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Matthew J. Dempsey, LPCC

@mjdempseypsych

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2008

following

🏳️‍🌈 Gay Psychotherapist of 20 years
🎓 Columbia University alum
🧠 Recovering overthinker
📬 Email me for a consultation
💌 [email protected]

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Fight, flight, freeze, or {GAY} FAWN 💅 🦌 Thoughtfulness and attentiveness are great traits, but they can also function as a defense to win over people we maybe feel anxious or insecure around. And when we grow up gay, we can learn to fearfully cater to everyone else's needs just to secure a seat at the table. Yet if we're in survival mode, how do we know we're even sitting at the right one then? Fawning is a tricky one to name because it seems so pleasant and helpful on the surface and no one's gonna complain about it. But as long as we're acting out from trauma, we stay on the surface and miss the opportunity to attend to the deeper part of us that needs the most love and healing so we can find new calm and the right table. taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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a year ago

TOXIC HUSTLE CULTURE • Living in a capitalist society shapes the way we literally value ourselves through productivity and income. But when that’s where our energy goes, it’s a never ending hamster wheel that leaves us feeling exhausted and inadequate. Our worth doesn’t need to be proved through how much we can achieve, it’s our birthright. And especially for us 🏳️‍🌈queer folx🏳️‍⚧️, we can feel extra tempted to try to prove we deserve to be loved through hustling with work because society brainwashed us to believe what we have inherently wouldn’t cut it. Check out the video and tell me what you think! #psychology #toxichustleculture #mentalhealth #gay #queer #emotionalintelligence #therapy #psychotherapy by @mjdempseypsych

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4 years ago

This is why we DO say gay. Of course we want to positively effect change in the world around us and dismantle oppressive systems through accountability, but it can be even more effective when we *ONLY IN A SAFE CONTEXT* also include our emotional need and personal story. And even though we can’t guarantee it will change the minds or hearts of anyone around us, we can count on it strengthening our own in our inner world. GAYGAYGAYGAYGAY. QUEERQUEERQUEERQUEER. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤍🤎🖤💖🤍💙 by @mjdempseypsych

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4 years ago

Givers, find another giver to love. Because chances are if we're overextending ourselves and doing mental gymnastics to accept below a baseline behavior, then it might be revealing some of our own schtuff to heal. And bbyyyy when you serve up a whole freakin meal, you deserve one in return 😋 taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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2 days ago

When we're in between chapters of life, it's so scary because so many things are up in the air and unpredictable. And when the impulse is to quickly figure it out before we reasonably can, it leaves us feeling unfinished and incomplete. Just because something is painful or uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong or bad. And when we grieve the loss of any endings without trying to hurry through it so we can find proof we're still valuable, then we get solid enough in ourselves to attract the right things and write a new chapter instead of grasping elsewhere and rereading the last one. taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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10 days ago

Pretty much every gay guy says the same thing - we want more meaningful connections + how hard it is to find it with other gay guys. But intimacy can mean a few different things and we could be any number of them to each other. And it's hard to find the right way to negotiate that when we haven't been given the language and the tools to artfully have those vulnerable conversations. And in an effort to avoid any conflict, we go cold or over communicate and ironically create more. But if we can slooooow down, stay kind and open, and not try and manage other people's expectations, then we can let things organically play out and have enough trust in ourselves to figure it all out in real time. But also, times a construct so forget everything I just said 🧘🏻‍♂️ *if you made it this far comment "TIMES A CONSTRUCT" and I'll give you some extra love for being a real one* taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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17 days ago

When we grow up gay, we learn who we are at the core isn't enough to belong so we adaptively overfunction just to get a seat at the table and conflate that with love. Maybe not so surprising that we wind up overextending ourselves in adult relationships and then get exhausted and resentful and feel lonelier than ever when other people don't show up with more of what we need. But as long as we chase other people, we abandon ourselves and the opportunity for the right ones to find us. And clinically speaking, that's just like, not the vibe y'know? That's an excerpt from the dsm 💅🏼 taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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24 days ago

A little bit of magic from our first big adventure @christophertsai ♥️🇬🇷 taken in Greece by @mjdempseypsych

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a month ago

Do you ever feel like you go above and beyond for others and then feel exhausted and resentful, like wtheck why is everyone happy to be loved so well like that but then not make more effort in return? Especially for us gays, we typically love so attentively for maybe more reasons than we're aware. Check out da videoooo 🤸🏻‍♂️ taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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Earning love by performing only the best vibes is a trauma response and bs. But when we let ourselves ebb AND flow, then we're finally cookin with crisco bbyyyyy 👈🏼😮‍💨👉🏼 taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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Making gay friends can be hard but when we keep ourselves open and eventually connect with some real ones and then even find those magical seasons where everyone's vibing with each other, it's not just nice... it's healing for these little gay hearts. Likewise, when conflict happens and things change, it can also stir our sh*t up. And when we feel our way through the ups and downs of it all without being defined by it, then we let the pain be about growth and not turn into a negatively personalized kind of suffering that walls off new gay fams from taking shape. Because don't we all always deserve new chapters of belonging. 😘 taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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2 months ago

When your days are full and somehow still feel behind, that gay math ain't mathin taken in West Hollywood, California by @mjdempseypsych

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2 months ago