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Evita PK

@evitapkcoaching

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I help daughters of narcissistic parents unlearn what they were taught about their worth & what kind of life is possible for them.

HEAL 👇

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If you are ready to make a small step towards meeting your invisible self, I have a beautiful experience in my offerings page called Meeting the Invisible Self; a hypnotic experience for unmothered daughters 💜

Here's some feedback I got for this experience:

“I enjoyed this experience immensely and found it very useful. I hold so many of my painful childhood memories in my subconscious and, for so many years, convinced myself that our family loved each other so much, but in reality, it was codependence and dysfunction. Doing this hypnosis exercise reaffirmed that I am loveable and can be my genuine self without trying to convince others that I am worthy - I am seen, heard, understood, and loved. I have been saying no to others and yes to me. Yes, to me before anyone else. I am breaking the bonds of codependency and taking care of myself.” #codependency #healing #healingjourney by @evitapkcoaching

When I was born, my mother had her 3rd c-section birth in 5 years - afraid she’d die, was living in a country that wasn’t her home, all alone, disconnected from her support system & absolutely overwhelmed with being a mother.

The first face I met was hers; she always had this frowned, helpless look. Like she was put somewhere she didn’t want to be. She looked disconnected & absolutely overwhelmed.

Growing up I always felt like a burden.
Like there was no space or capacity for my feelings.
Like my feelings are too much for people.
I always had this feeling of being disconnected & left alone to navigate my inner experience.
I had no idea how to put feelings into words & then have someone actually do something helpful with it.

The grief of growing up in this absolute solitude- alone with your entire experience is massive & has many, many layers to it.

But looking through your history opens up a door for you to meet yourself through others: why you felt what you felt & then, understand, why they in turn felt the way they did. And then you make sense. And you know. And you begin to have a relationship with yourself, & others.

Want support? I got a Black Friday special going on: 10% OFF the 3 month coaching package 📦 -

NOTE: this work is no joke. This is deep, transformative, real work.
Link in bio for bookings & info ✨ by @evitapkcoaching

In the meantime - I have a whole playlist on narcissistic mothers - as my beef with them & what they do to theie daughters is endless ✨ by @evitapkcoaching

If the “good girl” learns to earn love through behavior, the female body becomes another place where those rules are enforced.

Because from an early age, many girls receive a quiet but persistent message:

Your body is a problem to manage; it must be controlled, hidden, disciplined, improved, constantly monitored (& of course, starved).

And then, so much of our experience becomes a POV - how do others perceive us & how they feel when they do. If we are too sexy or, sexual we are shameful.
Too visible, wou are inviting attention - too aging, and you are losing value.

Over time, the body stops feeling like a place you live in but it becomes a project you must constanlty work on.

Something that must be carefully curated to remain acceptable.
So we end up carrying so much shame, that isn't even ours to begin with, but we were passed on to;

Shame around sexuality.
Shame around desire.
Shame around aging.
Shame around menstruation, childbirth, & the simple reality of having a human body... but specifically, the body of a woman. Which supposedly holds "sin", is disgusting when it ages, when it's "fat", when it's no longer complying to whatever beauty trends dictate us to look like.

Basically, all of what is natural about us & our evolution as growing humans (who also, grow humans inside our own bodies) we must somehow hide, avoid - & shame. Many women grow up absorbing the idea that their value rises and falls with how well they manage this body.

So what do we do? We try to stay youthful, desirable, modest... whatever the invisible man in our head expects us to be -

What would we do, if we weren't so obsessed with looking a certain way? by @evitapkcoaching

The good girl is not born, although, innate "goodness" is a default, the goodness we are refering to here, is trained.

How she is trained? Well, first of all, she learns early that love is not something she simply receives — it is something she must earn.

Earn through behavior, politeness, helpfulness & of course, obedience.

In many homes, approval becomes tied to how well a girl performs the role expected of her. And I feel like we all know exactly what that feels like. The messaging may be subtle, or very obvious but we are expected to be good, & by good I mean -

Be agreeable, polite, accommodating, don't make trouble, don’t be difficult.
Don’t embarrass the family (by having needs, or doing things we don't approve of - even if, your brothers are held in obvious different standards...!)

Over time, these messages shape a powerful internal rule:

If I am good enough, I will be loved.

But what does “good” actually mean in this context?

Often it means suppressing parts of yourself that might disrupt harmony. So what do we do? The natural expressions we have of anger are translated as disrespect.
Our very normal desire for independence is seen as rebellion &, our boundaries (if we ever decide to set any!) are accused as selfishness.

Probably the "worst thing" we can be called - right? (often from the most selfish people we know, too).

The good girl becomes skilled at reading the room, adapting, pleasing & performing.

And for a while, this strategy works.

It protects connection.
It avoids conflict.
It earns approval.

But the cost is that love begins to feel conditional, because it very much is tied not to who you are, but to how well you maintain the role... which, can be exhausting to keep on performing, don't you think?

Time to heal & free yourself from the conditioning that has you trying to earn love & approval since you were a little girl - links in bio to get you started by @evitapkcoaching

While the narcissistic mother often becomes the enforcer of social expectations within the home, the narcissistic father frequently embodies the authority those expectations are built around. Basically, the world & the family system revolves around him.

In a patriarchal system, men are positioned as leaders, protectors & decision-makers. And somehow (although you'd expect differently), their needstend to carry greater weight within the family.

A narcissistic father often expects admiration, obedience & loyalty from his family members particularly from his children, but most specifically, their daughters. Their "good" daughters as a proof of goodness must be of service to him - or else, what did he train them for?

A daughter of a narcissistic father who, upholds patriarchal ideals will learn early through him that:

• male authority should not be challenged
• male anger must be carefully managed
• male approval must be earned
• male attention determines her worth

All of these things coincide with patriarchy's expectations of women, right? Making it so that this father, is essentially preparing his daughter for her place in a society that doesn't really value her besides, of how much it can exploit her.

Healing childhood conditioning helps us untangle whatever conditioning we were subjected to. And for daughters of narcissistic parents - the conditioning is deeper than just *trauma* as it falls over to patriarchal indoctrination - links in bio to get you started by @evitapkcoaching

The narcissistic mother is the queen of patriarchy.

Obeyed her way through a system that crowned her with the ultimate (& only) authority she can ever have; over her children.

So here she is, given full permission to abuse, overpower, control, edit, sensor - do everything that was done to her, to a mini version of herself - navigating her own self-hatred & internalized misogyny by projecting it all onto her defenseless daughter.

For a narcissistic mother, her daughter’s independence can feel threatening, her ambition can feel rebellious, & her authenticity can feel dangerous -

Because if the daughter breaks the rules, it forces the mother to confront the ones she herself had to obey.

She may have been crowned "queen" - but this woman, is not free - or in power - as she assumes to be. She is abusive, self hating, & completely unaware of herself & her impact.

She may have overpowered you your entire life, but now you've grown, haven't you? She can no longer overpower you, if you - are no longer vulnurable to her abuse, in denial of who she is & what she did to you & oblivious to your own innate, power.

Take on the reins of your own self & life.

HEAL your conditioning & set yourself free - links in bio to get you started. by @evitapkcoaching

You weren’t raised to be yourself. You were raised to be who others needed you to be. And in many cases, who they needed you to be was shaped by something much bigger than just your family… It was shaped by patriarchy.

And the first agents of patriarchy? Your parents. Particularly & specifically, your narcissistic & emotionally immature parents who, didn't question the norms they were given but instead, placed themselves right into the system of authority they helped uphold by, exercising said authority &, training you.

By the way - even "loving" parents can raise their children in ways that reflect emotional immaturity, narcissism, or unconscious loyalty to a system that trains girls to shrink as these are well intertwined with everything around us &, in preparation to help us succeed at life, a lot of parents will point toward the direction we are expected to go to.

Narcissistic parenting and patriarchy are deeply intertwined. In both of these systems you are experiencing similar dynamics;

Your feelings, needs, and desires are inconvenient unless they serve the one in charge.

You are praised for obedience, not authenticity. To be a good girl. Don’t talk back. Smile. Be polite. Make everyone comfortable.

You learn that love is earned through performance so you turn into someone who is always pleasing others, is selfless, helpful & of course, small.

If you were raised in a home like this, then what you learned wasn't just “how to survive your family” but you learned how to survive in a world that still upholds these ideals. Trained for the role of supporting actress in everyone else's life, (never the main character in your own)

Time to change that, don't you think?

Deconstruct, decondition, HEAL, & set yourself free already - LINKS to start in bio by @evitapkcoaching

Oh yes - it is, actually *that deep*.

Let's first define patriarchy so that we are all on the same page here:

Patriarchy is a concept that turned into a societal structure, the upholds the principles of authority, hierarchy, control, and dominance.

It is a value system that shapes how families operate, how children are raised, and what behaviors are rewarded or punished.

A lot of us understand patriarchy to just be a broader way to explain what men "in charge" is, but it is more than that, although - men (& their power) are in the center of patriarchy.

In a patriarchal system, men are typically encouraged toward authority, control, and emotional restraint (not expressing their emotions). Women, on the other hand, are often socialized toward compliance, caretaking, & emotional accommodation (mostly, men's uncontrollable & dysregulated emotions - especially the one of anger).

Patriarchy has been infiltrated into everything, the way we think about ourselves, the way we are raised, what is expected of us, what our lives should look like & what will supposedly be making us happy.

Conveniently, it's to fall inline with what seems to be our only job in this world; birth children & serve men. No mention about pursuing dreams, finding fulfillment outside of our families, redesigning & re imagining a life that feels right for us.

HEAL out of your conditioning & walk into your own power through a transformational healing journey made specifically for women - link in bio for resources. by @evitapkcoaching

I get a lot of questions from people asking, why do I insist on teaching about narcissistic parents & about patriarchy.
Truth is, I am not here to convert or teach anyone anything they aren't willing to explore within themselves.

In my opinion, women rejecting the very notion of patriarchy are too far gone for me to help - I am not here to open anyone's eyes if they insist on keeping them shut.

I am here to put words in the experience of women who are aware - awake & know there's an underlying force that has dictated our lives. And more specifically, I am here to help women HEAL - women who are willing to follow the threads that take them back to their parenting.

These are the women I can help; those who are awakening. Who want to deconstruct. Who want to see the truth - who want to go deep into their past, rescue themselves & come out the otherside taking responsibility of themselves.

Women who are willing to allow some of their current life's structures crumble, because once you see, you cannot unsee.

But I want to clarify something; the reason I teach about it all isn't because I want you to hate men, or hate your parents, or live the life *I* will choose for you - it's because I want you to have your eyes wide open, to no longer be in denial about who is who - & - as a consequence, you become FREE.

Free to choose whatever life you want, whatever life suits you, whatever makes *YOU* happy - & even if thats' taking care of your parents, becoming their full time carer &/or marriage & 8 kids - if you go for it, I want it to be because YOU want it.

Not because you are following scripts, you are trying to be a good girl, a good daughter, a good woman.

Not because you have no other access to "feeling worthy" or good enough.

But because YOU want it.

A healed woman can't be controlled. She can say no. She can disappoint. She can choose herself even if it's uncomfortable. I currently have 2 free email courses in support of women who want to heal - find them in my bio - by @evitapkcoaching

I shared a reel the other day about a man who was saying how he loves taking care of his parents now that they are old.

He was cooking meals, they were sitting all together eating and having conversations.

My impression was instantly that, those parents, had been so good to this man, that's why he wants to spend time with them and enjoys it. I mean, it was even obvious by how they spoke to him now, all these years later.

Someone replied to that reel: "Is this how it should be? Makes me feel guilty for not taking care of them. But, our family was very dysfunctional". Loving our parents into their later years isn't a negative thing, and would have been the natural evolution to our relationships, - even without societal pressure, had these parents not been so incredibly abuse to us.

To be honest, a lot of the parents who have estranged kids are actually if anything - off the hook for what they did to their children.

Meaning, they should be thankful their children chose estrangement and not revenge.

And I believe a lot of you here know that, if you had treated your own parents they way they treated you when you were vulnurable, that would have been considered abuse, inhumane, cruel.

Anyway,

Eventually, you will see that you deserve better than to continue to tolerate abuse in the name of either loyalty, or being seen by the world as a "good daughter".

Eventually, the "guilt" of letting them go is something you can tolerate more than be subjected to abuse, ridicule, constant judgement and unnecessary pain they continue to inflict on you, no matter how old they are, or, how much THEY now need you.

Until you do, you will need to remind yourself that, being their victim when you were a child wasn't your choice. You needed them, in order to survive.. but you aren't that child anymore. You have resources, choices, and hopefully an awareness that you deserve better than to be treated so horribly for your entire life.

Childhood was more than enough & look at how that has impacted you &, is impacting you still.

TIME TO HEAL & MOVE ON.
Grab my FREE healing course through bio to get you started. by @evitapkcoaching

It's subtle - but victims are questioned, under the pretence of "wanting to open up a dialogue on the topic".

The validity of their abuse is questioned, pretending "curiosity", or - wanting to truly understand.

And, whether what they went through was actually abusive enough to be deemed "estrangement worthy" - becomes something OTHERS must decide,

Because, it seems that the victim's evaluation of their own victimization isn't valid enough.

Invalidation, minimisation, shaming ....all part of what abuse is.

The system we live in is drenched in protecting abusers - patriarchal systems uphold the stance that those "older" are always favoured & ultimately protected whereas those younger & vulnurable are to be "followers", to be controlled, & - used.

Those who stand with abusers, are preaching "a higher truth" - masking the expectation that we.all fall back in line & make sure, that our parents, no matter how they treated us - don't die alone.

A grander scheme that keeps us captive to performing good girl, good daugher - "grateful child" - till the end of our parents life.

And, then - we get to live however we want. Right?

What has happened collectively is that the world has been naming abuse, & with naming abuse, the natural byproduct is to be awakened to the abuse so viscerally, that it is impossible to stay in proximity with abusers.

It is impossible to continue to tolerate disrespect.
To be treated as if you have no value, - no dignity.

And I hope we continue on this path, not of forgiveness & devotion to abusers & culturaly enforced expectations to stay loyal to a family that was only loyal to their on self-righteousness - but, on unapologetically claming our lives, as our own.

Claiming our worth.
Our dignity.

And no matter how late it may seem, that we finally learn how to love, respect & honor ourselves.

Something our parents never did for us -

You deserve to HEAL.

And if you want - I'll be guiding you through a powerful, life changing journey of healing & deconstruction through HEAL 2.0 - find it in my links. by @evitapkcoaching