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𝙆𝙖𝙞 𝙈𝙘𝘼𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧

@kaioticmind

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𝘟 1995 · writer · hamburg, germany
𝘟 proud uncle · dog dad · gamer
𝘟 invisible illness club [bd/cps]
𝘟 collabs & business · dm me

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I had three reasons prepared, but your attention span surviving this long might be the biggest green flag here. #youmadeitpastthefirstsecond #apparentlyyouliketheview #dontpretendyouwerenttempted #thismightbehowitstarts taken in Hamburg, Germany by @kaioticmind

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3 months ago

I volunteer as your Vitamin D. #sunisshining #vitamind #letmehelpyou taken in Hamburg, Germany by @kaioticmind

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3 months ago

You’ve had plenty of time. I’m still waiting. #comeandgetit #singlereadytomingle taken in Hamburg, Germany by @kaioticmind

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4 months ago

Long, exhausting, somehow really beautiful day. Started with kindergarten duty for my nephew, then straight into lectures, and after that we had Finn’s birthday party at a little horse farm. At some point someone apparently decided, “You know what this tired man needs? A horse.” So I ended up in the saddle for a few rounds too. I actually learned to ride Western, which means English dressage still makes me feel like somebody changed all the controls and forgot to give me the manual. Hugo and I had a few conversations about direction, posture and who exactly was in charge here. But we moved forward, nobody died, and by the end we understood each other a little better. That counts as progress in riding and in most areas of my life. #horseday #uncleduty #studentlife #smallwinsmatter by @kaioticmind

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14 hours ago

You just want attention, you don’t want my heart. Maybe you just hate the thought of me with someone new. #lyrics #attention #charlieputhedit #edit by @kaioticmind

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2 days ago

First lecture of my second semester. And thank God I don’t have to leave the house for it. Nothing says “higher education” quite like learning about the human mind while sitting at home looking like mine has already given up. But I’m here. Laptop open. Notes ready. Face arranged into something vaguely resembling academic interest. Sometimes success is just convincing everyone, including yourself, that you know what the hell you’re doing. #secondsemester #psychologystudent #academicsurvival #motivationpending by @kaioticmind

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2 days ago

Currently being held hostage by a pug. No demands yet. Just aggressive cuddling and the occasional judgmental look because I moved three centimeters without permission. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. #pughostage #cuddlecustody #dogdadenergy #snoringcriminal #kaioticnight by @kaioticmind

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3 days ago

You people are completely insane. Affectionately, obviously. I just got home from grocery shopping, checked my emails like a normal person… and then sat there staring at my screen because you almost emptied Finn’s birthday wishlist. I’m honestly speechless. Also slightly jealous, because apparently this kid is about to have a better birthday haul than I’ve had in my entire adult life. But mostly I’m just ridiculously happy. Happy that I get to hand him those presents. Read the books with him. Play with him. Build things with him. Watch his face when he realizes all of this is for him. He deserves every beautiful thing that comes his way. And the fact that so many of you look at this little boy you only know through me and think, “yeah, I want to make his day special too”… That does something to my heart. In the best way. I’ll thank every single one of you properly, I promise. But for now: Thank you. For seeing him. For caring. For being this wonderfully little corner of the internet. He has no idea how loved he already is. #finnsbirthday #wishlist #tinyhumanbiglove #youpeopleareinsane by @kaioticmind

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4 days ago

Having a brain that already knows its way around depression is one thing. Having life throw several bricks at that brain at the exact same time while stress turns your chronic nerve pain up like someone found the volume button? That’s a different kind of endurance test. And lately, I’ve been tired. Not “I need an early night” tired. The kind where everything seems to weigh a little more than it should. But I don’t want to give up. Because even when my head gets very good at presenting evidence for why everything is terrible, I can still present evidence of my own. People I love. Animals I’d probably commit minor crimes for. Music that somehow finds the exact damaged little room inside me and turns the light on. A cheeseburger with sweet potato fries and truffle mayo, an ice-cold coke. Tiny things, ridiculous things, huge things. Reasons are reasons. And this place here is one of them too. Over the last few days, some of the messages you’ve sent me have genuinely stopped me in my tracks. Not because they magically fix anything, but because for a moment I felt seen. Not as content. Not as the guy who makes jokes when everything hurts. Just… seen. And loved. Thank you for that, really. So I’m giving depression something else to compete with right now: my nephew turns six on October 13th. I’m planning, organizing, finishing the last little things and getting excited about making his day special. Turns out it’s difficult to completely disappear into your own darkness when a tiny human is waiting for his birthday. And if you’d like to be part of spoiling him a little too, I put the wishlist in my story. For now, I’m collecting reasons. Even the stupid little ones. Especially the stupid little ones. #reasonsitstay #quietbattles #littlethingsmatter #stillfighting by @kaioticmind

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4 days ago

I wonder how many people are currently living a life that looks completely normal from the outside while quietly feeling like a stranger inside it. Still answering messages. Still showing up. Still laughing at the right moments. Still doing what needs to be done. And nobody notices that something inside them has shifted. Maybe that’s the strange part about change. Sometimes nothing collapses. Sometimes the room stays exactly the same and you’re just no longer the person who walked into it. So maybe check on the people who seem “fine.“ And check on yourself too. When was the last time your life actually felt like yours? #quietthoughts #innerworlds #thingswedontsay #humancondition #sadness by @kaioticmind

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5 days ago

Sorry it’s been a little quieter here lately. Real life has been heavy, and unfortunately stress and chronic nerve pain make a pretty terrible little team. You know me by now. I don’t really know how to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. Lately I’ve been struggling with the feeling that maybe I’m just… difficult to have in people’s lives. Too much in some places. Not enough in others. Too emotional here. Too distant there. Somehow always the wrong amount of myself. And after a while, when enough things start hurting at once, your brain gets very convincing with the idea that maybe you’re the common denominator. I honestly don’t really know where my head is right now, or what comes next. But there was one thing this week that felt incredibly good. Every morning, I took my nephew to kindergarten. He had been struggling with saying goodbye to his mom, crying and not wanting her to leave, so we built our own little system. A sweet little handshake his teacher apparently loves A huge hug, many kisses. Saying out loud how much we love each other. And a cute heart. He draws one on me. I draw one on him. So if he misses me, he can look at it and know I’m thinking about him too. And somewhere along the way, the fear started disappearing. Now he actually looks forward to kindergarten. Watching this tiny human walk in there feeling brave because of something we created together might genuinely be one of the best things I’ve done in a long time. I’m endlessly grateful I get to be his uncle. He has absolutely no idea how many times that little hand, that handshake, or one of his hugs has pulled me back into the room when my head was somewhere else. Kids really have no idea how much they save the adults who are supposed to be saving them. #unclelife #littleheartbiglove #quietbattles #tinyrituals #mynephew by @kaioticmind

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5 days ago

How I sleep after blocking the pick-me parade: peacefully. deeply. moisturized. unbothered. Some people need closure. I need the block button and eight uninterrupted hours. #blockedandblessed #pickmefreezone #peacewaschosen #sleepingbeautifully #kaioticenergy by @kaioticmind

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