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Fernando A Funes

@fernandoafunes

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Now booking for Boo It Again on 10/17 at 9pm at The Stray!

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Hey everyone, I need your help!

A lot of you may not know this, but I’m in grad school!

I’m doing an MFA in Creative Writing at Chapman University!

(I may get a MA in English too!)

It’s my second semester right now, and I need to come up with some funds for urgent administrative fees I need to pay very soon.

I mean I also need money for books, coffee, and gas, so I appreciate help with that too!

Anything you can throw my way is appreciated, so please donate whatever you can.

You can Venmo me at @Fernando-Funes-1.

And if you have my phone number you can Zelle me.

(You can DM me for my phone number)

Other ways to support me?

I’ll be teaching sketch and improv again very soon, so keep an eye out for classes. I can also coach your improv group, direct your sketch team, or do private coaching for all things writing and comedy.

Or if you need help with a piece of writing, I’m more than happy to sit down with you and give you feedback on your college papers, poems, essays, short stories, or whatever – I’m here to help.

So if you can help me out, I’d really appreciate it!

This is the first week of school, so I have to get on this!

Doing this MFA super low budget, so I have to scrimp and save to pay for it when I don’t have enough work to cover urgent fees.

Appreciate any help you can throw my way!

#writer #poet #writer #mfa #gradstudent by @fernandoafunes

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4

8 months ago

Poem 285 for 2026

Coming out of retirement:
sometimes you don't know
what you've given up on
until you can't remember
why you stopped
and all dwarfed by a desire to return
because you left something
in that arena that you want to get back.

285.2026 #poem #return by @fernandoafunes

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20 hours ago

Poem 284 for 2026

My grief is no longer having you in my life.
My relief is no longer having you in my life.
My prison sentence is no longer having you in my life.

Your memory is a burden I have created for myself.
I am vexed by the little things of you only I know
– how you laughed, the little jokes you'd like to play
how you feigned docility around me to assuage
my fragile adolescent masculinity but being
able to put me in my place in a heartbeat –
or that at least I delude myself as
possessing exclusive knowledge.

No one is exclusive to anyone in this life.
We belong to no one and to everyone at once.
The need to possess is the need to control;
the need to control is the fear of being hurt.
We hurt each other all the time and didn't know it.

Your need to possess me pushed me away
and my obsession with you repulsed you.
When I ran, you chased.
When I chased, you got bored.
When we just were: it was pure bliss.
No one was going to win
because everyone was going to lose.

I wanted what I couldn't have
and you wanted a version of me I could not sustain.
No one would budge. Pride and being right
was more important than figuring it out.
But that's life huh?

I wasn't going to change for you
and you weren't going to change for me.
We were selfish in our self preservation
and in the end that's what destroyed us.
No concessions if it meant admitting
I wanted you more than you wanted me
or you saying, "Please stay."
F@#k.

Oh well. What can you do but move on.
I move on and then a song will come on
and I'm a mess. But I have my pride and self respect
and the consequences of my decision.
And that will have to do for the rest of my life.

284.2026 #poem #grief by @fernandoafunes

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2 days ago

Poem 283 for 2026

Showing up is everything.
It's the beginning of everything
that will become everything.
Just because you don't know
all the facts yet is no reason not to start.
Start and you'll figure it out as you go along.

283.2026 #poem #life by @fernandoafunes

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3 days ago

Poem 282 for 2026

The banality and simplicity
and loquaciousness of
Trader Joe's Chocolate Covered Wafer Cookie
is a smokescreen for multiple sins.

First, it covers the embarrassment of
of selling a Kit Kat rip off in its hipster aligned
grocery stores. Kit Kat, a massively popular
chocolate covered candy bar, does not need
an alternative and ironic facade to sell itself.
It's not Twix.

Second, Kit Kat's simple name structure
(two words, two syllables, and six letters)
and catchy name (Kit Kat dances off the tongue)
only reveals how clunky and bureaucratic
Trader Joe's Chocolate Covered Wafer Cookie is
(A preposterous six words, 12 syllables, and 37 letters).
Kit Kat is fun to say! Trader Joe's Chocolate Covered Wafer Cookie is something you say in a mirror three times
if you want to summon mediocrity.

Third, Trader Joe's Chocolate Covered Wafer Cookie
is a cover for the packaging department's moral and
creative cowardice for not creating a catchier name.
Lean into the rip off: call it Chonk Chonk, Kim and Matt
Pit Pat, Jimmy and Frank, just anything besides TJCCWFC!
(Also, the abbreviation does not work without the f!)

Finally, it uncovers Trader Joe’s Ultimate Sin:⁣
a grocery built on cultural appropriation unmasks itself ⁣
as a tool for empire when it cannot appropriate the culture ⁣
of Kit Kat because Kit Kat is the empire. What we think is American⁣ is actually British, and what is British is actually empire, and what is empire⁣ but cultural appropriation by any means necessary. ⁣America is the empire now. ⁣
Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai tastes amazing because chai tea is amazing. ⁣Trader Joe’s Chocolate Covered Wafer Cookies are mid because ⁣America – absent of immigrants – is mid.
2 Mid 2 Mediocre. ⁣Trader Joe’s can redeem TJCCWFC by making them TASTE like Kit Kats. But the truth is that Trader Joe’s needs TJCCWFC to remain mid as penance for its sins of cultural appropriation. TJCCWFC’s glaring mediocrity along with TJ's other amazing "ethnic" products only serves to highlight the miracle that is America with immigrants. USA! USA! Now someone get me a Kit Kat from Mexico!

282.2026 #poem #traderjoes #culture #critic #satire by @fernandoafunes

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4 days ago

Boo It Again is Here! ⁣
⁣
We’re doing a special Halloween edition of Duo It Again on Saturday, October 17 at 9:00pm at The Stray! ⁣
⁣
So come in your favorite couples costumes, the thing you throw on every year for Halloween, or something you just put together from stuff at Goodwill! ⁣
⁣
We’re going to do the same scene over and – and then - we’re going to do it over and over again! ⁣
⁣
It makes sense once you’re there! ⁣
⁣
And I need duos! ⁣
⁣
So come do the show! ⁣
⁣
Why you should do the show: ⁣
⁣
🎯It’s a chance to play with your favorite improv buddy ⁣
⁣
🎯It’s two minutes that feel like forever in the best way possible ⁣
⁣
🎯All the 2-minute scenes create a beautiful mosaic where you really feel like you created something as a group. ⁣
⁣
🎯This show is crazy fun and low stakes and inclusive and everyone is invited! ⁣
⁣
So come check it out! ⁣
⁣
Just DM me if you’re interested or have questions! ⁣
⁣
Let’s do this! ⁣
⁣
#duoitagain #improv #thestray #twoprov #ferngully ⁣ taken in The Stray Theater by @fernandoafunes

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4 days ago

We did it - Latino Duo It Again at UCB was a BIG success! ⁣
⁣
Thank you to all the wonderful Latino artists who made this show that magical night that it was! ⁣
⁣
And big thanks to UCB for giving us the night to celebrate each other and our culture. ⁣
⁣
These Latino improvisers killed it! ⁣
⁣
They were so funny! ⁣
⁣
And so funny without having to water down any part of ourselves!.⁣
⁣
I’m super proud to have shared the stage with so many amazing gente.⁣
⁣
We did it, y'all! ⁣
⁣
Now go book them! ⁣
⁣
And special thanks to my special guest co-host, Cosi Cabrera Jones - you did amazing, and I could not do the show without you. ⁣
⁣
Also, what do you think? Should I put together another all Latino improv show? Let me know! ⁣
⁣
And join us for Boo It Again – a special Halloween Duo It Again – on Saturday, October 17 at 9:00pm at The Stray! ⁣
⁣
#improv #duoitagain #latino #ucb #comunidad ⁣

PC: Marj Urquidi

PC: Marj Urquidi

PC: Mariel Sena

PC: Mariel Sena

PC: Mariel Sena

PC: Selfie

Video Credit: Mariel Sena

Poster Design: @funes.studios

Poster Design: @funes.studios taken in Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre by @fernandoafunes

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19

4 days ago

Poem 281 for 2026

What could've been
is what makes it a tragedy.
The prison sentence is having
to live with the failure of
not knowing better when the
answer was right there had you
just stopped and listened.
But I am my mistakes as much
as I am victories. They're intertwined
in such a way to unravel their connection
would be to undo myself.

281.2026 #poem #life by @fernandoafunes

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5 days ago

Poem 280 for 2026

I don't know what I'm doing
but I proceed with the confidence
of someone who does.
That has made all the difference.

280.2026 #poem #life by @fernandoafunes

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6 days ago

Poem 279 for 2026

I use an inductive process
to figure shit out, and I go into
a project with the humility
that I can fail at any moment.
When I succeed, I can't really enjoy it
because I think of all the things
I could have done better. At times
I want to mete out harsh criticism
while remembering that I would not
want to be the kind of person
who takes joy in tearing others down.
Giving notes is the art form of
scrutinizing someone's work and
having them still like you at the end.
I'm smug to people who have disrespected me
because I don't want out right conflict.
Yes, I'm a nice guy, but I don't know if
I'm a kind person. The limits of generosity are
when you feel entitled to my giving and
take me for granted, but even then it's not
real generosity if I'm expecting reciprocity.
The people who annoy me I will never truly love.
My syntax is wacky sometimes because
I speak three languages, and sometimes
the way things are structured in each language
get muddled in my brain. Also, I sometimes write things
as scripts with the intention of being spoken out loud
and that also affects how my sentences look.
Me speaking three languages does not make me
better than you because I'm sure I can find something
you're better at or are way more advantaged
or privileged in. People who want to put you in
your place are afraid of your power but don't want to
admit it. I have been both people. I have a very real fear
of being asked how I feel about AI in a job interview
and have my answer be such a striking rebuke
the interviewer is ashamed for asking it and because
he asked admitting of using it. It's happened before.
Snorting audiobooks at 2.25 speed while reading
the actual book is the closest I'll ever be to becoming
Lawnmower Man. If I lost a 130 pounds maybe I could be
a Salvadoran Jeff Fahey. He's underrated. I wonder if
people will ever say that about me? However, I want
Phil Collins mega success; I just don't know what the Hell
I can be the Phil Collins of? But in my heart, I know
I'm more of a Peter Gabriel like experimentalist.
But why not be both? Inside of me are two wolves:
both are called Genesis.

279.2026 #poem #life by @fernandoafunes

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1

7 days ago

Poem 278 for 2026

Yes, my parents did name me
after that Abba song: Fernando.
No, that's not true. I can't back that up.

Do people feel an immediate rapport
with me because of that song? Yes.

Do they sing the chorus to me randomly
as if they had been waiting their whole lives
to meet a bonafide Fernando and
burst into "There was something in the air tonight.
Fernando!"? Yes, they do.

How do I feel about that? I'm cool with it.

Did people sing that song to you a lot as a child?
No, because it was still around the time of
Fernando Valenzuela playing for The Dodgers.
So people would just say, "¡ES Fernando Valenzuela!'
I was fine with it because I was a child
and didn't know any better.

Both Fernandos we're Mexican by the way.
I'm Salvadoran, but grew up with Mexicans
so it's all good.

I don't really go by Ferny, Fern, or Nando.
It's just Fernando.
I have a tia who used to call me Fer though.

I've been very lucky to not have to be around
a lot of Fernandos, so I'm easy to remember.

However, they love the name Fernando in
South America. I'd just be your typical Fernando
I'm Argentina or Brazil, but here I'm a song
a legendary baseball player. It's second hand
validity and credibility, but I'll take what I can get.

Three syllables, eight letters, rolls off the tongue.
It's a lottery ticket I guess.
I'll take every piece of luck I can get.

278.2026 #poem #fernando by @fernandoafunes

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4

8 days ago

Poem 277 for 2026

What is Venus in retrograde?
Why am I suddenly obsessed
with this new person in my life?
Nobody got time for that.
Like Venus in Retrograde, it'll pass.
I just got to distract myself
and stay strong. Before I know it
I'll be knee deep in whacky hijinks
and this feeling will be gone.
God, please send hijinks
and wacky adventures.
I'm too old for this shit.
I'm fiending for a side quest, big dude in the sky.
I feel like I've done a few, really big
back to be back story arches where
I went through a lot of character development
but I think I'm ready for something
low stakes and fun that doesn't ask a lot of me
and which I will get a lot out of.
If you're preparing me for something
please don't tell me, or don't give any big hints
where I get ahead of you, and I can predict
what's going to happen next. Surprise me!
That way I just have to go with it!
These feelings are feelings, right?
And not something deeper looking to take root?
Listen here, brother, the soil of my heart
is not ready to be tilled yet, and I think I can benefit
from another season of the field being fallow.
Oh what you say? Fallow enough? The field is ready!?
I don't know, Big Papa. I really can't pencil in Cupid
right now, nor do I want to pencil in Aries, but
what about Dionysus or whoever the god of green is.
Big Papi, I've been working my ass off. Can I take a break?
It's like work, work, work, work, a little rest, work.
I don't want to say I'm tired or overwhelmed
because I'm super grateful for all I have
but I need a day for chicken wings and beer.
Not that I'm that kinda guy, but I need some of that
Blue Collar Medicine. Can you speed up the retrograde too?
I want to take my heart out of cellphone bag and board
and engage with it? If this is part of a story, can I make
some creative suggestions like I win the lottery
and don't have to worry about anything?
My character has been developed plenty.
But seriously, thank you for everything. I'm grateful for
this life that is mine.

277.2026 #poem by @fernandoafunes

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9 days ago