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Elspeth Van Der Hole

@elspethfit

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LDN 📍 tryin me best
PT, Boxing, S&C, Functional, Reformer, Holistic Coach
ADHD / Endo-Adeno / CPTSD / Grief

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I know Wembley is Zone 4 but I don’t go out in central enough anymore to join this trend so let me have it x by @elspethfit

My Dad, my aunties, my uncles, all my grandparents, so many friends far too young, my first baby 🌙

Sometimes I forget how well I mask how much I carry, I talk about my Dad and my Auntie a lot because they are the ones I long for the most - the ones I wish I could call when things are hard, and the ones whose seats feel emptiest in the happiest moments.

But truthfully I have known death more than I have know life.

I have been to more funerals than I can count on my fingers and toes.

I have had *that* phonecall over and over.

I have had those heartachingly painful nights, weeks, years, where you long for those people so much you feel like your heart might give up right there and then.

This is why I speak about the body keeping the score.

This is why I view my life through the lens of a person from their deathbed, because if you understood how many deathbeds I have sat on, including nearly my own, you’d realise how death can teach us far more about living than anything ever will.

And I’ll be damned if I sit on my deathbed with any regrets after I heard my Dad say to me aged 23 “we didn’t talk enough did we”. That might have been his story but it won’t be mine.

If you are in this club that we didn’t choose to join, I see you, it sucks, but damn it makes us live a little harder, risk a few more chances and love ruthlessly, be sensitive and messy and loud and take up space.

I often gaslight myself into thinking I’ve not had it that hard, and then I meet someone new who I have to explain my back story to, and well, maybe one day I’ll put it into a book because it’s getting a bit long to explain now 😂🌙

Ps. If you’re in the depths of grief right now, I promise you will find a reason to live again, keep going 🫶🏻 by @elspethfit

First life jacket courtesy of Uncle @blakeygoddard 😭🫶🏻🏄‍♀️ by @elspethfit

Somewhere between Sainsbury’s and Summer Bay 🤷🏼‍♀️ by @elspethfit

The sleekest evening with @beau_viva.official for their launch at @mrfoggsgb in Mayfair last night.

0% sparkling rosè, speakeasy vibes and some very good company 🥂

The trick to life is not to live for the weekend, but to always fill your weekdays with adventures too 🫶🏻🤍 pr-invite by @elspethfit

We become what is demonstrated in front of us, in our peers, our parents, our society.

I have lived a lifetime of having to return to myself in hardships, and whilst I will crumble and break I am not ashamed of that, I don’t deem it a weakness, it is a strength to allow yourself to feel so deeply that you reach parts of yourself others are so afraid to even consider exist.

At the age of 37 it has taken hard work, a LOT of hard work, to explore what I will and won’t tolerate in my life. And I wish to pass that understanding and sense of self on to my daughter in the way that I never had demonstrated to me.

So many of the women that came before us had to abandon themselves for many reasons, some I understand, some i will never make excuses for.

I have seen too many on their death beds to know that all that happens through self abandonment and cognitive dissonance is a deep knowing and regret that inevitably finds you on your last days. I won’t do that to myself, my inner child, or pass those burdens on to my daughter. Unlike those who came before me, I will rewrite the dna and heal what I can heal sooner than I will expect my descendants to bear the brunt of the suppression my ancestors weren’t brave enough to face.

I will keep returning to myself in every chapter, every phase, and whilst with adhd comes a sense of rejection sensitivity, with CPTSD comes chronic pain and wounding that reopens with every redirection, what I have learnt through all of that is that some people will never respect you because they only see themselves. And that’s okay, because that is simply not your problem to change.

Incredibly grateful for my daughter, husband, dogs, friends and my own soul for keeping me alive this week, it’s been a lot. It will continue to be a lot. And as usual I will continue to keep trying to get back up and go again, even when I am in pain. by @elspethfit

🖤🖤 by @elspethfit

btw when I preach that exercise is there as a tool to save your life and you need to use that for your mental health before you even consider using it for aesthetics, it’s because I have been to the darkest depths and I know that when you need to move to avoid suic*dal ideations, you don’t care how small your waist is or if you have a thigh gap. You just want to stay alive a little longer. ✨ by @elspethfit

🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I will ignore your call regardless if you don’t text me first to say it’s coming x by @elspethfit

My inner child is hurting a lot at the moment, so I’m trying to remember to listen to her a bit more.

Grief anniversaries, big life shifts, feeling like so many of friends are so far away, seasons changing, really painfully sad things in the world near and far, it’s all a lot.

I’m an emotional girly always have been, always will be.

I always knew it would be triggering having a daughter after everything I have been through, but I never considered the trigger would just be feeling a deep deep empathy for everything this little girl deserved, and still does deserve. Everything she should have been kept safe from and continued to be loved by the people who were supposed to love her.

Trying to lean into the messy. The world feels very loud and very quiet all in one 🤍 by @elspethfit

Sundays are for babyccinos at @dirty_blonde_coffee and taking the 🏀 to the 🏉 by @elspethfit

that email can wait until Monday hun

Maybe even make it Tuesdays problem

Treat yasel x by @elspethfit