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Amy Todey

@dramytodey

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Hi! I’m Dr. Amy—psychologist, mom of three, and a specialist in coparenting, child development, and family relationships.

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Hi family, a quick reminder: this page is here for psychoeducation, reflection, and support.

What I share is not therapy, and it does not create a therapist-client relationship. I am not providing individualized mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment through social media.

Please take what is helpful, leave what does not fit, and seek support from a licensed professional in your area if you need care specific to your life.

I am grateful you are here, and I hope this space continues to feel thoughtful, grounded, and useful. by @dramytodey

by @dramytodey

What if you’re unintentionally teaching your adult children NOT to share their happiness with you?

Sometimes the quickest way to shut down someone’s excitement is to respond with questions, concerns, or unsolicited advice.

And the surprising part? You may be doing it out of love.

Research suggests that how we respond to someone’s good news matters for relationship closeness.

Before you evaluate, celebrate.

Because you want to be someone your adult children turn to not just when life gets hard, but when life gets wonderful, too. ❤️ by @dramytodey

Want to have more influence in your adult child’s life? You might be focusing on the wrong thing.

As our children become adults, our greatest influence may no longer come from our advice, opinions, or attempts to help.

It may come from how they feel in our presence.

Can they disagree with us without fearing our reaction? Make their own choices without managing our disappointment? Trust that our love doesn’t depend on their decisions?

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do isn’t to teach another lesson.

It’s to become someone they feel safe coming home to. ❤️

#ParentingAdultChildren #FamilyRelationships #EmotionalSafety #HealthyRelationships by @dramytodey

There’s a kind of fear that can quietly take over relationships between parents and their adult children.

The fear that one wrong word, one disagreement, or one boundary could cost you the relationship.

So you start carefully choosing every word. Hiding your disappointment. Avoiding difficult conversations. Trying desperately to keep the peace.

And somewhere along the way, you stop showing up as yourself.

Here’s what I want parents to understand:

You can respect your adult child’s boundaries without abandoning your own voice.

You can acknowledge mistakes without taking responsibility for everything.

You can love someone deeply without making yourself smaller to maintain the relationship.

And you can work toward connection without allowing fear to make every decision.

Healthy relationships require room for two people’s feelings, needs, and experiences.

Because the goal isn’t simply to avoid losing the relationship.

It’s to build a relationship where neither person has to lose themselves to stay connected. ❤️

#ParentingAdultChildren #FamilyRelationships #FamilyPsychology #HealthyBoundaries #AdultChildren by @dramytodey

You think you’ve finally adjusted to your adult children growing up… and then another wave of grief catches you by surprise. ❤️

Here’s something I wish more parents understood: Grief doesn’t always mean something is wrong with your relationship.

Sometimes it simply means something meaningful has changed.

And each new season of parenting adult children can bring another opportunity to grieve what was while making room for what could be.

You can celebrate their independence AND miss the closeness you once shared.

The goal isn’t to stop feeling the grief. It’s to learn how to carry it without letting it drive your relationship.

Because letting go isn’t something we do once. It’s something we learn to do again and again, with love. ❤️

Does this experience resonate with you?

#ParentingAdultChildren #EmptyNest #FamilyRelationships #LettingGo #Parenting by @dramytodey

by @dramytodey

There’s a kind of grief that comes with parenting adult children and grandparenting that we don’t talk about enough.

It’s grieving the relationship you thought you’d have with someone who’s still very much in your life.

The Sunday dinners. The holidays together. The phone calls. The role you imagined having in your grandchildren’s lives.

And sometimes, without realizing it, our disappointment about what isn’t happening begins to put pressure on the connection that still exists.

Here’s something I want you to remember:

You can grieve what you wish were different without losing sight of what’s still possible.

Acceptance doesn’t mean pretending you’re not hurt. It doesn’t mean you stop trying or that your needs don’t matter.

It means recognizing the difference between what you can influence and what you cannot control.

Because sometimes letting go of the relationship you imagined is what allows you to discover something beautiful in the relationship you can actually have. ❤️

#ParentingAdultChildren #Grandparenting #FamilyRelationships #FamilyPsychology #HealthyRelationships by @dramytodey

What if some of the pain you’re experiencing with your adult child is coming from a story you don’t even realize you’re telling yourself?

When we’re afraid of losing someone we love, our brains can become remarkably good at finding evidence that confirms our fears.

A missed call becomes rejection. A holiday spent elsewhere becomes proof we don’t matter. A short text becomes a sign that something is wrong.

And sometimes, without realizing it, we begin interpreting an entire relationship through the lens of our greatest fear.

That doesn’t mean your hurt isn’t real. And it doesn’t mean there aren’t genuine problems that need attention.

But before assuming the worst, ask yourself one powerful question:

“What else could be true?”

Sometimes changing the story we’re telling ourselves creates room for a different kind of connection. ❤️

#ParentingAdultChildren #FamilyRelationships #FamilyPsychology #AdultChildren #HealthyRelationships by @dramytodey

Nobody really prepares you for the complicated emotions that come with parenting adult children. ❤️

The fear. The grief. The helplessness. The loneliness. The guilt. The uncertainty.

And perhaps the hardest part is feeling all of these things while also being genuinely happy for the lives your children are building.

You can be proud of their independence and miss being needed.

You can celebrate their growth and grieve the closeness you once shared.

You can love who they’re becoming and still miss who they used to be.

Gratitude and grief can exist in the same heart.

And acknowledging those feelings doesn’t mean you want to hold your children back.

It means you’re human. And these relationships matter enormously.

Sometimes we don’t need someone to tell us to let go, move on, or be grateful.

Sometimes we just need permission to acknowledge that this transition is hard.

If you’re parenting adult children, which of these emotions has been the hardest for you to navigate? ❤️ by @dramytodey

What if the way you’re carrying your parenting regrets is making it harder to move forward? ❤️

There’s an important difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt says: “I did something I wish I’d done differently.”

Shame says: “I’m a bad parent.”

And that difference can change everything.

Guilt can help us take responsibility, offer meaningful apologies, and make changes that strengthen our relationships.

But shame can leave us feeling so overwhelmed by our mistakes that we become defensive, withdraw, or desperately seek reassurance from the very people we’ve hurt.

Here’s what I want parents of adult children to understand:

You can acknowledge your mistakes without allowing them to define you.

You can listen to your adult child’s pain without dismissing your own experience.

And you can take responsibility for your part without assuming responsibility for the entire relationship.

Accountability and self-compassion are not opposites. We often need both to create meaningful change.

You don’t have to rewrite the past to build a different future. ❤️

Have you ever struggled with the difference between feeling guilty about something you did and feeling ashamed of who you are? by @dramytodey

One of the greatest gifts you can give your adult children is a life of your own. ❤️

For decades, being a parent may have been the most important part of your identity. And when that role changes, it can be difficult to figure out who you are outside of it.

But building a meaningful life beyond your children isn’t just good for you. It’s good for your relationship with them.

It gives you something to lean on when relationships are strained. It reduces the pressure on your children to be responsible for your happiness. And it creates space for them to get to know you as a whole person, not just their parent.

Perhaps most importantly, it reminds them that life doesn’t stop growing and evolving when our children grow up.

You can love your children with your whole heart without making them your whole world.

Our children can be at the center of our hearts without having to be the center of our entire lives. ❤️

I’m curious: What’s something you’ve discovered or rediscovered about yourself as your children have gotten older? by @dramytodey