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Malia Poai

@maliapoai

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✨ Events + Fundraising Strategy
🍷 Food • Art • Music • Italia
💔🤍 Speaking openly about grief + loss

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I don’t want to write this. I don’t know how - but my world has changed.

Nearly 3 yrs ago, I moved back to UT to be closer to family. I wanted to be there so I could help take care of mom and ensure I was close enough to develop strong relationships w/my niece and nephews. Since moving back, I have been living with my mom, my sister (Kathleen), her husband (Jon), and their 6-yr-old son, Ikaika. For some reason, my attempts to move out failed and my transition back into UT life was difficult. I sunk my free time and energy into my family - especially into Ikaika because I lived with him. We developed daily routines: morning hugs, afterschool snacks, coloring on my floor, going on walks, playing with mini brands, watching cartoons, telling stories, snuggling, reading, snapchatting, cooking, pretending we had a cooking show on YouTube, planning parties, making treats, dance parties, brushing our teeth together, and always ending the day with a goodnight hug and kiss. He sobbed when I left home or when I traveled to NYC for work and I was the only person he called “Auntie”. Everyone else was “Auntie [insert name]”. I love our special bond.

On March 30, Ikaika became unresponsive and was rushed to the ER. He was diagnosed w/ bacterial meningitis, fell into a coma, and on April 15 our sweet Ikaika passed away. We are in shock, devastated beyond expression. The literal beating heart and joy of our home is gone. We are living a nightmare. We still listen for his footsteps, expect him to wake us up for morning cuddles, and are desperate to hear his sweet voice. Despite being familiar with loss, the ache in our hearts is indescribable, almost too much to bear.

Ikaika’s memorial was Tuesday & I had the privilege of helping plan his memorial and giving his life sketch. It was hard to decide what to say about our precious Ikaika, but I focused on these qualities: his exceptional talent, light, humility, joy, grateful heart, and unconditional love. Knowing, serving, & loving Ikaika has been the greatest privilege and joy of my life. I miss Ikaika and will always ache for him, but look forward to the day when we will reunite.

A hui hou aku no e Ikaika. Aloha wau iā ʻoe. 🧡 by @maliapoai

What a night! Thanks to everyone who helped make the #ChildrensAidBenefit a smashing success. The evening was beautiful, moving, and inspirational. Because of our incredible supporters, we raised more than $1.9m!

Also, special thanks to our phenomenal event partners @rafanellievents, who put dreams to paper and then ensure they become a reality. I don’t know what I would do without you. And thanks to @ziegfeldballroom, our favorite hosts, who provide the best client experience and event space out there. I am so grateful for both of you. It takes a team to pull off something like this, and I have the best one out there.

10.20.22
#events #nycevents #eventplanner #fundraiser #benefit #gala #charityevents #socialgood #dogood #fundraisingevent #nyc #ziegfeld #ziegfeldballroom #rafanelli #rafanellievents #eventseason by @maliapoai

Exploring beautiful Roma on my own gave me a greater appreciation for the eternal city. It gave me life and made me fall even harder.

Roma + Malia = amore eterno

9.12.22 by @maliapoai

Dearest Ikaika,

I’ve been trying all day to write a happy post for your 10th birthday, but the truth is I woke up crying. I dreamed of you last night, but even in my dream, I knew you weren’t really here. And then I woke up to a gloomy, rainy day. No sun, just tears falling from the sky. I ordered breakfast from one of your favorite restaurants, but that didn’t help. I’m wearing your favorite color, your name, your birthstone. I even tried watching some of your favorite cartoons, cuddled up with a plushie you would love. But it’s been 1,296 days since I’ve seen your shining face, heard your laugh, or held your little hand and every time I “remember” you’re gone, which is countless times a day, the grief makes me sick, sometimes it paralyzes. You should be here. We should be celebrating you today.

I wonder what you would look like now, how much you have changed over the last three and half years. I wonder what you would be into now, if you’d still let me hang out with you and give you giant hugs. So many questions.

I miss you, Ikaika, more than I could ever explain. I miss how you made your own YouTube videos walking around the house. I miss watching you draw, getting better every day. I miss our science experiments, playdough, Legos, magna-tiles, and kinetic sand. I miss slicing apples for you and making you snack trays. I miss our walks and the way your eyes lit up when you saw someone you loved. I miss your smiles and every soft strand of hair on your head. I’m going to miss you for the rest of my life and will love you forever.

Happy Birthday, Ikaika 🧡

11.1.26 by @maliapoai

Hello, Moon

10.23.26 by @maliapoai

Sunset + my annual selfie by @maliapoai

Tonight’s sunset was too beautiful.
I had to pull over.
I want to believe he was there. 🧡

#IkaikaForever

7.29.26 by @maliapoai

3 Years

It’s been three years since I held this little guy in my arms, and it still hurts.

There’s a common belief that time heals, but I don’t think that’s true when it comes to a child. If anything, it can feel like they’re drifting farther away. Memories start to fade. Milestones pass. New moments never come. You find yourself holding onto photos and the things they once touched like your life depends on it.

These FaceTime videos were taken about a month before I moved back to Utah. He was three, and we talked all the time. Watching them now brings up so much. I can feel the excitement of that season of life, knowing I would soon have daily access to this brilliant, enchanting, little human. At the same time, there’s a deep, persistent ache. I wish I had held those moments a little more fiercely. I wish I had known how few there would be.

I miss him. I miss Ikaika’s good heart and radiant soul. I miss our conversations—the way they made me laugh, think, grow, and love more deeply.

He should be here. Three years is too long to go without seeing him, and yet here we are. Six years and five months with him will never be enough.

To all who loved him, thank you.

And to those who have loved and supported me and my family over these past three years—especially those who have continued to show up again and again—you are so dear to me, and I’m so grateful.

Love you forever, Ikaika. Until we meet again. 🧡

4.15.26

#GriefJourney #ChildLoss #RememberingIkaika #IkaikaForever by @maliapoai

I’m really excited about my new project, guys.

This is how I avoid the realities of life.

3.26.26

#henrycavill #jakegyllenhaal #crush by @maliapoai

I never cared about St. Patrick’s Day until Ikaika was born.

Before, it was just another random day. But for some reason, he loved it, so we made it special.

If he were here, I would have decorated. Made green food. Worn green. Planned activities—especially now, with the time I have.

Instead, I’m lighting a candle. Writing a letter to him that he’ll never get. Drinking a protein shake for dinner instead of baking Irish soda bread. Still dressed in my blue workout clothes.

Holidays without him just aren’t the same. Life isn’t the same— and it just never will be.

But I’m still holding space for him today.
In the quiet, I replay memories.
I think of his little hands in mine,
his laugh, his warmth, his never-ending soul…
and the love I have for him that goes beyond the eternities.

3.17.26

#ikaikaforever
#livingwithgrief
#childloss by @maliapoai

To most people, this is just corn – convenience neatly packaged by Trader Joe’s – but to me, this is symbolic of the countless, painful choices I make every day as I navigate a world reshaped by grief. Before, a four-pack was a no-brainer: Mom, my sister, Ikaika, and me. Now, it’s just the three of us. That extra ear is a gut-punch reminder our home is now missing its heart.   I put this corn back three times before I finally kept it. It added at least seven minutes to my shopping trip and created a bit of a traffic jam, but that’s how I exist in the world now. Apologies, but not really. It’s about survival. And it happens every time I go shopping. So, if you see me – or someone else for that matter – staring off into space, absentmindedly touching juice boxes, or jamming up the aisle, be gentle. You never really know what a simple grocery run will cost someone.

#griefjourney #livingwithgrief #griefinthewild #childloss by @maliapoai

These mantras pierced my heart in such a beautiful way today.

I’ve been living in an extended period of grief, and losing my job in December added another layer of loss and uncertainty. I’ve been taking time to reset, reconnect, and reinvest in myself - and I’ve started to understand why it’s felt so hard.

In many real ways, I’m starting over. I’m being asked to rewrite my story, using pieces I didn’t choose, and deeply missing others - including who I used to be. Rebuilding a future is delicate, difficult work.

None of us are immune. We will all face loss, fear, and uncertainty at some point. That’s why it means so much to stumble upon gems like these (thank you, @adamreednielsen ) and to be surrounded by people with good energy (you know who you are).

May these mantras uplift you, the way they uplifted me.

By @thevanmystic 💛

#2026mantra by @maliapoai