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Clara Smallwood

@claramary__

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In June, I had the opportunity to speak with a couple of young violists who asked what I thought the hardest part of my studies as a violist so far were. My answer surprised them and myself: “not giving up even after experiencing abuse and trauma.”

Over the course of my (relatively short) life, I’ve unfortunately experienced trauma and abuse of several forms. Those who are close to me know about my undergraduate experience and how emotional and psychological abuse caused me to almost quit viola. Those who are closer to me know about the domestic abuse I’ve experienced recently and how difficult it was for me to keep going and live through the trauma after it all came to a head a year ago. And there’s still more for me to uncover and process.

As I’ve continued my healing process, I’ve been reflecting on that conversation with those young violists a lot. I’ve been thinking about how hard the daily musical grind is by itself…it’s hard enough to get up every day and keep going, trusting that you as an individual can make it in a field that is dominated by brutal subjectivity and operates partially (maybe even heavily) on connections and “right place right time”. It feels often like we as musicians are expected to be at the top of our game at all times, and experiencing any kind of setback (whether it’s injury, sickness, or just uncontrollable circumstances) can be devastating.

I guess I could have said “scales” or “figuring out how to play in tune”. But really the hardest part of my musical journey so far has been having the resilience and courage to stand back up after having been knocked completely out. There were many, many times over the past 12 months when it was extremely difficult for me to even want to pick up my viola, because everything else was just too overwhelming.

As I enter the final year of my doctorate, I am reflecting on how I was lucky to have supportive people to help me through the darkest of my times. You know who you are, and thank you. I guess the TL;DR is that music is tough, life is tougher. Lean on others when you need to.

thx 4 reading 🌝 now go practice by @claramary__

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2 months ago

For those who missed it, last night I performed 3 Hindemith Sonatas (!!!) for my 1st DMA recital. Putting this together was so so challenging, but I’m so glad I did, and it turned out to be a LOT of fun.

A HUUUUUGE thank you to @gssmith96 for his VERY hard work this year, as well as for his patience and understanding. This program would literally not have been possible without him, and our rehearsals were always one of the highlights of my week. 🥺

Thank you also to my studio, who are always there to give me standing ovations (🥹) and to my friends who support me. Thanks to my parents who flew out to listen to a bunch of Hindemith (lol).

Last but not least, thank you to my teacher @masumiviola for his unwavering support and endless patience. I do not think I would have made it through this year without it. I have grown and continue to grow so much as a person and as a musician under his guidance, and I’m incredibly grateful.

My heart is very full (and my shoulders are much lighter with this program completed LOL). Looking forward to the next one!

📸: @studio_solitary taken in Kilbourn Hall by @claramary__

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6 months ago

Honored to have had the opportunity to serve as faculty for Summer @ Eastman this year! I had so much fun getting to know the students last week, and I am very grateful for this valuable teaching experience. Putting together this week-long program was a challenge, but I feel I have learned so so much both as a student and as an educator. It was our first year putting together this Viola Week…hopefully there will be many more! taken in Eastman School of Music by @claramary__

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3 months ago

new headshots courtesy of @snipedbyhannah taken in Highland Park by @claramary__

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a month ago

Pittsburgh, PA. shot on Sony taken in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania by @claramary__

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2 months ago

Seneca Lake, shot on Sony taken in Seneca Lake by @claramary__

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4 months ago

Watkins Glen, shot on Sony taken in Watkins Glen State Park Gorge Trail by @claramary__

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4 months ago

it rly hurts to lose you so soon after losing sammy. hopefully you’re both resting easy. bye bye to both of my sweet boys 🕊️ by @claramary__

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4 months ago

Harrisonburg, VA / James Madison University, shot on Sony taken in Harrisonburg, Virginia by @claramary__

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4 months ago

lilac festival 🌸 taken in Highland Park by @claramary__

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5 months ago

☀️ learning & growing (and growing & learning) ☀️ by @claramary__

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6 months ago

A few more from last night since they’re so good!!!

📸: @studio_solitary taken in Kilbourn Hall by @claramary__

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6 months ago