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July

@apparition.city

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a long overdue rundown of how the remainder of September went. a lot has happened, to which I am over the moon about given how bleak August was.

I found myself frequenting Mow's for the whole month of September. I think I spent all of my weekends there. I got to know certain folks there. I had been acquainted with bands, other creatives, and overall friendly folks I wouldn't mind seeing again. it helps to always have a familiar face these days.

when you regularly go to a place like Mow's, you start to realize just how much can happen in a tiny basement. and what I mean is, you can make an entire catalogue of memories there. you can find your new favourite band. your new friend group. you can taste new kinds of smoke and liquor. you may find out certain pieces of knowledge that will forever burden you. but ultimately, the night will feel long and you will feel like you have Lived. the thrum of guitars and the beat of the drums will stay even as you head back home.

I am fortunate to have found a home here, and maybe my younger self wouldn't have believed that. my younger self probably thought they'd be hanging out at cozy cafes, public libraries, and maybe BGC. most likely, they thought they'd be alone doing this, too. and that, my friends, is why I am happy that I am the way that I am now. I'm happy I get to feel enjoyment through live music and other communal activities. they remind me of how much we truly depend on one another.

I'm happy to have spent my highs at QC. I've also been to Manila for a gallery trip with a friend. however, it's the pivotal moments of September that I had witnessed in Quezon City. something about how familiar yet also fresh things are in this City means a lot to me. it's close to my comfort zone, yet it also brings me out there. it lets me become myself more, and I do. I really do.

maybe one day, I can stay here for good? but for now, the long nights I can afford are very much appreciated. by @apparition.city

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6 days ago

we are halfway through September. I remember complaining to a friend on how the month seems to be flying by. it's because I am living like I used to again. always on the move. rarely staying at home, if only to eat and to sleep. if I were to have my own place, that's exactly how I will live as well.

I faintly recall how, in my teens, I dreamt of a home that's cozy and warm. I used to find pride in being a homebody then. it was when I thought being inside our house all the time was a good thing. well, to my younger self, let me tell you: you better start learning how to go to Cubao.

it's also Virgo Season. one of my favourite astrological seasons, hands down. the Sun graces my Ninth House with elevation, exposure, and lots of humility. I accept it wholeheartedly, as it is, in the words of younger Gen Zs, my 'first day on Earth.' I think it is everyone's first day on Earth, only that others tend to act in hostility rather than kindness. I do wish everyone gets to be kind. kindness, as one would learn, can be a privilege sometimes.

I've been all over the place, in a literal sense. I went to Pasig. I went to Pateros for the first time! it is such a small place, not sure yet if it is a City. we would have to return and take multiple visits. I know I will be coming back. I went to Makati for a free concert and I got to watch Novocrane perform Dunkin for the first time as an official single. I've yearned for peace and stability, while also finding beauty in such a volatile lifestyle.

there will be a time when all this will be a distant memory. one day I will find comfort in staying at home again. after a long day of work as a creative, I would just want to stare at a blank wall. maybe I would even pick up mountain climbing as a hobby. but not now. not when the City calls to me, when it reaches for me and I feel in my hands the constant desire to always reach back. by @apparition.city

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a month ago

on the top of my head, the sun had only shined for 9 days in August. that's not even a third of the month.

I think when the weather's like that, it's easy to assume your life is done for. the flood will come crashing into your door. you're scrambling to evacuate. why the heck am I unemployed right now. I made the wrong decision. it's not going to be any better.

then the sun would shine and all of a sudden, you love the unemployment life once again!

I've been taking more pictures of street graffiti lately. I made a few friends these past few months who specialize in this art style. for a while, I haven't thought about graffiti, be it in the form of spray paint or stickers. they always just exist in the background for me. and funnily enough, where else can you see graffiti but the City?

and I know what you're thinking, "what is it about the City, really? why are you so loud and annoying about being in the city when mountain climbing at Batanes and surfing at La Union is a better lifestyle?"

I think about how flood prone most of our cities in NCR are. I think about how a lot of people here are barely getting by. I think about the bungalows contrasting the towering silver buildings of BPO companies. I think about the streets and the words they say, or scream. and just like the rain, it's easy to assume that leaving this environment is the better way to live. let's just all go to Guimaras or Siquijor or Catanduanes. or maybe we could even go to Japan? for that is the dream, right?

but I love the City. I love the people I meet in it. Cities are proof that we, as humans, are persevering. trying to make a life on this planet as one of its youngest organisms. I love the City, for it is the life we are dealt with. it is the only life we know, sometimes. and along the way, we slowly make of it with what we know. we build the City, just as much as it houses us. in a way, the City becomes us. who would the City be, if not without its citizens?

how could I not have love for that? by @apparition.city

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a month ago

Leo Season is coming to a close, but honestly? a good chunk of these photos aren't even taken this month.

I must say, I find it ironic how majority of Leo Season was spent indoors, sheltered from the rain, sitting with my anxiety as I hear the alarm blare, signalling the rise of Marikina River's water level. a little dox moment: I live quite near the river. we're fortunate to not have experienced a flood, but the anxiety is undeniable.

I took those days well. I also suffered from a face injury, to which I have updated you about. my face was swollen for a good week, while the rain hammered onto our roof. nature is telling me to stop, to take a rest as I cannot wear my glasses, to sleep the days away. I've been good! but honestly, they truly took their time passing by. one day felt like three days. my naps felt like an entire 8 hour slumber.

I haven't really thought about anything aside from two things: the rain, and my injury. now, as I am typing this, both seemed to have subsided.

the last month was a blast. had a picture with one of my favourite bands. got together with friends. met new people, and had other formative experiences that I don't feel like bragging about. they only impress me, and I am impressed already, so there's no need to mention them. I still can't believe they happened. look at me, defying the odds!

I must say that I am easing in to this chapter of my life. it feels good, to have clear priorities and to allow myself time and grace. external factors may continue to persist, but at least I have a home in my company. by @apparition.city

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2 months ago

the long awaited Mitski concert dump, except it's only a few photos and I actually included more non-Mitski concert photos.

it feels surreal to finally watch one of my favourite musicians perform live on stage! and it happened in Manila, the City that currently shapes my dreams and aspiration. truly, in no other wiser words: in Manila, you can start over.

I must also say, there are levels when it comes to starting over. one unspoken facts about starting over, is that you are also expected to, at least, have a cushion to fall back to. even with an empty, single room apartment, you first purchase a bean bag or a carpet to lay your worries onto. in other words, it takes a bit of privilege to make sure you Can start over. as beautiful and hopeful as it sounds, it is also humbling and deeply self-effacing.

but how long does it take before it feels like starting over, and more of living a life? do you take it into consideration how long your goals take to bear fruit before you start over? should you start over at a certain age, maybe 27 or 32 or 45 or 58? how many start overs can you afford?

and what if starting over means life literally stays the same, only that you're sleeping on a bed you made? sometimes, you wake up with an aching back due to the springs of your bed digging onto your skin. sometimes, you wake up due to the extreme summer heat, because while you can afford a bed, you can't afford airconditioning. what if starting over only means getting your own bed and nothing else?

sometimes, I wish I can be comfortable in the bed that's made for me. I wish I could just let my body enjoy the coldness of both sides of the pillow I sleep on. I wish hugging the plushies I'm given to by my father, the same person who trumped my dreams of studying outside Marikina, would suffice as comfort. I wish I could find a good night's rest where all my dreams aren't fulfilled 10 kilometers away from here.

nobody told me starting over meant lamenting the life you were once given, the life you've shared with many other people, the life you were known for. feeling it slip away from your grasp as the current one you're trying to build crushes you further. by @apparition.city

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3 months ago

it was July 2023 when I got in my first job. I was a different person then, I must say. a total suck-up. I was 2 inches tall, and everyone towers over me. in a way, I acted in a way that was expected of people like me: sheepish and self-effacing.

I couldn't say the same this time around. in July 2026, I have never been more of a Gen Z than ever. I give a lot of people the Gen Z Stare, the Gen Z Pout, the Gen Z Liberation, you name it. I was born in 2000, after all. I am at the right age to demand what I deserve and give back as little as what the world under capitalism throws at me.

but I believe I don't have to always give the bare minimum when the occassion demands it. that's also part of what the corporate mindset instills. I want to care. I want to show up. I want to spend my money on experiences and building friendship. I want to be there for you, and so I will.

I don't think I could ever be the same person as I was in 2023, in all the senses. there is a certain level of growth that one achieves after being both at the lowest and highest point of their life. you know just how low you can go, and how much higher the wind can take you. right now, I'm spreading my wings as wide as I can to capture as much wind as possible. it may feel like you cannot reach me, but all it takes is for you to realize you have wings too, you know? you have to feel it, one way or another. it hurts the most when you're trying to be confined at your corporate seat. what feels like mere backpain might be the start of your wings eroding into your spine.

I am happy this part of my life is happening right now. I am happy to be here. I am happy to feel lost and uncertain and big and grand and free and contained and boundless at the same time. there is so much more to be done, and there is so much time to also do nothing. by @apparition.city

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3 months ago

rare Apparition City aesthetic: actually being afraid to post something on Instagram? aka MY CITY? the Mercury Retrograde is truly doing something to me.

but I must post my drabble. I must let you know how much I am living despite it all. a lot of factors are against my current choice of existence, so the fact that I am able to continue is resistance in itself. I wish it wasn't that way, though. I wish I don't always have to be the bravest, most courageous and most boundary-breaking person in the room. I myself know that I am not all that, but with how I am handling my circumstances? I might as well be.

but I want to center this post on the last few days of June.

I am confronted by the idea that maybe I am not giving a chance to my own city, Marikina. the turnout of my event there, as well as the people around me actively trying to host events there, kind of tells me I need to have more faith here. but I think I wouldn't have had this level of empathy if I did in the first place. I had to know what standards should I set for my career before I take risks with results I can accept. in a way, I am shaped by every other city I have been to, and on the final days of June, I showed Marikina just who I am. and I guess Marikina welcomed me?

I still find it difficult to give second chances on places, and people, that brought me pain. it's still instinctive for me to run. to fly. to swim away. anything but staying where I am born. maybe with enough love, I can actually unpack where my desire to escape stems from. maybe I can face it with a newfound truth that I was wrong. I wanted to be wrong.

for now, I've settled with a truce with my dear city. I will continue moving about, navigating places, trying to find if it's a home or another crossed out area on the map. I am not easy like that. I am hard. I only know love when it's thrown against me like an insult. I only know to pick it up in absence of my lover. to show my love through averted gaze as we continue to share the room. by @apparition.city

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4 months ago

Gemini Season is nearing its end, which means my most dreaded zodiac season, Cancer Season, is on the horizon.

I know I should feel relieved that the Sun will ingress a Water sign, as I am a Scorpio myself. but I guess there is more to compatibility than just having the same interests. I personally believe that opposites attract, at least the superficial form of opposition.

June is shaping up to be another active month for me. I rarely spend time at home these days. at the same time, I feel as though the sun shines too bright when I am not in motion. it causes me to sweat profusely, leaving me uncomfortable when I do, in fact, need to stay still. is it a trauma response? to not want to be caught at ease, because you know you're the least deserving of it?

I recently watched Open Endings, a sapphic Filipino movie! and a movie it is, oh yes. definitely a movie with the way I am staring too long... at a certain Klea Pineda... I love it! I was surrounded by sapphics for a good 2 hours and the atmosphere was simply abundant with ease.

I think it's easy to assume that for a feminine-presenting trans identity like me that I am not attracted to fellow feminine identities as well. it is a lot more recognized that trans women and femmes are straight, and therefore society associates us more as the type to chase after men. it is definitely not our fault, though, when some trans women and femmes fall for what society expects from us. society loves to reward our desparation with 15 minutes of fame. if not that, then men themselves take advantage of our humane desire just to demean us further.

I want to live for the day that, as a trans person, I get to be free of what I am expected to fulfill in society. I get to love without being seen as desperate. I get to love, for I am seen as a potential partner and not immediately just a Friend. I deserve that, don't I? by @apparition.city

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4 months ago

for the month of May, I actually had a close schedule to look up to. I had plotted my events, I have my designated schedule as a volunteer at Escolta, and I have my three days of activity and exercise. one might say, this is the closest I have been to attaining the lifestyle of an artist.

I don't like Gemini season. that is a knowledge I have imparted to most people who know me. but at the same time, the Sun and a couple of planets enter my 5th House during Gemini: the house of creativity, creative exploration, passion, and child-like wonder. as much as I dreaded Gemini season, I am also at the age where I slowly come to terms with my responsibility in my adulthood. this time, I took initiative and paid attention to my life and the opportunities within reach. I took risks. I spent a few days skipping dinner. I know that if I let this go without being an active participant, I would clearly have regrets.

I am glad I chose to live this month the way I did.

I've had other sobering thoughts lately, about the life I want for myself and how I want the journey to be. I've had glimpses of it in quiet afternoons at Escolta, hearing the aircon buzz with my thoughts of independence. I've felt the joy of my own company, as well as the people I want to linger with in these spaces. I've felt time move in such a pace that almost makes me want to crave it lasts that way.

it won't be easy to get there, as with everything we want in life. I am slowly getting a clearer picture of what a perfect day means for me. I hope to get there eventually. I will make the time worth it. by @apparition.city

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5 months ago

I don't think I have ever Citymaxxed this much before. I don't even know what gave me the obsession with Cities in the first place. oh wait, I think I do actually: a City can have so many people in it, and all their lives are interconnected without them even truly knowing. but somehow, they also do.

you know when a certain meat vendor closes shop and goes home. you know where your favourite staff at the local school supplies store goes out for lunch. you know that every 5:45pm, there'd be a man in his forties sitting on the park, somehow always reading the same book.

and when you think you're an outsider in these lives, you're actually shaping them as you know it. such events wouldn't happen without you. that's how I feel like whenever I am in the City. I just feel like my every step, my every wave, creates an intersection with someone else's. and it would happen again and again, and again, and again. just a network of circles intersecting one another, changing each other.

maybe you wouldn't get it, if you prefer scaling mountains and swimming in the ocean every weekend. maybe that's what you are conditioned to believe, so that you would never interact with a different human being again. maybe it doesn't have to be that way? all it takes, is to simply notice where you are and how you belong. and soon enough, you'd find just how important you are in the space you are in. I like to believe that's the case.

when you really think about it, Cities are less about the infrastructure and more about the people that keep it alive. so really, when I think about the City, I am just simply thinking about you. by @apparition.city

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5 months ago

I look back to my 2 years of employment and realize: as much as I had the means to finance the life most employed folks pursue, I didn't quite do that.

I spent my savings to buy an iPad, to buy Procreate, to buy my family a new fridge, and to pay for untimely hospital bills. when I think about it, I didn't regret it because it was what I needed to pay for. but now... well, I am trying to be fine with it.

stepping out of employment made me assess what lifestyle I would want to have. I would be fine with not having to travel much, but I think travelling at least twice a year would be nice. what I really want is to have increments of memories that will build a grand picture to look back to one day. I want to attend live music performances. I want to see bands. I want to buy cool clothes. I want to make more friends. I want to be in cities more. I want to Connect, essentially.

I think I am doing quite a good job at building that life, when I think about it. don't you think so, too? well, it's not that your opinion would redefine it, but I spend this life with you too. and I am thankful to have met you along the way, as we figure out our own paths. by @apparition.city

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5 months ago

the Sun enters Taurus today, which is the perfect day to be vain online. I kind of feel like April just flew by. I mean, it just remains true to the nature of Aries, doesn't it? with Mercury finally out of Pisces, real action can take place and actual conversations can be had.

I am slowly finding joy in being unemployed again. I must admit, there were times when I was itching for a stable source income. no experimentations. no predictions and disappointments. just a regular sheep working on their regular sheep job. you get home at 9pm because our transportation system is the least of this government's priority. you feel drained out of your soul. but hey, that 5-figure paycheck by the end of the week might just pay enough for a La Union trip, right?

but isn't it also an entire privilege to get tired of living by your passion? to get exhausted over counting how many items you have left because you've sold out yet again? to be able to actually earn from what was once a mere hobby?

I am learning to give myself more grace each day, and letting myself get rest when I need to. it doesn't dampen my desire for this to work out. maybe a little bedrotting here and there is actually beneficial! I just finished watching both seasons of The Boyfriend. I just attended my friends' event and danced to their sets. I talk to my friends online regularly. that's all just as fulfilling as the grind.

I manifest an easier time this Taurus season. there is more to life than worrying and wondering about the What Ifs. sometimes you just have to lay down and be on your phone, I guess. by @apparition.city

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6 months ago