Kadiri Kehinde

“KEEP IT PRIVATE, UNTIL IT IS DONE.”

Sometimes this wisdom shields us. Other times, it quietly wounds those who walked the journey with us.

Two of my mentees recently experienced a painful misunderstanding rooted in this very principle. One of them, O, secured a visa and a scholarship to the United States for her Master’s program but chose not to share the news with D. Her decision was not driven by secrecy or ingratitude, but by self-preservation. She explained that past experiences — coupled with spiritual guidance — taught her to guard good news until it fully materialized. The last time she openly shared her university application journey, it did not end well. For her, silence became a form of protection: a way to shield her hopes, her faith, and her emotional wellbeing from disappointment.

D, however, experienced the silence very differently. Having been present from the very beginning — offering encouragement, guidance, and consistent support — she felt deeply hurt by being excluded from such a significant outcome.
To her, the absence of updates did not feel like healthy privacy; it felt like erasure.

The late revelation of a life-changing success made her question the authenticity of their bond, leaving her feeling betrayed and used rather than valued.
This situation highlights a delicate truth: while self-protection is valid, so is emotional investment. Privacy, when not handled with sensitivity, can unintentionally invalidate loyalty, support, and shared labor. Wisdom, therefore, is not only knowing when to speak, but also who deserves to be carried along — even quietly — in the journey.

As their mentor, I intervened not to assign blame, but to restore perspective. I reminded both O and D that every relationship, no matter how close, requires boundaries. Each individual has the right to protect herself in the way she deems necessary — emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise. Choosing privacy does not automatically equate to deception or ill intent.

At the same time, I affirmed D’s pain as a natural human response. Emotional investment often creates unspoken expectations, and when those expectations are unmet, hurt follows. .....