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Miranda Birt

@mirandaandviolet

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none of us are free until all of us are free

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(CW alcoholism, drugs)
Reflections on Florence, part 3: I didn’t plan to write this. It came to me in my dreams, a bird flapping inside of me that needs out. (Only true @florence fans will know that reference.)

Talking about alcoholism in the past tense feels disingenuous. I never talked about it while I was going through it. Most people thinks it’s normal to need a drink to socialize - it’s not.

Alcohol is the easiest drug to get - it’s socially acceptable, if not praised. You can get it in a specialty store, grocery store, even a pharmacy. It’s at weddings & graduations. We joke about mom drinking again while she’s breastfeeding. “Functional alcoholics.”

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of when I “quit” alcohol. I never made a plan to quit. I didn’t consider myself an alcoholic, so the thought of quitting didn’t exist. But something changed that weekend. I didn’t wait to wake up until it’s late enough on a Sunday to grab beer at the grocery store. I stopped saving every dollar to buy the cheapest bottle of wine to get me through the night. I sit through comedy shows & drinking games with water & a soda. I didn’t switch to something else, I was able to kill the craving. A one-off experience probably saved my life.

The next week I went to San Diego to meet my (now former) colleagues in person & it was the first time in over 10 years I was with a group of people I didn’t know & didn’t get black out wasted. I barely drank much that weekend. I didn’t know what was happening at the time, it didn’t occur to me that I had lost the craving. I thought I just didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my colleagues.

I am sure I hurt a few people during those years, but I hurt myself more than anyone. Darkness is just different shades of grey & blue & you don’t know any other colors exist until you climb out of it.

If I don’t get a single other gift for Christmas, THIS is a gift. Every single light I see sober is that much brighter. I don’t even like Elvis, but making it to the morning is all I need.

“Oh, you know I’m still afraid, I’m still crazy and I’m still scared, but if I make it to the stage I’ll show you what it means to be spared” 💕 A nonbinary feminine person wearing a lime green dress in front of the altar and stage at the Florence and the Machine Dance Fever Tour in Austin, Texas taken in Moody Amphitheater by @mirandaandviolet

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4 years ago

A little late, Reflections on Florence, part 2: I went to the show alone - it was $200, which is a LOT of money to me. But I wanted to get as close as I could. I’ve seen videos of other shows from this tour. I came to see a Saint bless us. About 3 songs in, I made eye contact with a girl next to me & we somehow, with no words exchanged, became partners in getting to the front. I moved first, then was delighted when she followed. A bit later she presses forward & I think it’s over, then she TURNS AROUND, looks me RIGHT IN THE EYE, GRABS MY ARM, & PULLS ME IN. “She’s with me.”

I got close enough to see her run by the front barricade but not to the middle - it doesn’t matter. The women who helped me get as close as I could, the angel who gave me a reassuring smile when I cried during “Morning Elvis” & took a picture for me at the end in front of the altar, the last beautiful soul who moved to let the two of us get so close we were just feet from Florence at one point.

The power of that night still lives in my soul - the next day every single part of my life started unraveling but dancing with so many lovely souls to a literal star sent by the heavens reminded me of what I really want - true community, humility, love, respect, compassion, things our society isn’t very good at. And I wanted to leave the city so I can dance under the stars to my Big God.

There have been some very bad days over the last 2 months - I won’t even write them here because they’re gone for now. But that one lovely lady who pulled me in changed my life because I can turn my Florence playlist on & feel so loved and embraced by people who have been THROUGH IT.

I started my long journey back to who my pre-Christian ancestors are after this show - there’s a connection to the Earth I am missing & I know it’s because of the long history of violence that got me here. I will never miss an opportunity to see her again in my life. @florence, thank you so much from so many of us.

“Shower your affection, let it rain on me, pull down the mountains, drag your cities to the sea” ❤️ #florence #florenceandthemachine #fatm #dancefever #dancefevertour taken in Moody Center ATX by @mirandaandviolet

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4 years ago

Reflections on Florence, part 1: I found Florence during a really dark time in my life. I was in an unhealthy relationship with someone who controlled every aspect of my life - decided what we listened to, what we watched. I had a favorite musician I found through my ex, & I still love that musician today. But Florence is different. I found her on my own on a night he was out of town.

I watched an episode of SNL by myself before he saw it - almost a taboo. I giggled along while working on my course work, until Florence came on. I paused & watched & there was a moment towards the end of “Shake it Out” where the camera pans over her in the middle of the biggest voice I’ve ever heard & she has the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen, like she knew she made it & couldn’t be more grateful of that moment. It felt like she was radiating joy. Suddenly this person whose songs I enjoyed on the radio became real to me.

We’re the same age & her albums really resonate with my life stages - a lot of messiness & addiction, broken relationships, love & loss, life & death, all rolled into one.

I am always scared to listen to new albums from my favorite artists. I’m scared it won’t feel the same. I’m scared I won’t appreciate it. I waited a little bit to listen to How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful, but it was High As Hope that really frightened me - I didn’t feel like I had caught up to her emotionally, mentally, & spiritually. I was somewhere back between Lungs & Ceremonials, chaotic & teetering on the fringes of stability.

Dance Fever came out at just the right time for me. I’ve let go of a lot of things that weighed me down for so many years - I can really “dance myself to death” now. I cried during Morning Elvis because there was a time in my life where I didn’t know if I would be here today. I felt so wrapped in love & light in this massive pool of people, even as I yearn to leave the city it was such a powerful place to connect.

I’ll share more in a second part about how connections with people truly made the night magical. But for now, I’ll leave you with the most powerful words of the night:

“I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in.”

9/27/2022 ❤️ taken in Moody Center ATX by @mirandaandviolet

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4 years ago

a couple of new to me pieces that i found on dep*p, i’m going to Disneyland the week before Christmas and, while i do find bounding to be fun and creative, i am a traditionalist with my theme park wear and prefer a good graphic tee (i will take one dress for pics). the other blouse is cotton gauze and is so pretty in person, it’s definitely a gem.

this is probably the last trip i’ll make for a long time because i am really focused on buying a home, so i want to make the most of it - i am finally going to suck it up and stand in line for the star wars rollercoaster. after paying for tickets, hoppers, and LLMP, i refuse to pay for individual rides. drawing the line in the sand with that, mr. mouse.

i am a bit nervous about food - desserts and such will generally be fine but there are so many savory snacks i have to miss out on if i don’t want to feel awful the whole time. i might wait to do snacks the last day and load up on Benadryl for the flight home, lol. i have been told the restaurants will be really accommodating so i will try for reservations at some. i will also take time to watch some shows and parades that i normally skip for ride time. little dog will stay at her legal home for the week, much to her dismay.

took Rainey back to the vet today and they sent off a culture plus did an x-ray to make sure she doesn’t have kidney stones - some debris but no stones visible so hopefully just a yucky infection to clear out. she’s on two more weeks of antibiotics and they will call us in a few days to let us know results of culture. she’s been absolutely MILKING it for snuggles and belly rubbies. i am happy to oblige tbh. swipe for bebe tax.

i got overzealous adding foods back into my diet and felt pretty rough the last several days, my face started swelling again. need to refocus so i can identify the culprit - potentially peanuts, pistachios, sunflower seeds/oil, or corn. hashtag blessed. 🤡 taken in Austin, Texas by @mirandaandviolet

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2 days ago

weeeee, new lariat style necklace, i really love the versatility and weight of it. i can’t wait to show you all my outfit for tomorrow night’s show… i have clothes picked out, still deciding which shoes but the weather will have the final say on that. thankfully it is cooling down some, i have been on the verge of tears every time i walk outside for the last few months and i am so excited that i won’t spend another summer in this heat. little dog is doing well, she’s perked up a lot and she loves taking her meds, i am the stubborn dog medicine queen. it is my calling. 🤌🏻 taken in Austin, Texas by @mirandaandviolet

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13 days ago

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14 days ago

i definitely need to practice lacing and adjusting this waist corset, i might need to train Rainey to help me get dressed at this point. she would happily agree. i am hoping this will help with my lymph movement along with the massaging and compression socks - it felt nice to wear and my abdomen feels less bloated after removing it so that is positive. excited to style it with some of my chemises and dresses.

little dog is starting to feel better and is taking her meds like a champ. i put the pill in a little ball of cream cheese and she takes it right down then licks the spoon. she’s really funny about licking utensils - neither Violet nor Hudson cared about them as long as they got the plate/bowl. Rainey expects to clean both. i think she’s grateful for the trip to the vet, she’s been extra snuggly and perhaps more confident that she’s staying with me, lol. taken in Austin, Texas by @mirandaandviolet

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15 days ago

little dog has a UTI, her pee pads from last night had blood on them so (naturally) i was freaked out and asked Craig to schedule an appointment - they said she is sooooo sweet and happy to be a part of everything, but lots of bacteria in there so we started antibiotics this afternoon and i will keep an eye on her progress to see if we need a follow up. they said she needs to lose weight (i know) but her teeth look really good so that is also positive. she took her meds without protest, is now eating the treats she left behind before the vet, and i suspect she’s taking a nap soon. she practically ran back to the car after our visit though, so she definitely only has so much interest in *those* people. 🥲 taken in Austin, Texas by @mirandaandviolet

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16 days ago

preordered this and forgot, EXCELLENT surprise and endeavor by @blackforager - i am very excited about this one, i am an aspiring forager and have had to start cooking more with the allium allergy in mind, might potentially be reacting to paprika which is sad but more tolerable than the loss of garlic. maybe the smell of garlic mustard will be a nice substitute, it’s a crucifer so i can eat it!!! highly recommend if you’re into foraging or wild edibles (or whimsy!) 🤌🏻 taken in Austin, Texas by @mirandaandviolet

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17 days ago

i normally don’t take pictures of my face but i have been experimenting with silk head coverings to keep hair off my face and accidentally captured some significant progress - turns out, it is the alliums (onions, garlic, chives, etc.) causing my salivary glands, among other things, to swell. the first picture is from this week, 9/22, and the second picture is from 9/2, before i realized what the likely culprit was.

how did i figure it out? a modified elimination diet where i just had cold-pressed juices, fruit, pistachio cream (lol), potatoes, pumpkin seeds, and dairy, no seasonings other than salt - except i was eating garlic & herb Boursin to make up for the lack of seasoning, then it was out of stock for a few days, and it was only when i got it again that i realized the connection, lmao.

anyway, i am slowly working veggies & spices back into my diet - turmeric, ginger, and paprika seem to be fine, adding cumin back in soon. carrots are good, asparagus is next to add back in. i can do spicy and ground mustards, have found an allium-free pasta sauce, but no ketchup so far. i have absolutely no idea what restaurants i can eat at so i don’t eat out any longer with the exception of the occasional burger from P. Terry’s.

i am a bit distressed about the garlic but also because it is quite hard to find convenience foods without those ingredients. learning to make homemade ketchup was not on my 2026 bingo card. that being said, i could almost weep at how much better i feel since taking them out of my diet - physically, mentally, emotionally. maybe even spiritually, i can’t believe the change.

listen to your body, friends!!! and please ignore the head gear - i stg i am not appropriating but my sister did say “you got a durag in purple” so i feel compelled to state that plainly. 🫪 taken in Austin, Texas by @mirandaandviolet

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20 days ago

incredible secondhand find, 100% cotton and i don’t have a lot of brown in my closet. even Craig said it was different than most of my things, and it’s always good to branch out. incidentally, his sister sent me a purse for Christmas a few years ago that i haven’t been able to use because it didn’t fit the colors in my wardrobe - i am looking forward to a cold day so i can style them together now! sweater is American Eagle and i happen to love some of their vintage pieces. used to be such good quality.

i think C and i are in a slow process of ‘uncoupling’ (20-year old me is cringing at that word) but it is friendly. we went to see Angine de Poitrine a couple of weekends back and it was awesome, going to see the Menzingers this weekend. there are a handful of things we’ll try to do before i move out of state in a few months. trying to knock out some events and places i put off.

Rainey is still with me for now, discussions are ongoing about where she’ll live, lol. swipe to see her in her Juno bandana (pics are blurry because she was so excited, haha) - my manager at work sent me some after three years of requesting them for merch. 🤌🏻 big hit with the team, too. a few requests already in process, think they will be a big hit with our members, i am a marketing genius. will share health update the next time i post! 🫶🏻 taken in Austin, Texas by @mirandaandviolet

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21 days ago

styled, in a fashion. swipe for dog tax. taken in Austin, Texas by @mirandaandviolet

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a month ago