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@lilbbwanjiru

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kissing shoulders. scraping knees.

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power is not limitless, come to term with instances, and its obvious, god damn its quick, calendars flip to understand and sit with it
man my chest hurt
head ache
& my heart torn
not ready to let my life go, the way toes curl
gripping the floor, you really never feel new when youre sore

what the fuck is it i mean man what the fuck really is it

liminally subliminally

lady boyfriend

GLP-1 :(

I support the trans-mission

I quit. & she told me I’m like a daughter. Offered me a job to stay on for parties and make some extra dough. Will I stay will i GO by @lilbbwanjiru

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8 days ago

I love you! by @lilbbwanjiru

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a month ago

Oh its all coming up, the universe (my mirrors) are showing me myself and woah are parts hard to look at. I hope I can continue to look and hold the people holding me.

How do I move towards acceptance and more than that see the other person before I see myself even when my emotions are high.

This account is meant to work me through the hard mode of life.

Cant betray myself this time, i have to move, rest, refill, be accountable, be patient, be kind, be soft, and unapologetic because I move in ways that reflect who I want to be not who I am protecting.

I dont have to protect little me right now,
And wow has my gratitude for the hard been difficult to feel.

pools, rivers of lava, all spilling taken in Samsara by @lilbbwanjiru

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2 months ago

need Saturday night with my best friends like I need oxygen and ginger ale
——
a massive weight sitting a top my brain
I must put it down
The ink will dry heavier
——
to remind myself that I want to be writing tonight after the gym, lifting heavy stuff, putting it down, life feeling heavy, writing it down, bodies pressed, memories of lit candles blown out
——
& here is a series of photos I desperately needed to live inside again and again by @lilbbwanjiru

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4 months ago

bush so full, I jumped in the air, fell in a split and bounced
—

Snoozed the thunder and shaded the lightning with the covers, but awoke with a thirst unquenched. I needed my dirty soy chai latte from broadway. Friendly faces of course, familiar always.

They smiled nervously, and asked the questions I always love. Like I think I heard, or someone said, or maybe we spoke or maybe i misheard.

The inquiry of connection. And I pounce, no longer hunting and gathering and we fold words into a dough not to be eaten but to be devoured by the crowd awaiting their order to be taken.

He’s searching for a lost career, they hint that iced vanilla soy oat lattes might be losing their luster, glimmer, or maybe the regulars getting too regular.

And I have the sauce, the syrup. Syzurp…possibly.
He pulls out a punch card, the one I always seem to forget. But acquainted enough to get a few extra stamps, punches, and smiles, and “you’ve been here befores”

I always wanted to be a regular again, small town girl never quite loses her charm. And Im far from the fear of being too regular. That doesn’t come up often when describing the human I have become

A little chatty yes, long winded, never. Perfect lung capacity actually. No matter how my empty cigarette packages reflect otherwise.

——heres all to say, i love the narration and I’m going to start practicing it more,
Writing poems feels good but its disconnected in ways sometimes where the reader has more work to do, it inserts us into a companionship where I am the grumpy old troll, the poem the riddle and you the passerby only trying to scroll and not surrender. by @lilbbwanjiru

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5 months ago

like if you want to come to my campsite festival in september

I have a few projects in the making and this quarter Ive been focusing on socializing, regaining my life after a breakup, sleep, and balancing my two jobs/schedule,

This full moon we are shedding away (waning that gibbous) im connecting with nature, i am rejoining with myself to fall away from connection that leaves me feeling shallow and depleted, I’m stepping back into my leadership in my career, (i lead with grace, understanding, and deep basins that prevent others from drinking me dry)

Im saying yes, to no! Im wading in my YES’s. Slowly, intentionally, present.

This next quarter, i am not beginning new projects but revisiting ones that got buried in the mix of insecurity and reconnection to MY heart/mind/spirit. And not the reflection of others (its a spiral, I always return with more grace, more space, and more love)

For now they are mine but themes are: poetry, music, stabilizing vs rejuvenating routines, clear vision and intentions in a dialect the layperson can connect with, travel by @lilbbwanjiru

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5 months ago

decadently draped between grey folds
the impression that once stung, floods
Now its honey spilling blindly from your cuts,
oozing with succulence,
Defensive forgetfulness,
an invalids amnesia
gloss covered eyes, metacognition
must keep her running free
must keep her from suckling its teet
Molten covered serratus, i tear at your ribs
crevices layered sweet
behold what you thought was lost
just is, and is and is
and is and is

________

when Im here, writing, I am being eaten, welcoming pain and the death of metacognition as my desired joyous end.
__________

Can my fursona be a mushroom? Metacognitive death leading to new growth and sporic metamorphosis & I squirt spores. ….CyUUTE yup

i realized that some mirrored insecurities have attached themselves to me or reawakened for me to be overactive in thinking about my thots.

(hyper vigilance, solving problems no one asked the answer to, cptsd is like a fucking wart and then its a pimple & then its an ingrown hair, and peely skin after a sunburn,, It just really annoying and it feels prickly on my skin.)

I don’t need to prove that this life wasn’t an easy beginning but the spiral is doing what it does. Just slowly moving outwards revisiting moments as they hurt less and less

_________

comment below what your fursona/drag is, say something personally controversial, spice it upppp by @lilbbwanjiru

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6 months ago

proud of myself for not doing anything but have my one client yesterday, working 6 days (and/or 13) for the past 6 months has kinda been the push I need to live life after the clock out, but to just sleep, watch The Boys and Eat. loved every second.

Side note: wanted these pics of me on here. I was so cute and fun! Ive really been working on my internalized fatphobia. What a silly way to think. by @lilbbwanjiru

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6 months ago

slowly slowly giving deeper care to the parts that move me towards embodiment, every second sinking, wiping away the debris covering unsteady intentions.

Its okay to just say i am realigning again, i feel safe and I am focused on the question: “what is it that you desire out of this situation”

Its surrounding that desperation of survival, that way in which i push people away through conflict and being misunderstood.

The only one that matters is my intention, and the flow of the universe moving with and thru me.

I steady my breathing through concealment, in the null, understanding that its one half of breath, the next wave is revealment , though they both come with challenges, it’s through experience of both that i transform.

Grace is waiting for me to recognize through both cycles.

I no longer desire the hardest path to prove I can.

I have love surrounding me, in me, moving through me. by @lilbbwanjiru

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6 months ago

people are who they are unless they decide to become who they want to be, i was becoming the person I was around (because when you love someone…you know).

That doesn’t make me kind, it makes me willing to dishonor myself.

And so I move forward and reconnect back to who I am. Reality of the breakup is no ones that much happier after. They just build or rebuild.

Just excited for the next few weeks, where I am much more connected to myself <3 by @lilbbwanjiru

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8 months ago

broke my vows with gym over the holidays, and i miss him bad. I vow to hit him 4 times a week until march and reaccess. 💥 🤛🏽 by @lilbbwanjiru

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8 months ago

and Im finally out the DARRRRRK! friends reminding me like my biggest come up was moving on from you. That was a piece of me that needed some deep healing. Betrayal feels so big like a mountain, and I am still figuring out how to move through not yours but the OG.

Big mountains are only made with deep love, and the path between is covered in its shadow. Thats where you exist. by @lilbbwanjiru

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9 months ago