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Deadstock Report

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Fortunately for Mac, being the 43-year-old “sneakerhead” at TFS Media would no longer be the office’s favorite joke. Unfortunately for Mac, he’s now known as the office “Taco Bell guy.” by @deadstockreport

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2 months ago

When reached for comment, the entire consumer base of @youngla denied these allegations, responding simply: “Peptides.” by @deadstockreport

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3 months ago

Distraught over the state of his Celine denim, Marc took to Reddit fashion forums to post the mutilated pair—desperately looking for any help restoring all the lost fabric and sensitivity to the hemmed region. Shocking no one, the online community ostracized him instead, calling the jeans unnatural and cyberbullying Marc for going against God’s (Hedi Slimane) will by mutilating what he believed was an unsightly and frankly unhygienic amount of excess fabric on the otherwise flawless pants. by @deadstockreport

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4 months ago

Pouring gasoline on the fire that is their perplexing success, @newyorkornowhere have announced the addition of a second queue just in time for the Knicks historic championship run. As if the announcement of an additional queue to look like a moron in wasn’t enticing enough, rumors have begun circulating that Spike Lee and Timothee Chalamet may make a surprise appearance, taking turns with the obviously orange-and-blue sacrificial dagger themselves. Sources describe the attendees as “excited to just be part of something for once in their sad, miserable lives.” taken in Madison Square Garden by @deadstockreport

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4 months ago

Fresh off a 3-day Austin TX work trip, Trevor—an engineer with Google—returned to his West Village apartment with a hangover, cooked pair of Wranglers, and unbearably forced adoption of the word “y’all.” It should only be a matter of days now until he makes @midnightrodeo his entire personality. by @deadstockreport

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4 months ago

When reached for quote about the week he spent waiting on line, Derek told DSR: “Mmmphhrnnnghhm!” by @deadstockreport

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4 months ago

“Honestly, at least my ninth shift of the day doesn’t start for another 15 seconds—this company really offers a lot more flexibility than people realize. Oh almost forgot to share my own personal, totally-not-mandated opinion that Lauren Sanchez looked great and not scary at all” said Courtland on his last day driving for Amazon. by @deadstockreport

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5 months ago

Bobby asks that we respect his privacy at this time. This story is developing. by @deadstockreport

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5 months ago

As the U.S. president’s systematically dismantles all institutions that tell him he’s wrong, climate research has been forced to pivot. Filling the scientific void is a landmark study from the National Agency for Tracking Swag-Impacting Initiatives (NATSII). The study, being hailed as a first of its kind in uselessness, has determined that the most swagless homie in the friend group is often the best-prepared for these “totally normal below-freezing and record-high Spring temperatures” breaking out across the country.

The study offers remarkably simple solutions for such grand implications, encouraging everyone from HeyDude Truthers to Zohran tote bag-wearing communists to “just keep a jacket tied around your waist” as we bear witness to never-before-seen weather patterns that are “nothing to worry about.” Legal disclosure: This study was funded by The Association of Swagless Individuals for Trump by @deadstockreport

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6 months ago

Reports coming from the cookout were mixed. While some were iffy on Jeremy fixing a plate, others called his choice to queue Barter 6 “valid for a white boy.” When tapped for comment regarding his outfit selection, Jeremy defended the move by deflecting: “it’s the Cactus Plant Flea Market collab though.” What are your thoughts on the choice of attire? by @deadstockreport

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6 months ago

BREAKING: ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 22 has been officially cancelled following an internal investigation that uncovered a pattern of troubling allegations alongside even more concerning evidence of absolutely awful taste.

Sources close to production say the turning point came after the abuse allegations when investigators connected the behavior with a documented history of collecting and reselling Enfants Riches Déprimés.

ABC released a brief statement: “We take all allegations seriously. After reviewing the evidence—including Grailed transactions, receipts from 4GSeller, and cringe fit pics—we have decided not to move forward with Season 22.” by @deadstockreport

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6 months ago

While many are celebrating in a very “green” way today, the environment’s biggest opps had other plans. A fun little “double-whammy”—triple, if you count removing a sovereign leader without declaring war—appears to be the spoils of war so far. As oil prices skyrocket, shipping has also been directly impacted, leading to Temu’s Crude Clothing™️ line jumping not only in price, but in shipping time, too. The line, debuted quietly as part of Temu’s larger initiative to destroy not only Earth but the entire universe, sparked some controversy after shoppers began receiving their 2016 Anti Social Social Club deliveries this year, prior to their Temu Crude Clothing orders—despite placing the ASSC orders as recently as 10 years ago. While @temu @antisocialsocialclub and @potus have declined to comment, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth went on record to DSR, stating: “it’s no Southern Comfort but this crude oil stuff still tastes pretty great.” by @deadstockreport

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