but had not rained where I was. This day, I saw it was forecasted to start in 43 min so I prayed it actually would. When it did, I seized the opportunity. Sim joined me and began to recite Psalm 23
(Peep him tapping me on my back so I can chime in lol. He also doesn’t know I was vlogging🤫)
We sat in it for a minute & really tried to feel God’s presence then I started to “perfect” the moment (which I have a REAL problem doing). “I wish it were raining harder” “I wish I had some worship music playing”
Sim: You literally just asked for it to rain so you could walk in the grass barefoot and now it’s raining & you are doing EXACTLY what you wanted but it’s not enough. Just live in and enjoy the right now Shug instead of always trying to make it better/perfect
😳🫣 guess he toooldd me 🤣

💡 “The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me” It’s not my job to make every situation perfect and it’s time I become intentional about letting God do what he promised. I turned in my 2 weeks notice lol

So this here is not only an account of a low time in our journey & a part of our testimony, it is also my reminder to be present in the moment and allow God to do the perfecting. A charge to live on purpose and acknowledge even the smallest victories & blessings while we wait.

I’m tired for sure but grateful that he gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. (Isaiah 40:29 ). It’s clearly all him cuz bay👏🏾 bayyy 😮‍💨

Out of characters lol but I’ll drop in the comments a few more 💡scriptures. Feel free to share any that come to mind or even ones you’re holding on to in this season ❤️ by @almondjoy_6

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4 years ago

Throughout the grieving process, my biggest fear has been forgetting you. People often try to immediately pacify that as if the thought is insane…
I mean of course, I will NEVER EVER forget you existed but the gut wrenching reality is memories do fade. Not to mention mom/pregnancy brain or the memory fog that comes with the newborn zombie days especially raising two under two 😰… Knowing that no matter how hard we try, over time, the little details slip away from our grasp and we’re left with only photos and videos to help recall the most precious moments is definitely one of the hardest parts for us as parents. It makes the realness of your absence that much harder to accept. I replay the video of you saying “ma-ma” over and over again hoping to never forget the way you called my name. I obsess over the many videos of you & Zion’s interactions hoping she’ll always remember the bond you two shared. I stare at photos we have of you around the house often hoping to feel your presence just once more or that you’ll visit me with a sign that you’re ok. I reference you in conversation as often as the opportunity presents itself which is like daily (stranger or not 🤷🏾‍♀️) We’re holding on to you baby boy with every ounce of our being & promise that in all that life brings, we’ll figure out a way to keep your memory alive 💙

Happy National Son’s Day
Zeus Elijah 5/21/19-6/15/20
You were perfect. by @almondjoy_6

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5 years ago

This Chapter right here
Mindful.
Present.
Obedient.

For my birthday this year, I took my first solo trip to Civana Wellness Resort and it was more than I could’ve imagined! Just me, myself & God. 10/10 highly recommend. taken in CIVANA Wellness Resort and Spa by @almondjoy_6

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2 months ago

Literally THEEE BEST!!!!! I tell you often but I seriously couldn’t survive parenthood without you! Won’t even try to describe all that you are and all that you do but baby you are the glue! So soooo grateful for you. Happy Father’s Day to our household’s most valued player! The kids’ most favorite person in 🌍 we love you!!!! by @almondjoy_6

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4 months ago

A spring (no break) dump! This was the first year the kids had separate breaks so it felt like it lasted all of March and April!Can’t believe Summer is here! More life, more blessings ❤️ by @almondjoy_6

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5 months ago

Been a long time… late and random post but deserved a permanent place on my page. As travel picks up and more memories are made, I just want to pause and be reminded of these ❤️

#delta #inauguralflight #marrackech #morocco #worklifebalance by @almondjoy_6

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6 months ago

Sing Hallelujah, Christ is Risen 💕🙌🏾🙏🏾 by @almondjoy_6

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a year ago

Happy Spring, Happy National Flowers Day, Happy Friday!

May this be your reminder that even when the circumstance presents otherwise like these Winter temperatures in Spring, you can still BLOOM 💐🌺🌷 by @almondjoy_6

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2 years ago

Young, Wild & THREE! Late post, but these deserved a permanent spot on my page 🥰… 10/23, we celebrated Zulu’s big 3! by @almondjoy_6

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2 years ago

Could not have chosen a better way to celebrate my birthday. Bali was so so good to me. All I want for 35 is peace- to slow down the busy & deepen my relationship with God, the giver of it! I trust that all other things will be added. Thanks for all of the wishes!!!! by @almondjoy_6

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2 years ago

5 But I trust in your unfailing love
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me

When Zeus passed away 6/15/2020, our pastor told us 2 things 1) we can go through this with God or without. Of course we chose with and he has journeyed with us everyy single step of the way & early on during the times we thought we couldn’t walk, he carried us & restored our strength to know that with him, we could. We have continued to show up for Zion & Zulu and live full lives despite the unimaginable circumstance and it’s ALL because of GOD! Could not imagine doing this or anything without him. We have also turned this day into a beautiful day & tradition of being on the water fishing - this was year 4 of that tradition and it’s been an amazing weekend ❤️

The 2nd thing he gave us was Psalm 13 (reference it if you’re not familiar. He told us to stay at verses 1 & 2 as long as we needed. He advised that people will try to hurry you to verses 5 & 6, but don’t let them. You’ll get there… well 5 & 6 are the caption for this post 🙌🏾

When Ashley (my best friend) surprised me with this portrait a few days ago, I cried a real ugly cry but not because it made me sad but because she’s simply the best and it was soooo unexpected plus it’s so PERFECT and complete!

God is good. by @almondjoy_6

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2 years ago