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by @bearquinn

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27

23 days ago

Dec ‘25 - Was so much I nearly made two posts for you.

Started with a long trip back from thanksgiving, stopping every couple of hours, wondering how we were ever going to make it home in time. That same night the Gotham Awards, trying to dress nice, everything fitting differently since you arrived.

Learning how to go out again, concerts, birthdays, book readings, holiday parties, and the much anticipated premiere of Marty Supreme. Proud. Thanks to Max and Mom for babysitting and encouraging me to venture out. And thanks to my favorite people for staying in with me when I couldn’t.

Preparing for our three christmases. The first in Brooklyn, little tree in the corner, celebrating 3 months with you. That certain way you put your head in the side of my neck when you’re falling asleep always makes me cry. I’d hold you forever but you sleep so well in the snoo.

The second in Raleigh, Emmy’s house, after your first plane ride. Comfortable in the air from your time floating through the cosmos before coming to us. Family vying for your attention, me getting used to sharing, and so thankful for full houses of people who love you.

And the last in Boynton Beach, the warmest and brightest you’ve ever seen. Feeding you on the driveway I spent countless hours playing on growing up. Teta and Bearpaw’s house now. Hanging with your cousin, first time for her as well. Surreal to see you sleeping in my childhood bedroom, in the crib made for my brother. And you look so much like him when you sleep. A new kind of New Years, worried the fireworks would wake you, cheers-ing at 8pm instead of midnight.

They say 2025 was a 9 year, a completion year of the snake, all about shedding old skin and transformations bringing us into the beginning of a new cycle, a time for beginnings, manifestation, and bold action. Looking back on ‘25 it is obvious I have transformed, a mother now. But there are other ways I have been transforming in the midst of that. Starting 2026 with the hope that the calls to action motherhood brings don’t smother out those other quieter ones that were there already. Revealing the pattern of my scales again, the one that got so clouded before I shed my skin. by @bearquinn

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9 months ago

October ‘25 - You have always been my favorite, but this one tops them all.

My first full month with you. Quiet cozy unforgettable. Wishing Happy Birthday to dad for the first time. Saying it all with no words at all. Watching you becoming who you are, subtly and softly, like waking up from a dream and remembering. I’m following your lead here. Learning to trust. Keeping things close and trying to stay open.

Watching our parents as parents now. How they settle into being grandparents again. For the 2nd and the 7th time.

Lucky. He loves his whale onesie.

More friends visits and pumpkin carvings so good I felt like I was looking at all of our children. Fires and Babies.

Peacing out with cousins for the first time, brother as an uncle, and new ways to carry him home. You wear fatherhood so well. I’m still getting used to my new reflection and having too much time for reflections.

An odd sort of Wizard of Oz romp on my first night out. And a different sort of Halloween, one where trick or treating is allowed again, carrying you under my coat to keep warm.

Savoring each moment as time speeds up in our arms, a tangible thing now.

Feed shit spit repeat. by @bearquinn

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25

10 months ago

September ‘25 - monumental.

You certainly can’t be summed up in a few sentences of truth dancing between nursery rhymes.

The last two weeks before you arrived.

Game nights and movie premieres. Normal life like stumbling upon a quartet in a tomb playing to bones much like I played to yours before you were earth side.

Celebrating friends’ love with friends I love. Too much to hold in my hand. Learning the basics knowing nothing will fully prepare us for you.

I was supposed to make bread that day. I was supposed to have time to talk about all the things, to pack our bags, to practice the breathing again, the birth positions. I was supposed to write the birth plan, to write letters to you, letters to my future, letters to my past.

But the universe had other plans. And maybe so did your Emmy and Nana, hands on me on you can’t wait to meet you energy flowing.

My body knew you were coming before I did. My blood nearly jumping out of my skin with excitement. Making all the nurses’ eyes go wide, jokes to lighten the mood, knowing full well they would not let me go home one last time without you.

I spoke to you through the night. I asked you to come calmly smoothly safely. Despite the induction the doctors the monitors. I asked you to come naturally and you did. Your Dad encouraging you, first to see you, cutting you from me so that you could be ours now.

Bringing you home. Meeting your Teta and Bearpaw and uncles and best friends. Everything is new and at the same time it is as if we have been doing it for a hundred years.

I see now. How you are the reason for all of it. The littlest biggest thing.

I’ll be trying to put you to words for the rest of my life, trying to capture the magnitude of this new kind of love you have gifted to us.

For now I just have two. Two that are yours now.

Ellis Henry 💕

09/17/25
12:07pm
5lbs 14oz by @bearquinn

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59

a year ago

August ‘25 - we’re close enough now that you’ll be here before my groceries expire.

Started in the Poconos feeling the breeze off waterfalls, romping through the woods with my favorites, learning how to properly eat an Oreo. Life changing. Celebrating friends becoming aunts and uncles and excited for my son to call them by those same names. Coziest mornings on the deck talking about future dreams, lives we want to live, planning. How I enjoyed that last cabin trip. I keep reminding myself that it’s not the last though, just the last one before.

Before I get too big, before you come, before everything changes.

Trying to cry in the theater. Trying not to cry in the theater. Breaking down on street corners, just barely making it, prepping to be showered, thankful for the hands who put in so much work to make our bb bbq a night to remember. Pulled pork, strong cocktails, and so many of my favorite people. Again soaking up the time before everything changes.

Thank you for being there.

Rockaway for some good films, proud again of all of @mpallman talents, ocean breeze and jet planes lighting up the black moon sky. Tintypes to remember you by, they will outlast us all. And the US open eating hot dogs and chicken fingers in the sun.

We all wore yellow that day in the park, girl cards and boy cards telling our future. I don’t remember what they said now, it feels very far away and still somehow like yesterday. Especially knowing where I am now while I write this August monthly.

Spoiler alert - I’m holding you 💕 by @bearquinn

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14

a year ago

July ‘25 - blurred streets, walking fast while I still can.

A capture the flag birthday on a nearly perfect summer evening, 4th of July where baby Otto stole the show so completely no one even cared about the fireworks, and a swimming hole weekend upstate, shut down by police and policing, round fire talks that settle and shake my ground. A new table to gather around.

Bowling failures still feel like wins when they end with Dumplings and Ice cream.

The search for the perfect peach reveals extraordinary things. Regretting not taking a bite, I wonder how it tastes. Taylor Swift still feels like she’s writing from the pages of my diary even when our words are sung in broadway fashion. At least we got to wish upon one falling star, in the midst of a meteor shower.

Beach day and a hole for ten thousand toes ended with a rooftop sunset that cut the sky with its scrapers, and more policing shutting down footlong hot dogs and hoagies. I drink milk before bed now to stop the acid bubbling up.

Good friends, good food, good deserts, stealing moments with you between the work, to soak in life before monumental change hits. Getting ready for him, getting ready for us.

And a bad dart board casting an omen on us, maybe. The flips in my stomach have a very different meaning this year and I’m still trying to learn their language by @bearquinn

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4

a year ago

June ‘25 - maybe It’s been hard to write because I still feel like I’m hiding.

Writers group with old friends, dinner parties at the Oppenheim’s, and an absolutely perfect fit. Nesting and Nesting. The clearest image of you I’ve had yet.

A Happy 3 year anniversary trip to the Berkshires for a wedding, big Bears’ belly was even bigger than the bear’s, where the sun peaked out at the perfect moment, illuminating that red hair everyone’s been talking about.

Finding time for more old friends, park hangs, and smash burger perfection. A wing mistake almost didn’t make it to, two weeks in Austin, a reunion with the finest, trying to find a peaceful moment by the water when everybody was rushing around for some reason. And if I’ve not been clear enough, that’s not a trick of the wide angle lens.

What a circus.

I’m a bit disappointed by what I have to say about you this month. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for change and at the same time hold on to what feels like my past life as I’m still living it. It’s something writing each month has shown me, the pull of holding on and push of letting at times suffocate each other as they vie for space, leaving only me at the center.

Well, I guess you’re there at the center with me now, your rumble getting stronger every day 💕 by @bearquinn

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18

a year ago

May ‘25 - What to say about you, it’s so late now. I let you slip.

Maybe it’s because I don’t know what to say about letting go of Teta and Gido’s. I know that our memories are not actually contained in your walls. They are in us and go wherever we go. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve always looked the most like myself in the mirror in the upstairs bathroom. I can’t take that with me. I’m glad I saw you reflected back before I had to say goodbye. I brought you there still. I told you all about it. My feet walking away for the last time.

Backyard and baseball happy bdays, incredible claw work I didn’t capture, and not being welcomed at dim sum after. I reach for the hot dog on my keys to come home now.

Announcing GOOD BATH and setting intentions. Can we do Cannes? I’m not sure I’m doing it right, ice cream and mini burgers? Chugging water after the red carpet because it’s all I’m allowed these days. The seagulls were more my vibe that night, but we sure did look snappy.

Pit stop to see Lara in Barcelona 💕excited for new chapters as we both turn pages.

And watching for whales with some of the best, straining our eyes to catch a glimpse, is that a tail or choppy waters? Talking back to the waves telling me to go with the flow when I want to create the current for a change. by @bearquinn

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14

a year ago

April ‘25 - Changing. I was never quite settled in you.

We gathered in your bones again and began to pick you apart. Do we burden with our projections of meaning, each forcing our own ideas onto objects hoping they reminisce back at us. You gave everyone a place there. We all felt like it was ours.

Edmonton. Working where you put us, basements and dark hallways behind the walls, planning for futures, multiple, not knowing which will stick. Wrapping a truly special film.

New York street chicken on a stick. Shooting sticks. Do they still call it a bullseye in archery? Third annual birthday darts. Was overflowing with love in that tiny back room which has become so meaningful to me over the past year. Thank you for being there.

Solo trip to Banff. Soaking my freezing toes in hotsprings, breathing deep on thin air at the highest heights I could hike. Searching for my solid ground as the ice tried its best to keep me down. View from my window like a painting so I painted it.

Florida. To celebrate the life of Uncle John. Clear you were loved by many who told stories of you that made us laugh and cry at the same time. We will miss you.

Home to a Kaleidoscope. Showing me colors I’ve never seen before. And back to your bones sitting on the carpet that is mine now. Conscious of my savoring every moment. Trying to shake the feeling of the last time that echos in my head over and over.

It’s not over though. by @bearquinn

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5

a year ago

March ‘25 - Milk every moment, but I was a bit elsewhere this month.

The indoor spaces of a city that lives inside, stairs to nowhere but chairs no one sits in anymore, and lots of Bruno in Oakley’s to match mine. Plotting like we did this time last year, but in such different places than before.

First shots on frozen lakes, soaking my bones, melting to be malleable again, and a few days at home with new little best friends and strange paintings projecting to try to understand.

We put in some dart time, but not nearly enough, held cats for comfort, and racked up the leftovers in the fridge until the rotting smell leaked through the ice machine.

Marveled at the places my work takes me. Places I would never be otherwise. Snow King castle raves, ice roads, and homes of strangers where I fell asleep on floors that don’t recognize me but embraced me anyways. Accepted the ice as best I could, it caught my falling body more than once.

And the northern lights for the first time. The magnitude of it all settling in. Out of sorts as I add layer upon layer trying to keep the chill out even though it felt at times like it was coming from the inside.

A local said there’s always a fire in Tonawanda. Maybe I would feel warm there. by @bearquinn

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4

a year ago

Feb ‘25 - Have you ever been so far north your nose hairs freeze together?

Hidden smiley faces and desperate for hot dogs. A hard pivot from culture to whatever that was. We made it to the museum still where we became acutely aware of time passing, life a movie of our own making. And @pieforlukenotyou made us sandwiches on a quiet cozy Super Bowl night. Friends becoming parents, meeting sweet Otto. Seeing you for the very first time.

Growing pains, I think. The countdown hanging overhead felt like I was saying goodbye everyday. Shifting into work again. Endless malls with waterparks and sea lions to entertain inside so you forget the frigid air that bites at your lungs and picks at your skin.

LA for the weekend thawing out and celebrating a good little movie, art fairs, and independent spirit. @mpallman making me proud in fit checks. Reminiscing with old friends over the things we used to create, each time the credits rolled felt like a nomination.

Recognizing the changes in my reflection as Producer mode is engaged. Trying to bond with the bond. The dart bar across the street from our Airbnb. Did I orchestrate all that?

2025 is asking me to trust and testing my limits already. by @bearquinn

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6

2 years ago

January ‘25 - The one I remember prolonged although you were always on borrowed time.

A blurry new years anticlimactic in a sense as we paid no mind to the seconds counting down. Sharing joy with best friends, milestone steps snapped mirrors, distorting reflections we try to relate to still.

Welcoming a new human into being, so small and the biggest thing in the world at the same time. Special quiet cozy moments with you I will never forget.

Shattered heirlooms, birthday hues , and cold plunges to re-set the mood. A concert that felt of another world, another dimension calling me to dive in deeper. Maybe I will, I’ve got my ear plugs to dampen the sound like a good snow storm in the city does. And the last dart game of the season. Can’t wait till spring league.

Sundance Boyz. Stuffed into bunk beds with pals, hot tickets that fail to keep us warm in endless lines and beautifully lit buses and hot tubs with ice cream. Many plane views that weren’t plain at all. And a monster truck rally in the middle of Brooklyn that sparkle smashed our socks off.

I’m late this month and wonder if I can keep this up. I’m at the beginning of a long journey. Pushing off 3 months in the north for a movie we have been dreaming about for over a year now. Dreaming of many things, too much maybe. I wonder how things will unfold this season. by @bearquinn

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2

2 years ago