Jamie Pace

New Year with the same fears

   New Year's means lots of things. People look at New Year's as a fresh start. To me, it's a reminder of the worse yet eye-opening days of my life. What I'm about to say I have only told very few people. 23 years ago today I stood at the foot of my son's hospital bed as the world seem to stop spinning. Life as I knew it came tumbling down. You see I thought that we had overcome so much. Cj had been doing so well after his transplant just to end up one year later right where we tried so hard to keep him from ending up.

      As everyone else cried and prayed I was filled with anger from the very bottom of my soul. I felt betrayed that my God had abandoned me when I need him the most. How could he do this, how could he let this happen to my son? When he had fought so hard to stay alive. We had to watch so many children pass away right before our eyes during Cj transplant. The cries of the moms and dad's from down the hall as their child slipped into eternity still keeps me awake at night and haunts me to this day.

      I was wrestling with God in disbelief. I did not want any child other than the one I had planned in my mind. I did not want what he had planned but as I have grown to learn is that his plans always prevail. CJ went in and out of cardiac arrest, and they tried over and over to bring him back for over 25 minutes at one point with no heartbeat.  At that time the dad that was so angry, and so strong buckled under the weight of it all. As I wept uncontrollably and I begged God to let me have him back. I would take anything he would let me have I would feed him, bathe him, push him, carry him. I was sorry for being selfish I ask God to forgive me and let me have the son he intended for me to have. It was at that very moment that the alarms stopped and the silent Heart came back and the Doctor shouted we got him back.

      I don't think God would have ever sent Cj back to me if I had not given in to my own self-pity. Since that day time has passed and I relive the nightmare/miracle over and over in my head.