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hailey 🌸

@haileymuses

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📍ldn/kent • 🇦🇺🇬🇧🇭🇰🇸🇬
@rcmlondon scholar • cello + piano

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hey, it’s been a while….

some of you may already know that i lost my mum to pancreatic cancer in december. life has changed so much since, it can be really horrible sometimes - maybe even most of the time. there’s no ‘moving on’, but i’m slowly learning to live with the grief day by day.

in my head, life splits into two parts: pre-death and post-death. i don’t feel like the same person anymore, and it felt strange to keep posting as if i were. in starting fresh, i’m hoping to be more vulnerable about how grief shows up in my life, not just when i’m sad, but in the small and unexpected ways as well.

to be clear, i’m not looking for pity (everyone’s parents are going to die anyway) but i’d like to make it easier to talk about. grief can be so isolating at this age, so i’m especially grateful for the friends who keep asking questions, trying to understand and checking in.

today is my mum’s birthday, and by some magic, also the day that pancreatic cancer uk is the official charity for the london marathon!!! not that i can run.

happy birthday, mum. i miss you more and more every day 🌷 by @haileymuses

experiment time with @yiyao_piano 😛🌸

#schumann #rehearsing by @haileymuses

before i get off the hamster wheel, here is a bmus2 rundown..

after managing to be back in college at the end of first year, i thought this year would be much smoother and i could dedicate all my time to ‘getting back’ to where i was, or so i hoped.

instead, i spent a very large portion of this year also not in college because i had the most annoying grief-spawned insomnia that meant i wouldn’t be able to get to sleep until 10am 🫠🫠
after missing all my classes for the first two terms, i was considering dropping out seriously. my mental health and ability to care for myself also derailed while i was experiencing the run-up to the 1 year anniversary of my mum’s death for the first time.
i was put on medication. it’s not a place that i had been in for a while and it was so frustrating to feel like i wasn’t really living. i thought admitting i needed help meant i failed in some capacity, but now i know that isn’t the case, and asking for help takes strength and vulnerability.

i moved back home in march and my sleep, although it’s not perfect, is so much better than it was before. this month, i’m finally off medication. i’m really proud of this progress but, i know if i do need help again, that it’s okay.

on the music side, still going and exploring as much as i can! i got to perform quite a few times and organise some concerts in my summer term which was really lovely. shoutout gerardo for making sure i’m still doing this degree :)
also turned 20 a couple weeks ago and i try to just remind myself that i am allowed to not know what on earth is going on ever 😎

logging off nowww 🦭see you all after the summer! by @haileymuses

taxidermied raccoon energy not pictured <3 by @haileymuses

took the eurostar to france 🥐, got dumped, made pictures out of cigarette smoke 🚬💫, joined the military 🪖, took singing lessons in spain 💃, begged for a musician boyfriend 🎻, snagged one eventually, they turned out to be terrible 🤦🏻‍♀️, but it’s okay because we have 10 lovers in castiglione??!!!!

all in 40 minutes’ work 🕵️‍♀️🗺️ (how many songs do you recognise hehe)

what a pleasure to play alongside @evepearsonmaxwellsoprano for her final recital!! we put this programme together in such a short space of time and i’m so proud of the performance we put on today 💓 ((also aren’t her shoes so fabulous))

signing off this post(card), g. puccini xxx

songs/arias mentioned:
britten - calypso
poulenc - hôtel
donizetti - chacun le sait
giménez y nieto - me llaman la primorosa
wolf - wie lange schön, ich hab in penna
puccini - sole e amore by @haileymuses

six-bible-piano-stick is uncharted waters…

for my third time at the marlow music club (can be confused with the marlow murder club which is a real book lol) i brought along my friend ben carter for a duo programme of french music!! we played poulenc’s four hands sonata, debussy’s cello sonata and fauré’s dolly suite.

i’m so grateful to ben for being down for all my crazy ideas (maybe next time he will be on cello too!) and it was such a pleasure to play at marlow again!!!
the audience were so kind and funny and the sweetest thing they said was that our visible happiness from making music together was really infectious (probably because it has nothing to do with our exam repertoire 😀)

biggest thank you to john lenehan for having me back again after two years!! what a way to start recital seasonnn 💥 by @haileymuses

happy second birthday as an angel !!! 💓🪽
i miss you so much!!
for your birthday, @jbakes.athome and @sleepingkirie were so kind to help me make you a pandan oreo cake (based on my neighbor totoro hehe) i’m so grateful that i got to do this, and it was such a lovely way to celebrate your life! also dad and i went to find some tulips yesterday :)
everything looks so different to how we imagined it together and i’m scared that places us even further apart. i’ll never know what you think of what i’m doing now, but i hope you would be proud. i hold the people in my life so much more closely to my heart now that i know how quickly things can change!! thank you for teaching me how to love!! i love you <3 by @haileymuses

abbey road?!?!?!!!!!!!!!! 🚦🚶🏽‍♂️🚶🏾‍♂️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏼‍♂️

absolute insanity to be recording in such a legendary location. massive massive thank you to jan @janscollectiveband who brought us all together and to @dilansafari for his wonderful arrangements and @bogdanskrypka for listening and not judging 🤩

i had such a crazy time meeting the most creative and talented people from all different backgrounds (most people didn’t study classical performance, or music at all) and i am in awe of everyone i had the pleasure of meeting! thank you for making it so memorable and special <3 <3

swipe for the iconic recreation of the beatles cover 🦓🦓🦓🦓

🔥📸 (2 and 10) by @bethxphotos by @haileymuses

i went to hong kong for the first anniversary of my mum’s death🎐

last year in the hospice, i made a promise to see as many of the places she went to growing up (such as her primary school or home). i was very lucky to meet so many people who knew her at many different points in her life, and i’ve come back with a lot of clarity on what shaped her, but most importantly, more compassion and understanding for who she became.

it is an understatement to say i have been incredibly fortunate to be able to go on such a life-changing trip. i feel a newfound sense of safety that got lost a while back, and more hope that things are going to get better. thank you to everyone who i had the honour to meet and talk to, and thank you to pandora, lopo, fay, isaac and andrew for welcoming me into your home 🤍

have a lovely winter break everyone :) by @haileymuses

summer // start of bmus2 dump 🤪😎😬🫠🥳🎊🪩💃

really really nervous for this year but also super excited to be seeing a lot of friends again and for all the things coming up this term!!
over summer and especially this week, a lot of memories of last year with my mum have come up, and this month marks 3 months left before the first anniversary of her death. it’s something i think about a lot still, and sometimes the grief takes over my whole day, or it might just be a smaller thing in the back of my mind.
i am trying not to overthink it and just see what happens 🤠🤠🤠 trying to take it slow and just focus on looking after my health and routines. i still have chronic insomnia after all this time, and i’m worried about my mental health. but!! one day at a time, and i have the best support network around me right now :) 🐳🐥🧸 by @haileymuses

end of year 1 reflection 🪼

i made it!!

there were so many times i considered dropping out, but i’m really proud of myself for making it through.

for most of last term, i couldn’t sleep, skipped nearly all my lessons, and couldn’t get out of bed. it was beyond frustrating, especially as someone who used to tie so much of my self-worth to how much i could do.

looking back, i’ve learnt a lot.
i’m always grieving, whether i realise it or not, and grief isn’t something you can rush. that was definitely made very clear to me last month, when i started being more social again, got overexcited about feeling ‘normal’, pushed myself to go to three afterparties in a row… and then crashed on someone’s sofa :///

i also kept comparing myself to people who seemed to have ‘bounced back better’ from grief - and by ‘better’ i meant ‘more productive’. the media often promotes a narrative of how people channel their grief into some delusional non-existent state of motivation and i felt like i wasn’t measuring up. but i’m learning that everyone grieves differently. there’s no shame in listening to your body. grief is physical, just as much as it is emotional or mental.

these days, things are getting better. i have more energy to be creative again, and with that, a huge appreciation for the privilege of making music. that’s not to say i don’t still have hard days - i do. but i’m learning to meet those with more grace.

thank you to the people who gave me reasons to get out of bed, cooked me dinner, introduced me to the arsenal women’s team, or bought me capybaras. i owe you one 🤍 by @haileymuses

first performance at rcm 🦋

i recently had the very exciting opportunity to play to in a masterclass to @andrewshulman, principal cellist of the los angeles chamber orchestra.

it was my first time performing at rcm since i joined - i missed a lot in the last two terms, and this is also my first performance since my mum passed away. i was so nervous, but it felt really good to be up there again, and i’m so grateful to everyone who came to support me 💗

thank you to my incredible duo partner @dinaduisen for playing with me!

📸: my dad, @harwoodonline and @susannah.rose_ by @haileymuses