Instagram story viewer> @lucycandella> Posts

Lucy Candella

@lucycandella

26.7K

followers

1547

following

The eldest daughter you call while reparenting yourself, raising regulated humans, & finding peace with your parents
⬇️free reparenting journal

POSTS STORIES REELS TAGGED

The next few weeks I’ll be telling the 1000 stories that led to me going no contact with my mom. We’ll talk about how I learned the hard way that no contact isn’t healing, the realization that healing, forgiveness, and repair are independent of one another, and how I only engaged in one before talking to my mom again.

I hope you’ll join me through the nuance of no contact that makes so many uncomfortable. It’s a narrative I haven’t heard in this space and I hope it brings clarity and hope to those in similar situations

My free reparenting prompts are linked in my bio and I hope they’ll serve you well if your story looks something like mine 🫂

This is my personal experience and not meant for diagnoses or advice - if you need resources, please reach out and I’d be happy to help ❤️ #nocontact #estrangement #emotionallyimmatureparents #reparenting by @lucycandella

1k

36

7 months ago

PSA to parents with kids of all ages - the relationship is always on the parent

Edited to say: I want to add this does not apply to elderly parents. This video was in response to many people claiming their parents have shrugged the responsibility of maintaining relationships or initiating repair because the phone goes both ways.

I am always open to discussion and very willing to be wrong within restorative conversations… so let’s keep discussions civil ❤️

#momsofinstagram #adultchildren #parenting by @lucycandella

148k

2k

a year ago

It was not grace that salvaged my relationship with my parents.

It was understanding the harmful patterns that built my working model of the world, identifying their narratives in my head, healing from it, working to undo it, and creating boundaries to keep from going back there.

The prompts I used to reparent myself are free and linked in my bio❤️

PS the creator that shared this mentioned seeing it and resharing but with no credit. If you know the original creator, please tag them!

#estrangedparents #nocontact #repair #emotionalintelligence #estrangedfamily by @lucycandella

580

22

2 months ago

Most children of emotionally immature parents know the pain and trauma their parents experienced better than most. We see it, we hold, we had to regulate it, before we even developed a sense of self.

As someone who is healing and has reconnected with my parents - I promise you, having more empathy wasn’t the golden ticket to achieving that. It was removing the guilt and the self abandonment “they were children once” places on the relationship and shifts it to “hurt people, people people - can I protect myself from further harm and stay connected to them in some capacity?” #estrangedparents #emotionallyimmatureparents #nocontact #lowcontact by @lucycandella

951

30

3 months ago

These things tend to “make sense” when you have a masters level education and thousands of research and clinical hours in the field, and not just some half baked guides to sell, pookie 😘 this research is older than her, there is no excuse for the ignorance displayed frequently.

And if you’ve ever felt like that baby monkey, choosing to face a scary world on your own because it’s safer than reaching for your wire monkey of a parent… I’m sorry. But I’m also SO proud of those of us knitting our own blankets with no guide, no assistance, just the sheer determination to do better because we know what the alternative feels like. #estrangedparents #nocontact #enotionallyimmatureparent #reparenting #attchmentparenting by @lucycandella

25k

609

3 months ago

New treatment plan = new me?! 😅 I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that sometimes I fear losing some of the positive traits parenting my parents gave me. High levels of productivity being one of those things. Being a kid who learned survival was balancing 6 identities made me an adult who thrives in wearing 42 hats at all times.

I’ve done so much work to remove my value from my output and there’s been progress in my actually behavior but my head still gets the best of me and I’m hoping that my new therapist is right….

That I won’t lose the productivity but instead gain the reprieve of using it to earn something positive as opposed to the baseline for avoiding all the negatives. by @lucycandella

3k

54

3 months ago

My biggest fear isn’t my children going no contact. My biggest fear is raising children that do not know how to protect their physical, mental, and emotional safety in the name of loyalty. My biggest fear is being someone who represents harm in their life and them, not knowing how to set appropriate boundaries with me.

Of course, I fear the day mistakes I made cause damage that can’t easily be undone. But I worry substantially more about raising children that grow into adults who learn that other people’s comfort comes before their safety.

#nocontact #estrangedparents #emotionallyimmatureparents #reparenting by @lucycandella

3k

72

3 months ago

How many of us grew up our parents’ punching bag with no acknowledgement because “children are resilient?”
How many of us were emotionally neglected during adverse events growing up because “children are resilient?”

The reality is as I’ve heard a lot of mental health professionals use this very line and it comes with good intent, but the neuroscience of development couldn’t disagree more. As a matter of fact, there is research to suggest that the younger the child is, the more impactful the trauma. Children are not resilient. ✨They are easier to repair with i-n-t-e-n-t-i-o-n.✨

#childdevelopement #parenting #emotionalmaturity #trauma by @lucycandella

1k

42

4 months ago

The difference between the parent I have a strong relationship with versus the one I don’t? Their ability to conceptualize that I’m not playing the blame game, I’m looking for them to be the elder who holds accountability.

*note* I am A professional. Not YOUR professional. I am sharing my own experiences in navigating estrangement and repair with my parents, not giving professional advice* #nocontact #estrangement #familytherapy by @lucycandella

2k

49

4 months ago

Being ripped away from my family as a child made no contact feel complicated. When people ask why I broke no contact - the answer isn’t simple and the truth is there was months between sitting with these feelings and actually seeing my mother again.

I had made enough progress to know that the system of facilitating a relationship while keeping myself removed was not acceptable. It’s how we ended up in this devastation in the first place. I also knew that I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my own well-being to facilitate that relationship because ultimately the way that I relate to my children is how they will relate to the world and protecting my peace is protecting them.

But still in there, I felt there had to be a middle ground between what my mother had done, what I was doing, and what was actually best for all of us.

I really want you to know that this is my story… It is not my suggestion… It is not me judging your situation… It is not my professional advice. It should also be mentioned that there’s so much nuance that can’t be accounted for in the story, words I don’t always articulate perfectly and because of that I’m happy to answer any questions about my journey that you may have but I ask that we keep the conversation kind ❤️ #nocontact #nocontact #estrangedparents #reparenting by @lucycandella

208

6

5 months ago

My grandmother was an elder.

She was a flawed woman. She did and said things that weren’t always right, a byproduct of her own trauma. She never said sorry. And yet I respected her then, and I respect her even more in her passing, because her impact as an elder still benefits my children and me to this day.

When my father left before I was born, she stepped in. She became a father figure…she worked, she provided, she stayed in the workforce well into retirement so I could have a life against the statistics. And even when my mom remarried, relocated us in her own fit of “no contact,” and rejected her… she kept working into her 80s and only ever said, “I wish I could do more.”

She gave her time to nurture our entire family. She’s the reason I knew my aunts, uncles, and cousins. She hosted every event. Nothing came before family.

So we held her baggage. We held the harm her trauma sometimes seeped onto us. We saw her flaws…and we respected her just the same. Because she earned it.

She commanded respect by taking responsibility for the health of her village. She held status through her service to it. She spent her life in service to her children and her grandchildren, until she literally could not anymore. That’s the older person I aspire to be. That is respectable.

But grasping to this hyper-independent, “I did my time” crap…and then calling your child’s unwillingness to carry your traumas and your emotions “disrespect,” simply because you’ve reached a certain age?

Nah, girl.

Respect isn’t owed for surviving long enough to collect it. It’s earned by what you pour back into the people coming after you. If you’re demanding it from your family without ever fulfilling your duty to them, you don’t get the title.
#emotionallyimmatureparents #nocontact #eldestdaughter #reparenting by @lucycandella

5k

118

5 months ago

The prompts I am using to reparent myself can be found in my bio ❤️

A very real moment in my no contact recovery was sitting with this reality: Repair requires engagement between two people but the responsibility of facilitating that engagement has to be with the person who still sits slightly higher in the power dynamic. #reparent #nocontact #emotionallyimmatureparents by @lucycandella

48k

730

5 months ago