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Jeff van Reen

@jeff_the_queer_turtle

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Spoken word/Theatre 🎤🎭
Big lover of Skerryvore🎵 & Scotland🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿
[email protected] ✉️
Heerlen, Netherlands🐢📍

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‼️TW: Suic1de, trans death

Today it was internationaal trans day of remembrance. A day in which we as a trans community come together, whether it’s physically or in spirit, to remember those of us that have lost their lives. Each year the list gets longer.

Years ago I wrote this poem when a friend of mine had unalived himself. He was only twenty years old. By that time I had been in this Dutch and Belgium community of trans brotherhood for about 1,5 years. This community consisted out of around 900 people. After 1,5 years he was the 7th we lost. By now I have lost count.

I could make a big speech about politics and social systematic oppression right now, and maybe I should, but I’m tired. I’ll let my story do the talking, and hopefully it will reach the hearts of those that want or need to hear it.

Stay strong everyone. We’re not alone. And if you are struggling, know that you have value and that that are hotlines to call, people talk to, hills to scream off of, empty journals to fill up and many more ways to hold on. You’re not too much, and you can absolutely be gentle with yourself. Do what you need to do to find joy and healing ❤️

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#spokenword #trans #poetry by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

It can be really tough to see other men and wish you’d be like them, but at the same time not wanting to be like them at all, because you’ve lived your entire life as a girl and a woman, and therefor know what men are capable of. How do you then fit in into this male world - that you don’t want to be a part of while at the same time you do - that is based on a social hierarchy of which you are placed at the bottom? That’s what this poem is about 🏳️‍⚧️

I like how this poem hasn’t only touched other trans men and trans masculine people, but also many cisgender (not trans) men who feel limited by the patriarchy, and who have started giving a broader and more sensitive interpretation to what it means to be a man. And I absolutely love that ❤️✨

This is my poem “Because I’m trans” that I recently performed at the open stage @caferose43

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#spokenword #spokenwordartist #spokenwordpoetry #workshop #spokenwordworkshop #poetry #poëzie #dichter #poeet #poet #gedicht #trans #queer #transartist #queerartist #spoonie #heerlen #maastricht #zuidlimburg #transmodel #queermodel #queerturtle #dichtersvaninstagram #schrijversvaninstagram #transgender #transman #patriarchy #ftm #transmasculine #toxicmasculinity by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

“De wereld is te klein”

Voor het eerst deel ik dit gedicht. Ik heb het afgelopen zaterdag mogen voordragen bij @tekstverslaafd in de @kasteeltuinenarcen

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“The world is too small”

For the first time I’m sharing this poem I wrote that I got to perform at Tekstverslaafd (an open stage for poetry) at the castle gardens in Arcen

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#spokenword #spokenwordartist #spokenwordpoetry #workshop #spokenwordworkshop #poetry #poëzie #dichter #poeet #poet #gedicht #trans #queer #transartist #queerartist #spoonie #amsterdam #zuidlimburg #transmodel #queermodel #queerturtle #dichtersvaninstagram #schrijversvaninstagram #kasteeltuinenarcen #tekstverslaafd #heerlen #openpodium #openstage #schrijven by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

Up until 10 years ago I never recognized myself in the mirror. But testosterone changed that 🥰

As a very young kid I would be glued to the tv hoping the music video of “Mmmbob” by Hanson would come on. There was this young boy, around my age, with half long blonde hair in it. And every time I saw him, I thought I was on tv. It was the only time I recognized myself as a child.
But thanks to testosterone I can now just look in the mirror or take a picture ❤️

Here’s to 10 years of lifesaving hormones 🥳 by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

I’m coming out 🌈 On international coming out day 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

I don’t have a term for it yet, but here it is:

I have never been a boy stuck in a girl’s body. I was a girl stuck in a girl’s body.

Earlier this week I already kind of came out in a Dutch post with a video where I was a guest in a heartfelt spontaneous interview. I had no intention of doing so, but it just naturally happened. Maybe it was meant to be this way. Maybe it’s time.

I was born as a girl and have been transitioning for 10 years. That’s no secret. But I have been keeping this truth to myself (apart from some of my closest friends and family) for about a year when I finally figured out who or “what” I really am. And when I did, I felt relieved and free. But ashamed and lonely too.

I know it sounds counterintuitive and weird. And trust me, it has been extremely confusing for me my entire life. I loved being a girl, and I loved being a woman, but I never recognized myself in the mirror or in pictures. I spent hours in front of the mirror as a child, teenager and woman trying to find some proof of my own existence, but I could never find it. Even though I was there. I identified with women, not men. And when I saw a group of older women who were dressed in the same style as me, I saw my own future, and it was the most desperate and hopeless I’ve ever felt. That’s when I realized I didn’t have a future; not in a woman’s body.

I now feel balanced. A man on the outside, woman on the inside. Or as some people describe me “I see a man, I sense a woman”.

This identity is the opposite of what we learn being trans is. And trans healthcare would have sent me away if I’d told them this. “The inside is supposed to match the outside” is what we learn. “That’s how you relieve gender dysphoria”. But for me it was the other way around.

I’m starting to slowly understand and believe that I’m not broken or a flaw of nature. And that being ashamed of who I am is a waste of my life.

With the world turning against trans people more and more, I am scared of sharing this openly. But silence feeds shame. And I’m hoping to find others like me.

I still only use he/him pronouns 😉

Happy coming out day 💛🌈 by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

Ik was niet van plan dit met de wereld te delen, maar dan kom je toevallig bij @katrinhenss en @schleipenbryan op Het Vertellende Bankje terecht, en dan begin je te praten.

“Ik vind het nog best moeilijk om het erover te hebben, merk ik”, maar daar gaat ie:

Ik ben geboren als meisje en heb me nooit een jongen gevoeld. Ik vond het meisje zijn fijn. Later het vrouw zijn ook. Beide paste bij me.
Toch herkende ik mezelf niet. Niet in de spiegel, niet op foto’s en video’s, en niet als mensen mijn naam zeiden. Uren heb ik voor de spiegel gestaan, zoekend naar iets van bewijs van mijn eigen bestaan. Maar ik vond het niet. Terwijl ik er wel was, en wist dat ik een meisje en later een vrouw was. Dat voelde, ondanks dat ik mezelf niet herkende, goed.
Met de fysieke gender dysforie kon ik niet omgaan dus ben ik in transitie gegaan.
Na 10 jaar te hebben gezocht naar mezelf, zei een vriend tegen me “Ik zie jou als man. Dat is het enige dat logisch is voor mij. En toch, zodra ik met jou praat of je energie voel, zegt mijn hele lijf ‘Ik heb hier met een vrouw te maken’”. En toen klikte het:
Ik ben man van buiten en vrouw van binnen.
Of zoals sommigen over mij zeggen “Ik zie een man, ik voel een vrouw”.
Maar de uiteindelijke meest ware en tegelijkertijd snijdende woorden die ik ervoor gevonden heb zijn:

“Ik was geen jongetje dat vastzat in een meisjeslichaam. Ik was een meisje dat vastzat in een meisjeslichaam.”

Precies het tegenovergestelde van hoe we leren vanuit de trans zorg en de trans gemeenschap wat trans zijn is.
Toch voel ik me nu pas in balans en écht goed. Dus hoe fout kan het - kan ik - zijn?

@vertellende_bankjes is een project in samenwerking met @l1nieuws dat zoekt naar een recept tegen eenzaamheid.
Ik hoop door mijn verhaal en waarheid te delen dat mijn eigen eenzaamheid minder zal worden. Dat er anderen zijn die zich erin kunnen herkennen en wij niet meer denken en voelen de enige te zijn.

Het hele gesprek kun je terugkijken via de link in mijn bio en in mijn verhaal.
En op L1.nl. Zoek: “vertellende bankje”. Mijn aflevering heet “Dit ben ik”.

Mocht je jezelf in mijn identiteit herkennen, schroom dan niet te reageren of een berichtje te sturen by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

Good news from my annual cancer check up; I’m still cancer free! 🙏🏻

I got the diagnosis on the first day of the COVID pandemic. Only hours before the first lockdown was announced.
For a long time, even after I was out of the danger zone and the pandemic was over, I felt jealous of everyone who got to experience this collective form of trauma. This shared sense of loneliness.
For me it wasn’t shared. It was going to my treatments and surgeries by myself. Being dropped of at the parking lot of the hospital by my mom, walking myself to the OR department, no visitors, and then walking myself back to that parking lot where my mom was waiting for me again. It was fearing death, treatments getting postponed, being more vulnerable to getting COVID, barely being able to see friends even though this was the time I needed them.
After the pandemic people kept talking about their hardships during that time like missing parties and social interaction, losing their job or feeling cooped up, and that made me bitter and jealous. I simply couldn’t relate. It was like the whole world could comfort each other going through it, and I felt left behind.
@skerrypiper from the band @skerryvore wrote this song “Everyday Heroes” (or tune as he calls it) at the start of the pandemic to raise money and awareness for healthcare workers. It was a way of thanking those hardworking people, and I realized “That is something I can do”. Listening to Everyday Heroes over and over again made me feel like I slowly became a part of the collective. Like I stood together with the whole world as I was thanking those without whom I wouldn’t be here anymore.
After a while the bitterness and jealousy, and the pain of going through cancer by myself during a global crisis disappeared.
This tune also works like a mantra on me with its calming repetitive melody, and somehow has the ability to calm my nervous system. It has saved me several times from getting seizures due to a rare neurological condition I have.

Everyday Heroes is art that’s healing.
So where cancer once metastasized to, there now is art. In the handwriting of the composer himself 🎵✍🏻

(Tattoo by: @tante.lien.tattoos ) by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

Change of scenery 🏡☀️
With @femseegers (and Aap & Mathan)💛

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#holiday #zuidlimburg #heuvelland by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

I was born as a girl, lived life as a woman, and grew up to be a man.
But just because I look like a man now and present as one, doesn’t mean I ever stopped being a woman.

“Man on the outside, woman one the inside” is how I usually describe it ✨

Happy International Nonbinary People’s Day!
💛🤍💜🖤

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#internationalnonbinaryday #nonbinary #trans by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

Oepsie poepsie! Typfoutje in mijn PR. De laatste workshop is vandaag om 15:30, niet 16:00!

Hopelijk tot straks bij @schunck_glaspaleis voor het @outpoetparkstad benefiet ❤️ by @jeff_the_queer_turtle

Zondag 30 mei geef ik 3 korte (basis) workshops spoken word tijdens het benefiet evenement van @outpoetparkstad

Vorige maand brandde de winkel van Outpoet af en is er enorm veel verloren gegaan. We organiseren een groot evenement in @schunck_glaspaleis in Heerlen waar je allerlei workshops kunt volgen, handgemaakte producten van kunstenaars kunt kopen, optredens kunt bijwonen en op gave spullen kunt bieden tijdens een veiling. Voor €15,- heb je daarna gratis toegang tot alles, waaronder mijn workshop. Alle opbrengst gaat direct naar heropbouw van Outpoet.
Tijdens het benefiet geef ik mijn workshop drie keer. Dus kom gezellig langs en steun ons in onze wederopbouw 🙏🏻❤️

Swipe naar rechts om te zien waarom Outpoet zo’n belangrijke plek (voor mij) is ✨

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#outpoet #heerlen #schunck by @jeff_the_queer_turtle