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joshbadenhorst

@joshbadenhorst

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less than nothing.
rauh welt begriff
@lildiorchain
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homesick by @joshbadenhorst
slow down at your favorite parts. by @joshbadenhorst
Mom, my depression is a shape shifter. One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, The next, it’s the bear. On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone. I call the bad days: “the Dark Days.” Mom says, “Try lighting candles.” When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame, Sparks of a memory younger than noon. I am standing beside her open casket. It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die. Besides Mom, I’m not afraid of the dark. Perhaps, that’s part of the problem. Mom says, “I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.” I can’t. Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head. Mom says, “Where did anxiety come from?” Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out-of-town depression felt obligated to bring to the party. Mom, I am the party. Only I am a party I don’t want to be at. Mom says, “Why don’t you try going to actual parties, see your friends?” Sure, I make plans. I make plans but I don’t want to go. I make plans because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go. It’s just not that fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun, Mom. You see, Mom, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company. Mom says, “Try counting sheep.” But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake; So I go for walks; but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists. They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in. Mom says, “Happy is a decision.” But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg. My happy is a high fever that will break. Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat-out asks me if I am afraid of dying. No. I am afraid of living. Mom, I am lonely. by @joshbadenhorst
view from halfway down by @joshbadenhorst
what cannot be forgotten appears in dreams by @joshbadenhorst
god speed by @joshbadenhorst
omen by @joshbadenhorst
We turn every hotel I go to into the barbershop. By @joshbadenhorst aka @lildiorchain Capetown I just landed. On stage at Redbull unlocked tonight at Makers landing at V&A Waterfront. Then I’m headed to Worcester for the first time ever to perform at Worcester Way by Dani’s Cafe. Finishing of at Saint Champagne Bar and lounge. Check last slides for details. See yall there🕴🏾 by @joshbadenhorst
Shiny Suit Theory. 📹By @kylemario 📸By @joshbadenhorst 🕴🏾 by @joshbadenhorst
M Y B R O T H E R S | @joshbadenhorst x @ghilian.pdf captured @betweenfriends.live powered by @klipdriftbrandy x @wear_broke x @broke.agency #shotsbydyce by @joshbadenhorst
my kind by @joshbadenhorst
reap/sow by @joshbadenhorst

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