This is why the priority must be on the person who caused the pain to lead the repair. Not defensiveness. Not impatience. Not “I already said sorry.” Repair means showing up the same way on good days and hard days. Consistency is what rewires trust. Consistency is what tells the nervous system it is safe again. The ups and downs are part of the process, but steady presence is what determines whether healing is possible at all.
2 months agorosie.barradas
this and I give birth next month . I wish he would understand this he wants me to just be happy with him actually trying all of a sudden .
4 months agocutchinsfamily
They need to show up daily in a different way because when they show up the exact same way as they always did even if they aren’t doing the behavior, then the victim doesn’t know whether or not that behavior is happening or not they need to be transformed and show up differently and show up, making a men’s for destroying their past their present in their future if they want to re-create a future, that might be bright. I’ve been asking for almost 10 years for a day one a day one where I can start believing he is not dangerous that he’s fully changed his twisted mindset that is able to justify abuse and since day one, I said he needed to do this so that I had a chance to decide after time whether or not I wanted to be with someone who was OK doing all this and the only way I was going to believe it was OK it was that he did a fundamental transformation and showed up making amends every day and of course, haven’t gotten that at all but I also didn’t want to divorce and have him and his lowlife wh*re raise the kids with their disgusting values and lack of morals
4 months agopvnkweather
Thank you!! He doesn’t get it and I mean I don’t get it! He’s changing and I get it but I want to trust him and let him in but then I guess I just can’t.
4 months agopound_cake18
I am going through this as we speak and LITERALLY everything you said is exactly how she feels and is going through. I was the betrayer before our marriage. I’ve been doing absolutely everything,everything I can to help her heal to build her again which she does acknowledge. I feel so much shame and remorse for causing the pain I did and I have shy away from my action. I’ve taken accountability and I constantly do put in the work, you were right it’s a tough battle, the toughest, and at times we go through cycles of good moments but then there are triggers for her. I understand my responsibility is to stay grounded n stay steady. I’m constantly trying to get her in a state of safety but my problem is, when she is triggered she constantly puts me down or demeans me and tells me she’s allowed to act like that because I did this to her part of me agrees so I take it because maybe I deserve it but it’s getting too much to the point where I don’t feel like anything I’ve done or remorse I have shown is helping anything. I always try to be patient and understanding of her point? I feel that with her choosing to want to make the relationship work it takes the both of us, but I feel stuck. I feel like it’s only me and there’s literally no movement from her and yes I can. I do acknowledge my fault it’s destroying us as we speak. I don’t want to give up but I feel like maybe the trauma I caused it just too much to repair or heal her and it sucks because I truly want that. I don’t know what to do.
5 months agomarah.mari.m
new partner should do every and anything to show they’re safe.. social media passwords, phone location etc
5 months agocarlita.marie
My husband wouldn't do it, and when I got triggered, he got mad at me, avoided accountability, gaslighted, DARVOd, stonewalled, etc. I have now told him we are separated and will divorce. He has had almost 2 years and he refused to learn about betrayal trauma.
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