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Amara Lavaki

@amaralavaki

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My sweet boy, this has been the hardest week of my life. To have loved someone so deeply and then to lose themā€¦ Iā€™ll never understand. I still ask why. Iā€™m still lost. I long to hear your voice, to hug you, to laugh with you. To say ā€œI love youā€ and hear it back. To eat with you, cook with you, run quick errands with you just all the little things. And now that I canā€™t, my heart feels so empty. I didnā€™t want to let you go. If I could have, I would have held onto you forever. But thatā€™s not how life works. Iā€™m trying to find the strength to keep moving forward one day at a time, one step in front of the other but itā€™s so hard. I want you back. I know thatā€™s me being selfish, but I also know youā€™re at peace now, no longer in pain. I know youā€™re whole again. Until then, you rest. Enjoy being complete and whole. Mommy will see you when itā€™s time. I love you foreverā€”always have, always will. by @amaralavaki
I donā€™t even know how to breathe. I keep waiting to hear his voice againā€”one of his quick comebacks that always caught me off guard and made me laugh no matter what mood I was in. I miss that grin, the one that could light up an entire room. I keep thinking heā€™s going to barge into my room just to see what Iā€™m doing. He always did that. Just showed up, like he knew we were each otherā€™s person. But he hasnā€™t come. He hasnā€™t made a sound. And the silence is so loud itā€™s crushing me. The pain I feel right nowā€¦ there are no words for it. Itā€™s unbearable. My heart is shattered into pieces and I feel so lost. Robbed! That boy was my right hand. My everything. I love you so much, son. Please, please! I just need one more moment. Just one more chance. A few seconds. I swear I could save you. I know I could. Just come back to me. Please. by @amaralavaki
Day 3. As you can see, itā€™s not just me hurting. Today was a blurā€”I donā€™t even remember most of it. Me and Daddy paid toward your funeral expenses, and I finally got out of the house. After that, everything just felt like a fog. Now itā€™s 1 a.m. again. My body wonā€™t calm down, I canā€™t sit still. Random flashes of Sunday morning keep hitting me outta nowhere. Then I panic, I cry, I get angry all over againā€¦ and then I go numb. Iā€™m tired. I just wanna go back in time and stay thereā€”before everything changed, before you left. I just need you. You were a part of me. You are a part of me. You made our whole family feel complete. I donā€™t want a new normal. I want you. I want our life back. by @amaralavaki
My sweet Ami girl. Never a dull moment. This one deserved a permanent spot on the timeline šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£ #funny #halloween #childrenwithdisabilities #saxaphonesaregettinglouder #scared by @amaralavaki
This video. Me letting go and letting him walk on his own. DĆ©jĆ  vu is the only way I can describe my emotions lately. I feel unbalanced. Hurting. So sad. And completely caught off guard. While talking with my B, I realized Iā€™m experiencing a whole new level of grief. Not only do I miss Mita, but Iā€™m coming to terms with the fact that another part of me is getting ready to take steps that will take him away from me, too. Heā€™s already 18. Graduates in May. And after that, everything is unknown. Iā€™ve created a safe space in our home that keeps him close. His friends hang out downstairs. I can walk down, hear him, see him. I KNOW heā€™s there. I KNOW heā€™s safe. But realizing this chapter is slowly ending has created a shift in me I wasnā€™t prepared for. Tonight, I forced myself to the gym, already emotionally overwhelmed but needing a release. Halfway through cycling, I ran outside feeling like I was going to throw up. I couldnā€™t. I went back and finished. The same thing happened during weights. Again, I finished. Not at my best, but I finished. Driving home, it hit me. Iā€™m literally oozing emotion from every part of my body. Itā€™s like my body is trying to release what my heart and mind can no longer carry. Iā€™m at my limit. I got home, fell into my Bā€™s arms, and just cried, ā€œIā€™m not okay. Why is this happening all over again? This isnā€™t fair. Iā€™m not ready.ā€ And thatā€™s where I am. Trying to hold it together. Trying not to let the fear of loss consume me. Trying to stay positive. But damnit, Iā€™m feeling it ALL, all over again! Iā€™m SO proud of my son. His growing up and beginning his own life deserves to be celebrated. But after experiencing a loss that changed every part of me, even the thought of a chapter ending for all the right reasons hurts more than I expected. I know change is good, even when itā€™s hard. But right now, I just want things to stay the same for a little while longer. Just a little longeršŸ¤ #GriefAndGrowth šŸ¤ #MotherhoodUnfiltered #LearningToLetGo #LifeAfterLoss #ForeverMyBabies by @amaralavaki
Man Orem time has gone by fastā€¦GRATEFULšŸ’™ by @amaralavaki
GROWTH šŸ’ŖšŸ¾ Iā€™ve been doing my best to document my progress, and Iā€™ve received so many sweet messages like, ā€œI love the new you!ā€ and ā€œI love seeing your gym content!ā€ And while I appreciate those words so much, I want you to know this is still very much a healing journey for me. Itā€™s not a new me. Iā€™m just learning to take care of the me whoā€™s been through so much. šŸ¤ For a long time, my sadness consumed me, and without realizing it, I wasnā€™t taking care of myself the way I should have. Now, Iā€™m learning to turn that same heavy energy into something positive. To challenge myself, build strength, find my breath, and keep showing up, even on the hard days. Iā€™m still grieving. Iā€™m still healing. Iā€™m just learning to do both in a healthier way. This gym is my safe place where I can pour those emotions into something that helps me grow instead of holding me back. This week, I took a class with @andrew_baer_ , who helped me work on my sprinting technique, and the difference was CRAZY! šŸ˜‚ Sprinting has been one of my biggest struggles. I hold my breath, get lightheaded, lose my rhythm, and exhaust myself trying so hard to focus on my legs and speed. But this time, I made it through that ENTIRE last sprint ON BEAT! šŸ™ŒšŸ½ Next goal? Standing and sprinting the whole time! It might seem small šŸ«  but to me, itā€™s proof that progress isnā€™t always about big changes. Sometimes itā€™s doing something today that you couldnā€™t do yesterday. And Iā€™m learning to be proud of those moments! So hereā€™s your reminder that you donā€™t have to have everything figured out to start taking better care of yourself. You can still be hurting and growing at the same time. Anywayyyy, thanks for following along on this little journey of mine! šŸ¤Ŗ Love you all! šŸ¤ by @amaralavaki
Senior Night. I canā€™t even believe itā€™s already over. But, he did it! And he did it well. So proud of our boy. Now, weā€™re off to playoffs. I need to do a few shoutouts to our family. They seriously made his night so special! @mai.lavaki & @luisa_lavaki for making Motis leis and fat heads! šŸ˜­ they seriously made the night! Yelling and cheering while waving those around just set the tone for the entire night. my sis @ltauaalo who made even more leis! To @alemakey17 & @kassidykey17 for their donation that went towards his gift cards šŸ¤ and my aunty @amywright96786 & uncle @lauvaoifi who sent us all his favorite treats from Hawaii to fill his basket. Also, all of my other family. Siblings and anyone else. We couldnā€™t have done it without you and weā€™re so grateful! Love you all! by @amaralavaki
I canā€™t believe itā€™s Senior Night šŸ˜­ā¤ļøā€šŸ©¹ My Moti! My big baby šŸ˜­šŸ¤ When you came into my life, you introduced me to a love I never knew existed and changed my world forever. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Your strength, potential, and the sweet, sensitive heart behind your tough exterior. You love deeply, protect fiercely, give freely, and wear your heart on your sleeve. I hope you always remember that I believe you can accomplish ANYTHING you set your mind to. Life hasnā€™t always been easy, but Iā€™ve watched you rise, find your footing, and keep going. Through every challenge, youā€™ve grown into the person you are today, and Iā€™m so proud of you! What makes me proudest isnā€™t what you accomplish on the football field, but who you are when the pads come off. I love how kind you are, your humor, your love of music, and your willingness to try new things. And I am so grateful for our relationship and the trust you place in me with your thoughts, dreams, and hardest days. This past year has been so hard for us and part of me wishes I could keep you close and protect you from anything that might hurt you. But loving you also means giving you room to grow, find your way, and become everything youā€™re meant to be. You donā€™t have to have it all figured out or be strong every day. You just have to try. And remember that tomorrow you get another chance to start over. You made me a mother, and I will be forever grateful. Now I have the beautiful, bittersweet privilege of watching my little boy become a man. I love you more than youā€™ll ever know. No matter how big you get, how far you go, or where life takes you, youā€™ll always be my big baby, my firstborn, my boy. Forever šŸ¤ Mom by @amaralavaki
āš ļøšŸšØ LONG POST ALERT šŸšØāš ļø The Movement Method šŸ˜­50 classes is CRAZY WORK! But we did it!!! ā€œHow you do anything is how you do everything.ā€ Iā€™m learning who I am again. Not as a wife. Not as a mom. Just me, as a woman. Im feeling blessed. Because Iā€™ve found a community. A space that has become such a safe place for me. A place where I can push my body when everything inside of me hurts. Where I can turn some of that pain into something good. A place where we challenge each other, we share energy, and push each other further than we feel capable of going. Weā€™re reminded all the time here that weā€™re all going through something. Maybe itā€™s small. Maybe itā€™s unimaginable. But we donā€™t compare our hard. We share it and we work thru it. For me, a huge part of healing has been learning how to be seen again. Stepping outside my comfort zone. Making eye contact. Showing up. Being present! After losing my son, even something as simple as letting people really see me has felt hard. But Iā€™m learning that growth doesnā€™t happen when everything goes to plan. It happens in the uncomfortable moments. In the little choices. In showing up when I donā€™t feel like it. I NEVERRRR thought Iā€™d find a space like this. But it feels sacred. And Iā€™m seriously so lucky. Life has dealt us some shitty absolutely unimaginable cards, and Iā€™m still trying to understand the meaning in all of it. But little by little, Iā€™m finding myself again. Iā€™m learning to live. To take my time. To say no. That itā€™s ok. And Iā€™m finally starting to see it. I can do so much more than I ever thought I could šŸ„¹ With all of this, I owe a special thank you to my home-team! My loves. My family! I couldnā€™t do this without the support of my husband and kids. Theyā€™re always building me up. Encouraging me. And TELLING me!!! How proud they are of me and I love them so damn much! Here is to more healing. More growing. And more good! Now watch me get stronger! One day at a time! All for me and my Mita! #LLM #griefjourney #selflove #growth #healing by @amaralavaki
Fun Sunday morning golf with our brother @alemakey17 the weather was wild! We had jackets but because we were so close to the canyon and the wind turbines it was FREEZING!!! We had so much fun and really enjoyed starting the day off being active and in nature. Next time, letā€™s just go golf in Hawaii w uncle @lauvaoifi & uncle @sonnyboy8o8 šŸ¤£ cuz this wasnā€™t it for me! šŸŒļøā€ā™€ļøā›³ļø in ā˜€ļøšŸŒŠšŸļø#golf #utah #fun #qualitytime #healing by @amaralavaki
We love our ā€œCaptain Mamasā€ @shanaejones @amaralavaki @anamaui šŸ…šŸ’™šŸ’› thank you mamas for your example of strength to our Orem high football team! Thank you for leading the team to the WIN last night. ā€œLife is about othersā€ P. A. W. šŸ… #oremutah #tigernation #momsofboys #sentimentale by @amaralavaki

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