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Trash Gremlin (Becky)

@emo_koolaid

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i fart a lot
previvor 🗡
pop punk kid✌️
6669🖤🗑

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One year ago today, I made the decision to save myself from a life of constant doctors appointments and the what ifs. I chose the flat life over the unknown. Left my old body behind and gained a new one. Now I am here, healthy as can be (in the chest area) and have zero regrets for the decision i made. Not one moment of this journey has been easy, but I'd like to think it's been worth it. I will never be ashamed of my scars or who sees them. My scars are proof that I am alive and still here. My body is art. It is beautiful and i will not hide away because it makes others uncomfortable. I am in my survivor era. My bra free era. My cancer free era. My warrior era. My bad ass era. My shirtless era. My idgaf era.

To my lovely flatties, I promise you this:
You are desirable. You are beautiful. You are not deformed or less of a woman because your breasts are gone. You are a survivor. Please, never hide away because this society tells you you need to. Flash that chest. Walk with pride. Keep your head high. We are the flat and feral women they warn others about.
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Thank you Tom for these GORGEOUS photos of me. You are too good to me, love🧡
📷: @tomgullstrand
#previvor #flatandferal #idgaf #cancerfree #photography by @emo_koolaid

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3 days ago

2013-2025. 11 years of battling eating disorders, shame, anorexia, body dysmorphia and now a double mastectomy. Each year has been filled with hardship, new scars, pain and growth. Not one of these years have been easy. In front of each smile is a mask I wore to spare others from my thoughts and emotions. Hidden behind each photo were stories that not everyone knows about. Some I will take to my grave. New scars and stretch marks. Abuse and bruises. Even new white hairs lol. Through each trial I have learned a new lesson that has made me who I am today. I truly believe that every tribulation I went through was building me for these last few months. Truth be told, I never started grieving my body until last week. Last Friday, I put on a cute Santa outfit, only to fall to the ground and cried a piercing cry. I cried out in agony, calling myself ugly. Even though the cry was painful, it was needed. I needed that moment to finally feel what I have been avoiding. I have stayed strong bc I feel as if what I went thru wasn't that big of a deal. I feel as though I've been given a chance I don't deserve. A slap on the wrist. But the thing is, it is a HUGE deal. For 2026, I intend to celebrate myself and the battles I have overcome.

I appreciate each and every person who has come alongside me and caught every tear that I have shed. Not one hug, text, call or smile has gone unnoticed. I love you all🖤💓🖤

#previvor #preventativehealth #citizensoldier #doublemastectomy #anorexicrecovery #bodydysmorphia #bodypositive ##edrecovery #warrior #iamenough #scars #inmybrafreeera #flatgirlshit #beautyinthedarkness by @emo_koolaid

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10 months ago

✨️This is some real Instagram vs Reality crap. I knew the beach would be hard with my new body. But I can truly say that I felt beautiful and simultaneously uncomfortable at the same time. In the second and last photos I am smiling and I did feel free, but I also felt deformed. My breasts were never big, perky, but not big. So with them being gone, there's nothing to balance out my stomach. Leaning back I look normal. Sitting forward I look fat and odd. I have always struggled in my skin and summer is truly a huge trigger for me. I will pick apart every inch of my body until there's nothing left. I hate that part about me. I know I am beautiful with or without boobs. It's just a matter of making my brain work the right way. One things for sure, I felt really happy when the photos were taken. I was soaking up the sun with friends, laughing and people watching. I had so much fun I forgot I had no breasts.

Anyways. Here's to summer and my glowing smile✨️

#summer #bodydysmorphia #previvor #doublemastectomy #beachdays by @emo_koolaid

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4 months ago

Come hang out with us TONIGHT at the coolest bar in Long Branch, @mywaycafelb ! Hosted by your faves, @damianrucci @ikanthegelindeezpants .

List goes up at 7, show kicks @730. Open mic, free show. Come buy some beers and watch talent go on

Better see yall there or @tomgullstrand will fight you or you'll miss his gr8 photography

#njpoetryrenaissance #twistedgiftsphotography #dirtyjerseypoetry #poetryofınstagram #comediansofinstagram by @emo_koolaid

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6 days ago

I squat at the gym so I can do that photo angle in the first shot🫠🖤

📷: my dear friend, @tomgullstrand🥀

#photography #njphotographer #potd #fypppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp #poetsofinstagram by @emo_koolaid

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9 days ago

Tell me, what would you do to make the screaming finally stop?

📷: the lovely sea creature themselves, @shrimpyjack 🖤🦐✨️

Also, s/o to Carl for making a cameo in this. What a beautiful man he is 🥵
#poetsofinstagram #poetryofınstagram #fypppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp #potd #njpoetryrenaissance by @emo_koolaid

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10 days ago

Last night was a banger at @stoneddojotr we will be announcing the October Puff Puff Poems within the next few days 💨🔥 taken in Toms River, New Jersey by @emo_koolaid

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10 days ago

Almost a year ago (15 days left) I was put on hold with my fitness journey. The gym makes me so happy. While it isn't a cure to my mental illnesses or autism, it helps regulate so much of me that medicine cannot.

These photos won't mean much to those who's muscles look stronger, and bigger. However, to me, they are everything. What you don't see, in these photos, are how much weight I can finally lift again. The smith bar is 20lbs and I added another 20lbs because I am strong enough too. I am a sweaty, hot mess. Emphasis on mess more than hot lol. Today was a win for me.

When I was first approved to lift again, I could only do 5lbs on each side of the bar. Now, the fact that I can do 40lbs means EVERYTHING to me. Have a gr8 days folks. Never lose hope. You will get there again🖤🥀✨️

#previvor #doublemastectomy #gymbabe #gymmotivation #fypppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp by @emo_koolaid

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18 days ago

✨️September so far✨️

Finally get to enjoy fall after years of feeling trapped and alone. I am grateful to be where I am today and that I am able to love life again. Last fall, my life was flipped upside down in the best way possible. Although I was depressed and suicidal, I made it out. I am thankful to be here another day. Thankful to finally at a place where I put myself first. Thankful to say that I escaped turmoil and abuse. But mostly, I am thankful to the people who stood by me when my life was falling apart in secret🥀🖤

#September #fall #happinesslooksgoodonyou #healing #narcsurvivor by @emo_koolaid

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20 days ago

I just love flowers and my friends so much. I don't know what I'd do without either✨️🌻💖🌸✨️

#photography #hollandridgefarms #sunflowers #potd #flowerslovers by @emo_koolaid

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24 days ago

You hated the first photo when the bartender handed my phone back to me. You told me to delete it and take another. But my God, I wish you could have seen yourself through my eyes. Everything about you was beautiful, even the parts you hated. Your snort lives rent free in my head on endless repeat. I miss you everyday, my love.

Suicide doesn't just end your life, it also puts a halt on everyone else's as well. Not a day goes by where I don't wonder what I could have done differently to prevent this. Suicide doesn't just end your suffering, it also creates unending pain for those you leave behind. I have spent the last 9 months in agony and guilt as I play out different ways I could have saved her. I think about her intentionally and unintentionally. Her smile and laugh reside in my heart. And this pain? My gosh is it so heavy. Oftentimes I find myself wondering how I'm supposed to get thru this. And even though some days are easier than others, the pain of her being gone for good, linger. It is like cancer spreading thru my body.

I will never say suicide is selfish. I know what it's like to be so close to the edge that death is already holding you. What i will say is that it's not the only way out of the darkness. When you leave us behind, we spend the rest of our days contemplating what could have done differently to keep you here with us. We carry you with us spiritually instead of physically. We hold onto your funeral card instead of your hand.

Please if you cannot find a way out on your own, reach out to me. I can't promise I will answer right away, but what I will say is this: I would rather sit by you thru your darkness, then see someone make a post about you yearly.

6669 forever🖤🥀🕊
#suicideprevention #suicideawareness #youareloved #yourlifematters #hopeisdefiant by @emo_koolaid

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a month ago

Suicide prevention is every month for me. Heck, it is every waking moment of my life. I have contemplated hitting the self-destruct button more times than I can count. I have imagined my own funeral more than I'd like to admit. So many little things than are small to others, are huge for me. Train tracks, NyQuil, razors, hospitals, mountain tops, and so many more, are huge triggers for me. I have tons of scars that are visible to the naked eye, but the deepest ones you will never see. Not because I am ashamed, rather, they exist in the darkest parts of my psyche. If people could have a slight glimpse to the inner workings inside my mind, they would fully understand what I mean when I say I am tired.

Two words i will use to describe me are sheer persistence. I continue on not because I want to, but because I deserve to. I am in debt to myself. I will come out on the other side, despite the days when my mind attacks itself. I will push past the thoughts telling me that I am better off dead. I will fight the long defeat because I refuse to be another statistic. Because I don't want the people I love to blame themselves or wonder what more they could have done to save me. Because there are so many things I have yet to do or see. Because I am worth the fight💙💜💙

📷: @tomgullstrand 🥀

#suicidesurvivor #bpd #suicidepreventionmonth #poetsofinstagram #photography by @emo_koolaid

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a month ago