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Andrew Fayad

@fayad

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Kuala Lumpur | NYC
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The silence after “any questions?” may be full of others just as lost as we are.

Psychologists Dale Miller and Cathy McFarland studied this. Groups of people were given something hard to follow and told they could ask for help. Nobody did. People blamed their own silence on fear of looking foolish, and read everyone else’s silence as proof the others understood. They called it pluralistic ignorance. (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1987)

A caveat worth saying: this was a small lab study, so it shows the pattern, not how often it happens in daily life.

“You cannot live off just being informed, which is a fake knowing.”
— Dhyan Vimal, Living in Transformation

Nodding keeps us looking informed. It also keeps us from finding out.

What’s the last thing we nodded at without understanding? by @fayad

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4 days ago

Filthy mirror taken in Williamsburg NYC by @fayad

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4 years ago

Three questions to come back to ourselves. When the day starts running us instead of the other way around.

“It is always a victory march, not a march to victory.”
— Dhyan Vimal, Science of Transformation

Save this for later. by @fayad

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6 days ago

Sunsets this time of year 🫣 taken in South Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NYC by @fayad

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3 years ago

What if the worst thing that happened to us can never define us unless we let it?

“Yes, that happened to me, but it didn’t make me, I am the one who experienced it.”
– Dhyan Vimal, Science of Transformation

“No matter what has been said to me, whatever reaction that I have gone through, whatever experiences I have gone through, it is not all me, I am.”

The practice in the lesson is to take one past experience, look at it without denying it, and see that it isn’t all of us.

A wake stays behind the boat. It doesn’t steer it.

Which part of our story have we let become all of us? by @fayad

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7 days ago

I had to post something for 2024 👋 taken in South Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NYC by @fayad

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2 years ago

Most of these habits started as a way to feel safe. We’re only now checking what they cost. And I’m the first to admit how much these have cost me.

Most of them were learned early, and for good reasons. Going along kept us included. Saying nothing kept the evening calm. Not all of them need to go. Some we’re keeping, but consciously this time.

The couples study followed 80 young couples for two weeks, and it can’t say the hiding caused anything. A later study found that for people whose sense of self is closely tied to others, holding back during a sacrifice went with feeling better, not worse.

“If someone asks you do you know you? You can answer that I don’t. I am trying to find out.”
– Dhyan Vimal, Science of Transformation

Which habit hits home for you? by @fayad

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8 days ago

by @fayad

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3 years ago

Nobody ever told us what to do with everything we pick up.

“Too sensitive” usually lands like a judgment. But most of us didn’t choose it. We learned early whose mood would decide the evening, which sigh meant stay out of the way, when to smile and keep going.

Even one-year-olds take on their mother’s stress in their bodies, long before they have a word for it.

Krishnamurti never treated sensitivity as something to toughen up. In the same passage, he says that to learn is to be sensitive to ourselves and to the world around us.

Maybe the work isn’t to feel less. Maybe it’s knowing which part belongs to us.

Which one did we feel first? by @fayad

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9 days ago

🕺 taken in Malaysia by @fayad

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2 years ago

Saying yes to plans we’re dreading is so common that 77% of people in one study admitted doing it.

Researchers Julian Givi and Colleen Kirk wanted to know what a no actually costs. In five experiments with more than 2,000 people, the person turning down an invitation expected the other side to be far more upset than they were. The people doing the inviting were mostly thinking about the reasons given. One study had couples decline real invitations from each other, and the gap held however long they had been together. A caveat worth saying: most of the experiments asked people to imagine the invitation, and the couples study is the one that used real ones. (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2024)

Dhyan Vimal, in Simirthi: “If someone can make you deny your no, they have made you deny you and you have participated in it.”

So the dread at the invitation may have less to do with the other person than with the one we’re picturing in our head.

Which yes this week wasn’t ours? by @fayad

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10 days ago

Not ready for winter 🤑 taken in New York, New York by @fayad

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3 years ago