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Marcelle

@kaig00n

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👤she/they
📍Yokohama 🇯🇵 -> Seattle WA
🌃Born again Hammako
⚓️Ship Pilot
🎰Beloved of Fortuna
🎧Part time DJ
👹Full time Goon
🏳️‍⚧️Queer all year

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Hello, I am Marcelle.

17 years ago I was forced to ask myself “Where does other people programming stop and where do I begin?”

Since then I have been pulling the string trying to understand who I am but really it goes back further. Since I can remember I have never felt fully connected to myself, during childhood I figured it would be something slowly revealed to me in adulthood but it never came. No matter the milestone, no matter what I achieved, no matter how hard I pushed myself I was a passenger in my own life. For a time I thought the best I was going to get was learning to tolerate myself and this body. I leaned into the dark parts of my fears and my frailties to better understand them. As I did that I remember the day I realized that you don’t do that kind of labor for someone you merely tolerate and saw the work for what it was, an act of love. Still, the disconnect was there and I paced in my own body like a wild thing born in a cage. No concept of the open plains but bone deep instinct that demanded something else.

I had asked myself years ago what does my masculinity mean to me and was met with a void. A biological default with no intrinsic meaning, but the thought of embracing femininity felt like forcing my hands into a fire.

Two months ago to the day I was recently back from the island. The challenges I faced this time around redefined my understanding of what I am capable of. My reality became a bleeding now, no past, no future, just the unvarnished present, in that space I came the closest to myself than I had ever been. It was rewarding as it was exhausting and I had finally begun to uncoil from the experience. The funny thing about major events is how they echo through your very being and offer new ways to look at things and I asked the question, why does femininity feel dangerous?

So I stopped running from it and found that I had been running from myself. I was playing a role I never asked for. That very moment I finally found the connection I had so desperately sought and with that a joy that I did not think was possible. Ive done so much with my heart tied behind my back and now I get to make the life I always wanted for her. by @kaig00n

Took myself on a long moonlit walk on the beach. by @kaig00n

Today was another win figuring out WTF does a gal wear to work. I recently received a big old box from @papa_nui_cap_co that I ordered yonks ago battered and bruised being shipped atoll to atoll. In the continuing adventure of recontexting my clothes, I’m even more excited to find that the two pieces I took a chance on (cap and sunnies) work so much better than I had originally planned. Looking forward to keeping them in rotation.

Breakdown for the sartorially inclined:

🧢: Papa Nui A3 1940 prototype

🕶️: Papa Nui Coral Cruisers

🧣: thrifted, sadly claimed by the ocean today while doing workboat things 🥲

⏱️: @darte.london X1

👚: just a blouse but in a happy accident it was white until I washed it with some new red linen pants. 😅

👖: Buzz Rickson USMC P41

👢: those ones from @johnlofgrenbootmaker by @kaig00n

Office days mean I get to dress up a bit and while that probably warrants a post of its own I want to talk fashion daaahling.

One of the many unexpected parts of my transition was finding out my sartorial choices were quite informed by a legitimate interest is men’s workwear and militaria and that interest stands on its own. I love seeing posts from the well dressed men in my orbit. Seeing what my favorite labels and makers are up to. Reading about the history behinds certain items, it still fascinates me.

While not the strangest thing it does make things difficult when trying to change up a wardrobe when you still love what is in your closet. I promised to give myself a year to see how things shake out internally (and externally) before I start really offloading clothes. Figuring out how to reinterpret what I have has had some wins and a lot of ill fated attempts. Today though has been the most concrete execution of what I’ve had in mind in that reinterpretation using mostly items I’ve loved from my historic presentation.

👒: @toneloki cotton beret

👚: @effiesheartclothing

👖: @toyoenterprise Hilo RR Sailor Moku’s

👢: @johnlofgrenbootmaker by @kaig00n

Once upon a time the only time I really felt connected to myself and the moment was while shiphandling. No past, no far off future. The bass rumble of the engine, how the deck shifts under your feet, the shape of the water, the tang of diesel, the feel of the wind on your face, even the taste of the so-so coffee, every sense tuned to the urgent now. When the job was done the feeling would fade hollowing me out and filling with static. Getting to do this now for the first time as myself and fully present is ecstatic. The purity of these moments, now calm and balanced, are part of me as much as my voice and memories and it is everything I could have hoped for. #transgender by @kaig00n

It’s not all makeup and dresses.
Out here doing things 🦾⚓️ by @kaig00n

Tokyo Witch. by @kaig00n

When I first moved to Seattle 5 years ago I couldn’t wait to leave. I felt like a stranger in a strange land and freshly grieving the loss of my old home and old life. This Summer I finally Live here. The deepening of the friendships I’ve made here, the new friends in my life who will only know me from this season on, finally moving into my own life. It all fills me with a joy so incandescent it almost hurts.

As I head back out into the world I am so thankful for everyone who made this trip home as vast and beautiful as when The Mountain is out. Please know whether you were here just for the season or for a longer haul, the joy and the tears we shared will warm my heart till it ceases to beat in my chest.

I love you Seattle. by @kaig00n

WEDNESDAY! 5PM!
SHE’S A TORNADO WITH KAIGOON! 🌪️

Thrilled to have one of our favorite selectors in the r’n’r utopia for a bon voyage happy hour record party this week! From popcorn to punk, rockabilly to R&B, and all the other niche genres we hold dear to our hearts, Marcelle’s got ya covered! She’s leaving town this week for upwards of eight months, so don’t miss this opportunity to dance and bid adieu to one of the best!

🍸 Killer drink specials with Belltown’s bucatini or bust #dino behind the stick!
🥃 Try our Highball Menu — Jim Beam + Suntory Whisky Toki specials!

Come GET HAPPY with us at Screwdriver Bar!

@screwdriver_bar @kaig00n

#seattlebars #seattledj #screwdriverbar by @kaig00n

Got the chance to meet with sister Chief and friend @jedibookworm13 whom I haven’t seen since pre pandemic in Japan. Day started off a bit gloomy but cleared up and we had a nice hike down to the sound though Carkeek park. It was surprisingly nice to reminisce, tell her about post retirement and how my perspectives have changed, listening to her plans leading up to her retirement, how things are with the Sailors. Was offered some incredible perspective on women in uniform I really wasn’t ready to understand until now. by @kaig00n

One of the wildly fun parts of my transition has been getting to engage with fashion in new ways. Finding new ways to recontextualise old pieces and find ways to piece them together with new has been a grand puzzle I have taken a lot of joy in exploring. Well happy with today’s outfit, incorporated a few pieces I love, some new/thrifted pieces and finally finding a way to style this chamayo I’ve been sitting on for a while. A few weeks ago my wife said I was going more cottage core than expected and I offer no defense. by @kaig00n

Had an amazing day going though my 45’s and changing up my set leading into a fantastic night out behind the decks with @carmellaortiz. Up way past my bed time but finally home and showered. by @kaig00n