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@nots0apy

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trying to make sense of the intangible nonsensical matter between the lines

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i am the sun by @nots0apy

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3 months ago

I got pink hair now. It was another impulse I didn't question, but it meant more to me than "to change the way I look". I did it for her, in the clips. The girl who got forced into hiding again while surviving became more important than the call to expression.

It was a kind of ego death and identity birth simultaneously. A painful confrontation of shame and a playful ticket to freedom at the same time. 🩷

Because I miss it. I MISS STREAMING. For the fact that it was a place I could allow myself to be fully authentically me without making myself smaller, adjusting myself to anyone, to be silly, laugh and exist and find others who connected with my energy. To find out that the way I am was okay, and even appreciated. It was my life line for all those years.

I still don't know what I will be able to do in the future. I am still trying to accept and adjust to the fact that I have a chronic physical illness now. That I have been misdiagnosed with the wrong mental illness for my entire adult life. That I have an explanation for why I have felt different my entire life. That I have had to let go of everything that meant something to me and I still chose to stay, that I keep chosing life, for every time I didn't feel like I could do it anymore.

I wanted to somehow make a mark in my own history of the day I realized I hope to find my way back again, to admit to the external and to myself that I still have big dreams. Today is that day. 🩷

That's what the pink hair really means to me. That I am not done playing, or expressing. I have not given up. by @nots0apy

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10 months ago

Metamorphosis, rebirth, losing me to find everything. Out in the wild exploring everything inside. 💚 Found magic. taken in Fantasy World by @nots0apy

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a year ago

This night proves that something has shifted in me and magic is fkn real, if we chose to create it ✨️ Thank you to life, new friends and Black Coffee ❤️
Swipe to see everything become more and more magical ♡ -> taken in Stockholm, Sweden by @nots0apy

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a year ago

I started waiting again.

It is far from content I have put out for the world to see before, but the words bled out on paper so effortlessly I felt like sharing this side of me as well.

If you struggle with identity, mening, purpose and the intensity of your own emotions, maybe this speaks to you.

I love you. by @nots0apy

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5

2 years ago

Healing is not linear. Neither is "coming back" or "waking up". One day at a time ❤️‍🩹 I'm glad to see you live again on the days I can. P.S. I felt cute here ♡ taken in Stockholm, Sweden by @nots0apy

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2 years ago

Slowly coming back after a burnout. The streaming and content journey is not over, I hope it will never be and have it keep evolving together with me. 🫶🏻
(bonus: molle is always watching over me) s0apy, purple haired wig, streamer taken in Älvsjö, Stockholms Län, Sweden by @nots0apy

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2 years ago