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lauren hadaway

@existentialtexan

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writer/director of THE NOVICE
fueled by existential dread & whiskey
your neighborhood barroom astrologist ©

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New poster. December 17th. If you can see this in a theater, please do. I’m a nerd about the sound, as some of you may know. @thenovicemovie @ifcfilms @isabellefur

#thenovice #ifcfilms by @existentialtexan

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5 years ago

Just happy to be here by @existentialtexan

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5 years ago

The Novice is out on Netflix today! Go watch. Here’s some BTS taken in Peterborough, Ontario by @existentialtexan

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3 years ago

Froze my eggs! 9 of them, at least. 🐣🐣💉

It wasn’t until I started this process and TMI blabbed (as I do) to everyone under the sun that I realized I knew so many people who had already done it or were considering. And how many more were like me who had zero idea how any of this works.

There can be a lot of shame and vulnerability around this process, and around how “successful” you are in terms of how many mature eggs you get - some of that I experienced when I got 18 retrieved, but only 9 mature. I’m grateful for that number, but they said typically 80% are mature, so I got my hopes up a bit. (FYI - 9 may sound like plenty, but not all of those eggs will survive thawing, not all the survivors will make embryos, not all of those embryos will be healthy, and not all the healthy embryos will implant - so you want as many eggs as you can get. Ideally 15-20.)

I know I’m not an obvious maternal figure, but I’ve always wanted a kid. Navigating a notoriously unstable career, personal ambition, romance trials and tribulations, being queer, and approaching 37, it felt like now or never. I learned so much about my body during this, and found stabbing myself twice a day with needles decently empowering. 🤰🏼💉✨

While I did this alone, I had a lot of friends and community support and encouragement. Special shoutouts to @babyquestgrants for the grant that allowed me to do this, @glutenfreebreadwinner for recommending I apply to the grant in the first place, and @iranimami for taking me for my 6:30-fucking-AM retrieval appt. (First time ever being knocked out! Great nap.) It takes a village, or something.

BabyQuest actually has more egg freezing grants right now than usual. They also provide grants for IVF and infertility related things, to both straight and gay couples and singles. (Applications are currently open until September.)

If anyone has any questions about the egg freezing process or the grant please feel free to comment or DM. I am an obnoxiously open book. (Also, there’s more in my highlights!) by @existentialtexan

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2 months ago

June was a million years long in the best way.
-didn’t get a lot of writing done, but sometimes you gotta live to have something *to* write about
-saw heated rivarly and decided i wanted a lesbian Ilya Rozanav bod by summer
-new + old friends, community expansion
-fashion inspo: post-y2k paris hilton b!mbo meets shane from l word fuccboi
-pool 🎱 and pools 💦
-100oz h20, 100g protein, 25g fiber, 10k steps per day
-(but also, tequila)
-🌈 dancing, shenanigans
-birds, mountains
-not pictured: so much.
onward

🐦‍⬛🦅🌴🌊 👁️💅🏻💃🕺🛼🏋️‍♀️🏊‍♂️ 🥗🥦🍓🍉 🏀 by @existentialtexan

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3 months ago

Look book. Cosplaying personalities. Efforts to distract from the existential angst and ennui. Sometimes successful. ~last 6 months, but who’s counting. by @existentialtexan

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2 years ago

Q2ish portraits of angst roundup. AKA livin the dReAm (ironically), AKA you choose your ✨suffering✨, AKA I love Los Angeles

In pictographs: 🌎❤️‍🔥🔨😵‍💫🪫⌨️🤡💥👯‍♀️🌈😊🥰🤓⚡️💫 by @existentialtexan

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2 years ago

8 years ago I didn’t have a queer friend to my name. Didn’t know where to meet one much less date one. Had no community and felt very alone. Yesterday I went to a park with 1000s of queers, ran into dozens of friends and acquaintances and some exes and exes of exes and a dozen people I’ve matched with on hinge and never spoke to. And I think that’s beautiful ✨ Happy Pride to my friends and community. You fill my heart and keep me sane when everything else is an absolute shit show 🌈 and thank you to @dykedayla for this yearly gathering of exes and friends taken in Sycamore Grove Park by @existentialtexan

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2 years ago

Impulsive 2 month sabbatical to New Zealand and all I got was slapped by god. Part 2 of 2: horizontals.

Nothing cures existential angst like flinging yourself down the Maslow hierarchy of needs. But who needs proper shelter, food, or rest when there’s a mossy dewy forest glowing in golden hour light? With no bears to kill you and no sane people willing to brave the rain, you are free to frolic in the forest where you just might seize hold of your long lost inner child.

Fun fact: as charming and friendly as kiwis are on two legs, within the metal confines of their motor vehicles they transform into Mr. Hydes who *will* GTA your pedestrian ass over. No suing here, so best mind the gap. But I hear if you lose a limb you get 11k. taken in New Zealand by @existentialtexan

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2 years ago

Impulsive 2 month sabbatical to New Zealand and all I got was slapped by god. Part 1 of 2: verticals.

Some of these sights brought literal tears to my eyes. I also cried on the bus to Hobbiton, the last leg of our journey, because of how the music swelled just as we sat. (We were *exhausted*.)

Fun fact: there are no native mammals in New Zealand and these days they sure do love to kill all the fuzzy invasives in the name of ecological protections. Both admirable and jarring. This is a country of nuance. ✨ taken in New Zealand by @existentialtexan

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2 years ago

Fit check. by @existentialtexan

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3 years ago

Just vibes honestly taken in Mt. Wilson Peak by @existentialtexan

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3 years ago